Hog's mom does NOT approve of this article.

On to the next round of March MILF Madness! (If you're just joining me, what the hell were you doing?! Stop being productive and enjoy your life, dammit! Here is Part 1 and Part 2.) And the Amazing 8, Part 1.

We are down to the Final Amazing 8 hot celebrity moms. Here are the brackets:

In this article we'll drool over pictures of, er, engage in an academic discussion of Heidi Klum vs. Melania Trump and Denise Richards vs. Angelina Jolie .

Heidi Klum vs. Melania Trump:

Heidi Klum has 3 kids yet she looks like this:

Heidi Klum is hotter than dog sh!t in August. On a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being Sandra Oh, Heidi is a 14. Thousand.

She's a nice height, 5'9", and she's got some boobies -- not too skinny. And she's right in her sha-boinking prime. She's at the age where she knows how to work it. Knows what she likes. Has a bedroom SKILL set. I can't tell you girls how important it is for you to have SKILLS.

Being hot is not enough. You need to know how to move your body. And be confident enough and free enough to try new things in bed. I'll take a 6 who is a 10 in bed over a 10 who is a 6 in bed. Easy. Although I usually end up humping my pillow.

NOTE: Yes, we cuddle afterwards.

The hottest thing a girl can do in bed is make me breakfast.

NOTE: I love breakfast.

I imagine Heidi to be a 9 in bed. I'm not sure why, but I think she has a naughty side. I imagine her talking dirty in her German accent, "YA! YA! Give me the schnitzel!"

Heidi Klum improves her MILFyness by being smart. She has her own successful line of jewerly.

NOTE TO SELF: Resist making an immature joke about her Pearl Necklace. RESIST!

Now let's look at Melania Trump:

I gotta take off points because she's been out of the spotlight this year. Maybe she's, I don't know, being a MOTHER?!

I don't know how all these celebrity mothers have time for a full career when they are supposed to be taking care of their kids. I guess that's what low-paid illegal immigrants are for.

So I'm picking Heidi Klum to advance. Because being a good mother does not help one become a MILF. The more irresponsible the better. Because the more likely she is to make bad decisions. Like sleeping with a semi-hilarious comedian! HA HA HA!

Denise Richards vs. Angelina Jolie:

This just might be the most hotly contested match-up so far. Guys LOVE Denise Richards. I mean, there are guys who would KILL for her. Forget Weapons of Mass Destruction. If the President told us that Iraq had taken Denise Richards hostage, every Army Recruitment Center would be be jam packed with men volunteering to rescue her.

Angelina Jolie on the other hand is not as beloved. But she's PFH. (Pretty Freakin' Hot.) And she's a good girl who helps people but also a bad-ass who steals husbands.

NOTE: As opposed to Winona Ryder who's a bad-ass who just steals.

Think about how hot Angelina Jolie must be... She stole BRAD PITT away from his wife. Brad Pitt. This guy could have any woman he wanted. Brad Pitt makes nuns soak their granny-panties with Hole-y Water. And he leaves Jennifer Anniston for Angelina Jolie.

NOTE TO SELF: Hole-y Water. You sick bastard! HA HA HA!

I'm thinking Angelina Jolie has ridiculous Bedroom Skills. Like some sh!t we haven't even thought of yet. Something involving a trapeze and a machete.

Or a snake.

Denise Richards is great for historical purposes...

But looking at both women TODAY.... I have to go with Angelina Jolie.

For a RELATIONSHIP, I choose Denise because Angelina would be TFA (Too F&^$ing Annoying) dragging me all over the world to adopt children and donate bone marrow to malaria victims in Madagascar. I'm trying to watch the game and she's keeps asking me to read over her stupid speech to United Nations. BO...RING!!!

HA HA HA!

Now stay tuned for March MILF Madness: The Final Four-Play!

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