Hog's mom does NOT approve of this article.

On to the next round of March MILF Madness! (If you're just joining me, what the hell were you doing?! Here is Part 1 and Part 2.)

We are down to the Final Amazing 8 hot celebrity moms. Here are the brackets:

In this article we'll examine the pretty face-offs of Salma Hayek vs. Brooke Burke and Jenny McCarthy vs. Halle Berry.

Salma Hayek vs. Brooke Burke:

In the Sweet Ass 16 Round, I had to choose Salma Hayek over Gwyneth Paltrow even though Gwyneth is Jewish and I give bonus points for that since I'm Jewish, too. Now again I'm faced with this same dilemma since Brooke Burke is also Jewish.

Let's begin by looking at Brooke Burke. As you can see, she is VERY patriotic:

Brooke Burke has FOUR kids! Here is what she looks like today:

STILL hot! But I do have to subtract points from Brooke for giving her baby an obnoxious celebrity name. She named her daughter Heaven Rain. Really?

TEACHER: Danny? Present. Elizabeth? Present. Heaven? Heaven? Has anybody seen Heaven?

OBNOXIOUS KID: I think Heaven is in the bathroom. Tee-hee-hee! The toilet is full of Heaven Rain. HA HA HA!

NOTE: OK, I admit it. I am the obnoxious kid. :)

Brooke has the hottie credentials of hosting the "E! Wild On" travel show and posing for Playboy. But she is not an Academy Award nominated actress like Salma Hayek:

Though I must say Salma Hayek's pregnancy really scared me. I think she may have been impregnated by a manatee:

The father:

But here she is look sooo MILFy just months before:

But can she recover from giving birth to a 2008 Toyota Highlander?

I like that she is probably smart. Although she didn't finish her degree, she did attend college to study International Relations. And I'd sure like to have International Relations with her! Whoa!

NOTE TO SELF: Grow up! HA HA HA! Nope.

Let's think about this seriously though. What if Salma Hayek DID complete her degree and go on to become a world ambassador? I think Salma Hayek's breasts could bring world peace.

Think about it. 95% of world leaders are men. The other 5% are lesbians.

NOTE: That's a fact. It says so right here in my Stereotype Handbook.

I think the Israelis and Palestinians would sign a treaty because they would sign anything while being distracted by Hayek's hunormous hooters.

NOTE TO THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE: Yes, I just said hunormous. Huge + Enormous. Deal with it.

Hmm... tough call. I'm going to give the nod to... Salma Hayek. Just barely. I have faith she can restore herself. Brooke Burke is sooo hot but Salma has that look. That look that she will be filthy in bed. Like so dirty you won't even be able to look her in the eyes after boinking her. Like the only way to restore a piece of your innocence will be to take a hot shower and read to orphans.

Now our other match-up:

Jenny McCarthy vs. Halle Berry.

This isn't even close. Jenny McCarthy has a great sense of humor and she is still super hot.

Here is McCarthy starring opposite that out-of-shape redneck comedian guy.

I'm not sure what this movie is, but it looks like The King of Queens if Queens was Alabama.

But let's get real. Halle Berry is an icon. If you had the chance to sha-boink McCarthy or Berry there is no way you can pass up squeezing the Berry.

Bragging to your friends that you slapped slimy's with Jenny McCarthy will elicit this response:

"Wow. Really? That's awesome dude. Hey, what time is the game on tonight?"

Telling your friends you romantically humped Halle Berry will result in this:

"What?! Get the $%&^ out of here!!! No $%&^in' way! What?! Where's the proof? Halle Berry?! Wow! How did it happen? Where? Why? What did you put in her drink? Dude! I want to hear EVERY detail -- I'm clearing my schedule. CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS! Tell those patients I'll be there to stop the bleeding... later!"

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