Dating Advice Man: Is she losing interest in me? Dating Advice + Twisted Humor

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Hi Hog,

Me and my girlfriend have been dating for 1 month and 6 days today, but I think she might be losing interest in me and might like another guy!!! How do I find out if she does like another guy, or is losing interest in me?

- Sean

Hog's Relationship Advice:

You always know when it's a kid talking because they are very specific when it comes to time. 1 month and 6 days.

"How old are you, little boy?"

I'm 5 and a half!!!

I've never asked an adult their age and she's like, "I'm 32 and a half!!!"

Sean, since you are a youngin', I will not be my usual crass and direct self. I will be much more crass and extra harsh. Because you're young and you should learn right now that there is no Santa Claus, no Tooth Fairy, and no True Love.

Love is the pairing of 2 people who are EQUALS... 2 people who are EQUALLY horny & lonely.

So if you want a girl who will stay with you, make sure she is just as horny as you (but not more) and just as lonely as you (but not less.)

If you don't believe me about my theory on Love, just read any of those poems they make you read in school by Shakespeare or Dr. Seuss.

They are all about trying to get some chick into bed by comparing her to a rose because the dude is so lonely. Or their about a cat. A cat with interesting head-wear.

1 month and 6 days...

************************

Here is the Relationship Timeline:

Day 1 to Day 10

The horny phase. Gettin' it on.

Day 11 - Day 90

Congratulations! You've made it into Quasi-Semi-Relationship-ville! This is the honeymoon phase. Everything is wonderful. You are falling deeply in love.

If you have any major fights during this period, then the relationship will not work. You may stay together out of horniness and loneliness but eventually it fall apart because one of you is sent to jail for homicide with your last words being, "I can't take it anymore! I hate you! You're so annoying!"

Day 91 - 180

It's heating up. At this point, if you were Hollywood movie stars, you'd be both married and divorced.

Day 181 - 365

Now you are fully in Relationshipland. Girls begin to pick the wedding invitations. Guys begin to pick their nose. And fart. And do gross things because they don't care anymore. Then they wonder why they aren't getting laid as much as before.

Year 2

Wow! Do people really stay together this long anymore? Are you Amish? Holy crap! You guys must be totally horny and lonely for each other! It's perfect!

...

Year 7

Okay. Who are we fooling here? Girls have cheated at least twice by now but it "didn't count" because they were drunk and in another zip code. Guys have cheated 4,189 times but it "didn't count" because they were h00kers. And one was fat.

Year 25

The President of the United States of America awards the both of you a Congressional Medal of Honor.

Year 40

You're both old and ugly. It's just a few more years until death, anyway. And hey, with any luck, your spouse might die first giving you a chance to get some goddamn peace and quiet around here for change!

Year 50

You hate each other but stay together because at this point you can't remember whose dentures are whose.

************************

So dude, it's very early in your Relationship Timeline. Is she losing interest in you?

Of course she is! At your age, girls have crushes that last anywhere from three to five minutes. And you fall in love because she let you put your finger in her fun dip.

How do you keep her interest? Drama.

Girls love drama. Be mean to her. Then be nice. Then ignore her for a while. Then tell her how much you think about her. Be seen with other girls to make her jealous.

How do you know if she likes another guy?

Read her email. Check her cell phone bill for strange numbers. Secretly follow her around. This is called stalking... which is also called love.

To girls, love is like a beautiful garden of flowers. It's delicate and they want to tend to it every day to help it grow to be strong.

To guys, love is like a truck full of fireworks crashing into a station wagon full of chickens.

At first, it's exciting! Cool! Action! We're getting action! Ka-plow! There's an explosion!

But when the chicken feathers settle, we think, "Whoa. How did I end up in THIS mess? I'm stuck in traffic jam with chickens running around with their heads blown off. This makes no sense. And worst of all... there's no more fireworks.:

If that doesn't make things perfectly clear... I suggest you study the insightful poetry of Def Leppard, "Love Bites."

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