Dating Advice Man: How do I get over my ex-boyfriend? Dating Advice + Twisted Humor

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Dear Hog,

My boyfriend and I broke up after almost a year. Our parents did not want us to go out and now that I let him go I feel like crap because I still like him. Even though we had major ups and downs, I think he was the one for me. I try to date other people but I always think of him and I do not how to get over him. Right now we are just friends but we seem to still like each other. I do not know what to do. Can you help me?

- Felice in Seattle

Hog's Relationship Advice:

A year is a very long time to be together. Especially at your age. I'm guessing you are not a 40 year old woman because you say your parents didn't approve. (Though I do know a 37 year old woman who still lives at home and only dates men approved of by her mother. So you never know!)

It sounds like you don't want to get over this guy. You still have feelings for him. That's totally normal. But like you said, you had major ups and downs.

Major ups and downs = drama. Why not find a guy who makes you consistently happy? Drama is exciting. But did you really like the fighting and arguing? Because it can be better than that. When I was younger, I didn't know that!

Growing up, my parents were always yelling at each other. I linked screaming and fighting with love. I thought that was normal!

NOTE: I also link pizza with love.

Um, no. You can do better. It doesn't mean that you have to find someone who agrees with you all the time... it just means to find someone who makes you really happy. NOT someone who gives you heartache.

If you ONLY broke up because your parents won't let you be together, that makes it more complicated. Because we always want what we can't have. So by making you break up with him, your parents made you more attracted to him. What are you parents' reasons?

Just don't do some Romeo & Juliet type stuff and commit a crazy double-suicide. Chill on that. But the point of that story is not to underestimate young love. You have very strong feelings. If your parents forbid you from seeing him, you have 2 choices:

1 - Respect your parents' decision.

2 - Run away with your boyfriend to the circus to be Rodeo Clowns. I can see it now like clips from a movie... you put on each other's make-up... you guys laugh as you squirt each other in the face from that funny gag flower on your suit... you bake him a cherry pie, he says "Thank You", then you smash it in his face!

NOTE: Do not run away to the circus. In real life you will probably not be Rodeo Clowns. You'll probably be Elephant poop picker-uppers. Not as fun or romantic.

But I have a feeling your parents made this decision in reaction to you being unhappy. Besides, how do you know he is "the one for you"? One year is too quick to decide.

*** The Test of Time ***

Everything on Earth must be able to stand the Test of Time. 1 year is a long time to be together. But what was the QUALITY of that one year? If you can't go at least 1 entire year without mad drama... is that REALLY what you want for the rest of your life?!

You can't learn enough about another person in just 1 year. You need to see what that person is like in different situations.

1 big example is "What is it like living together?" That's what married people do. They live together. But maybe he is a slob and you're a neat-freak. That would cause lots of fights. Maybe he spends all his money and you like to save. Maybe he makes pee-pee on the toilet seat. There are so many things you don't know!

If a new CD came out and it was great, would you call it the Best of All-Time? You could. But you'd be stupid. Because will it still be that great in 10 years? If you look back 10 years ago, some artists that were huge are still popular, but most aren't. Do you want to get married to a one-hit-wonder? Do you? Because I hear that the guy who wrote the Macarena song is single!

NOTE: There is 1 exception to The Test of Time. Milk. If you leave it out too long it goes turns lumpy and stinky. Just like Star Jones!

So make a decision and stick with it! Is he right for you or not? If yes, talk to him about trying again. Talk to your parents about it. If no, then you need to do a SERIOUS job of cutting him out of your life.

Yes, it will hurt. In the short term. But in the long term, you will be happier.

You're so used to being with him, it hurts not to have him. It's like he is part of your identity. People probably identify you as a couple. But YOU are not a couple. You are you! Be you! YOU are good person. Have fun being you.

Can you be friends with someone you have feelings for?

No. It's not honest. Because you REALLY want more than the other person is willing to give. You can only be friends with someone if you want to be friends-- and nothing more.

You need to heal. If you talk to this guy every day, you are keeping your wound open. Stop poking at your wound! You need time to yourself. Stop thinking about him. When you find yourself thinking about him, stop yourself. Really. Catch yourself and say, "No. He was not the right guy for me."

Now that you've been sad about breaking up, be happy about it! This is a great opportunity to find a new guy who really makes you happy. Because after this last relationship, you learned a lot about yourself. Now you know what kinds of things you like and things you don't like.

KEY TO LIFE: Clean underwear. It's super-important.

KEY TO LIFE 2: Learn the skill of how to meet new people. That way you will never feel like you HAVE to be with someone. Then when you find someone special, you know that person is really special because you chose them and not because that is the only person you ever convinced to talk to you.

HOW TO GET OVER YOUR EX

* Theory 1

Go out and swap spit with as many people as possible. This is called rebounding.

PROS: You may gain confidence that you are still attractive and can find a new person.

CONS: Herpes.

Okay, another CON is that you start to feel bad that you had all these meaningless hook-ups and start to think about your ex again.

* Theory 2

Break stuff.

PROS: Breaking stuff is cool.

CONS: You might get arrested.

* Theory 3 -- The Biggie Theory

In the words of the late Relationship Guru, Notorious B.I.G.: "I don't chase 'em, I replace 'em."

Translation: Once a relationship is over, don't think about getting back together. It's over. Focus on finding a new person.

* Hog's Theory

Here's what I like to do after a break-up.

1 - Feel sad and sorry for myself.

2 - Get angry. Listen to gangsta rap music. Call all my friends. Use words like slut, b!tch, and sn@tch-face.

3 - Now that I feel better, I start missing my ex. I look at old pictures. Back to Step 1, then 2.

4 - I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Back to step 1.

5 - Damn it! I'm a great guy! I'm not gonna let that slut-b!tch-sn@tch-face make ME feel bad! I take time to breathe and focus on moving forward. I do some fun stuff. I enjoy myself. I realize I will get a better girl. I feel better.

6 - I take action to get a new girl. (If that's what I want to do.) Whenever I think about my ex, I remember, "She was not the one for me. That's over!"

It's important to remember that your ex-boyfriend was not some sort of perfect dude. After a break-up, we tend to forget all the bad stuff. You think, "Oh, he was so perfect! He was the sweetest guy! I remember the time he made me those blueberry pancakes." This is where your friends come in.

Because they are the ones you complained to for a year about all the stupid stuff he did. They will remind you!

To get your mind off him, do fun stuff. Stop thinking about him. Everything reminds you of him right now. Those old doodles in your notebook. The poetry he gave you. A cucumber in the supermarket. Stop it! Get rid of everything that makes you think of him. Make sure you do fun stuff so you enjoy life. When you are busy enjoying life, you won't be thinking about him.

The only way to be happy is to change HOW you think about your ex. If you want to get over him, you need to think "I learned a lot. And he had some good points and some not-so-good. But in the end, he was not the right guy for me. I will find someone new. Someone better for me."

If you can't do that, you will be a gray-haired, 75 year old woman on a park bench, feeding pigeons and shouting to yourself, "I hate that guy! He was the only one for me! That damn Slut-b!tch-sn@tch-face!"

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