|
Q42:
I went to a psychic who told me that my boyfriend is likely to cheat and has
in fact already cheated on me. My man says he never has. Should I dump him?
–Georgia @ LSU
Q43:
I really like the girl I’m with. But I still want to see other girls on
the side. She is not cool with that. What should I do?
--Decision in Cincinnati, OH
Q44: I can't stop dancing. I keep
dancing every night and I get more and more sore. What should I do Hog?
Q45: Maybe it’s the Passover season,
but I feel like my relationship is like Matzah. It’s bland and giving me
quite a bit of gas pain. Is it time to end it? –Josh B. in NYC
Q46: I’m SERIOUS. I can't stop
dancing. I keep dancing every night and I get more and more sore. PLEASE
HELP ME! –Benal in Willoughby
HOGWILD.NET expert dating advice every day
Q42: I went to a psychic who told
me that my boyfriend is likely to cheat and has in fact already cheated on
me. My man says he never has. Should I dump him? –Georgia @ LSU
Well then, it sounds like you have no choice but TO dump him. Did your
Psychic Friend tell you whom he cheated WITH? And where? Or did Ms.
Psychic conveniently leave these little details out?
You don’t need some bootleg
psychic to tell you if your nub is being faithful. Just stick to Hog’s Sure
Signs Your Nub is Doin’-It with Some One Else.
~
When he farts in the bathroom, he screams
another man’s name
~
He suddenly begins showering EVERY week
~
You can tell he’s not faking it when he smiles
~
He comes home reeking of anal sex
~
He tells you that he just had the most incredible lovemaking session with
Tina. And Tina is NOT the name of his inflatable female.
~
While doin’-it with him, he keeps asking, “Hey, can you bend THIS way,
like Tina does?”
~
Nonstop, every conversation, it’s Tina Tina Tina!
~
He’s making large withdrawals from your bank account, explaining that
it’s to pay for a carton of condoms and a broken lamp.
If you’re seeing these signs, like
duh, your nub is a lying sack of sour apples! But if not, then hey, he’s probably just really good at covering his tracks. I
mean, if he cares that
much about you to be so fastidious about cloaking his infidelities and forays
into female fornication, then he’s a good man. It’s hard to find a nub
who actually cares enough about you to hide his affairs. It’s
like, if dude is outsourcing the humping responsibilities, that’s less
work for you! You should be happy!
It’s like if my bim, Mrs. Potato-Head, suddenly said to me, you suck at doing chores.
I’m going to find another man to take out the trash for me—I’d be ecstatic. So maybe you just suck in bed. (Well, if you did, you probably
wouldn’t have gotten INTO this predicament.) JEREMY! But anyhoo, this is
how you resolve this. You confront him and say, “I
know you’ve been sleeping with some nizASTY ho. I found female pubes in
your skivvies.” Just state it matter-of-factly without anger. He will not get defensive or
try to lie because he’ll be thinking, “DAMN! And I thought I was
hiding ALL the evidence! She’s good! I knew I should have made that bim
shave!”
So now make your demands. This of course is provided that you still want
to keep the cheating scumbag. Like maybe he’s got major F.E.P. (Future
Earning Potential) or simply a big, rigid, stiff, veiny,
thick-as-a-McDonald’s-Milkshake type Jammy. UGH!
I made myself spit up just SAYING that! So now you are in control
of this relationship and he’s on lockdown. See, you don’t need some
Semi-Psychic Sista when you’ve got the Hog!
HOGWILD.NET expert dating advice every day
HOGWILD.NET expert dating advice every day
Q43:
I really like the girl I’m with. But I still want to see other girls on
the side. She is not cool with that. What should I do?
--Decision in Cincinnati, OH
Looks like you’re afraid of the Big
C. Commitment. But you’ve got to consider, is SHE too, afraid of the Big
C? Cooking? You should not even THINK about committing to a bim until she’s ready to
give it up. Give up the shoes and get her ass barefoot in the kitchen whoopin’ you
up some sweet potato pie! Okay, maybe that’s a bit far. She can like, wear shoes and stuff
(though I’m NOT happy about that. Because first you let ‘em wear shoes,
then they’ll demand the right to vote!) But a girlie has got to get her grill
on! Cook up those chicken wings, meatloaf, lasagna-- she’s got to keep her
man well fed!
So if your bim is not even meeting these minimum standards, you can forget
any talks of exclusivity. But if she IS cooking, you’ve got to make a
decision. Be logical. Is this the best meal I’m ever gonna get? Let’s break it down, shall
we? Are
you ugly? If you iz, then take her before she picks the scabs from her eyes! If you ain’t ugly, but don’t have any major F.E.P. (Future Earning Potential), then strongly consider making her your one
and only. Because
most bims (and rightly so) are lookin’ for a man who’s packin’ 9 in
his pants. And that’s credit cards!
But be fair to her. Don’t
tell her you’ll be faithful and then mess around. That’s not right.
You’d want the same from her. If she’s telling you that she’s not
baking cupcakes for any other nub, then all of sudden you find out that her cupcakes have
been on the lips of every guy in town—jeez, that sucks. So be nice. Be straight up like
Paul Abdul ’89. A’ight!
Back to Top Ask YOUR Question!
More Expert Dating Advice
Tell a Friend!
HOGWILD.NET expert dating advice every day
Buy it thru HOGWILD.NET! to Win!
HOGWILD.NET
expert dating advice every day
Q44: I can't stop dancing. I keep
dancing every night and I get more and more sore. What should I do Hog?
Stop dancing.
HOGWILD.NET expert dating advice every day
Q45: Maybe it’s the Passover
season, but I feel like my relationship is like Matzah. It’s bland and
giving me quite a bit of gas pain. Is it time to end it? –Josh B. in NYC
A bland relationship can be fixed. But one that causes intense abdominal
pain--- well unless you’re a masochist, you might want to dump the
broad. I’ll
assume you were joking and that the mere sight of your loved one does not make
you want to uncork mighty Turd Thunder.
Now remember, Matzah itself is boring. But the Egg Matzah—oooh the EGG
Matzah. That’s some good stuff! Add a little butter on top and you got
yourself a meal! So what I’m saying is, spread butter on your partner, and
grind your greasy groins
until you groan. Okay, but semi-seriously, you need to add excitement to a relationship.
Especially after your bim realizes that your lovemaking
techniques rival that of a meditating
walrus. Surprise her with flowers. Surprise
her with a gift. Surprise her by bathing!
Bims love surprises. Well, except for the “Surprise I’m Gay!” surprise. Or the
“Surprise! I just found out I have Genital Herpes!” Surprise. But in
general, they like to be kept on their pretty little toes.
And if you do your part to fire it up, she will return the favor. (Unless of course she’s a
self-centered trollop who only seeks narcissistic pleasure. But NO ONE has dated THAT kind of
bim, have we?) Then the vanilla-scented candle of your relationship will be rekindled from the heart. Or some crap like that. But if you DO try to surprise her, keep it authentic. Don’t be bootleg about it. Don’t consider it a huge
favor that you only left 2 stray grape hairs on the toilet instead of 3.
Don’t pat yourself on the back because you bought her a CD only because
you wanted to copy it. And if you were creative
enough to write her an original poem
last year, it is considered MAD BOOTLEG if you re-give it to her THIS year
as Version 2.0 because you changed the font.
Light a fire under her Booty! Get her excited!
And she in turn will excite you like Uncle Jessie watchin’ Daisy
Dukes lean over the General Lee in her cut-off Denims.
HOGWILD.NET expert dating advice every day
Q46: I’m SERIOUS. I can't stop
dancing. I keep dancing every night and I get more and more sore. PLEASE HELP
ME! –Benal in Willoughby
 So
I see my advice of “Stop Dancing” is not good
enough for you, ay? I think I figured it out. “Dancing” is simply a metaphor
for “the horizontal bop”, which in turn is a metaphor for “bumpin’
uglies”, which is actually “grinding gear shafts”,
toasting pop tarts, going to the Dentist, parking the bus, chewing bubble gum--- so basically
you’re tired from doin’-it
all the time.
Poor, poor man! I have as much sympathy for you as a mugger who loses his wallet. Listen, if
you can’t stand the heat, STEP ASIDE! I’m sure there are plenty of
healthy, undersexed nubs
out there who would love to take your place. It’s like Show Biz. When these bitches
complain,
“Oh, it’s just a nightmare on the set. We have to shoot 26 shows a year
for TV. It’s grueling! It’s
almost not worth the $500,000 an episode and international stardom!”
You are LUCKY my man. There IS no such thing as too MUCH of a good thing.
(Except for Licorice. One time I ate 6 BAGS of Red Licorice. My mouth looked like I had just
been punched in the face by Ike Turner. I was pooping colorful strings of
sugar coated candy.) A little soreness? I wouldn’t be worried about that. “No
Pain No Stain”, isn’t
that what they say? I do have a suggestion though. If your work-out is
really that intense, here’s what you do. Keep
a bottle of Gatorade on
the night stand. Chug it between rounds. Wear a mouth guard and keep your hands up! Keep your hands up for Christ Sake! Bob and Weave! Bob and Weave!
C’mon Rocky, it’s just like I taught ya! In and out, in and OUT! A couple jabs,
left hook, right hook! Don’t go for the first round knock out,
it’s not gonna happen! We’re gonna go the full 18 rounds! C’mon Rocky!
Oh, oh! And she’s out for the 10 count! Nice job!
That’s my advice for you. And if you must dance,
you have no choice but to wear the dancing SHOES. I know they’re uncomfortable
and they make
you look silly. But you need protection. You don’t want to get a foot
fungus, do you?
HOGWILD.NET expert dating advice every day
|
Go Back to
Archive