Ah yes. The Fat Guy’s Dilemma. Quagmire of the Geeks. The Sticky Situation
for the Horny Toad. Almost every man has been entangled in this sichee-ayshun. And
the determining factor EVERY time has been, "Well, how desperate are you?"
Desperate enough to risk charges of date rape? Desperate enough to ruin a girl’s
reputation? Desperate enough to take picture of the encounter as proof for your
incredulous friends? Desperate enough to be forever labeled, "Slut-Boy?"
So I understand why you seek council. It is NOT okay for you to do-it
with a bim of questionable character while she is lifted on libations,
her morals abbreviated whilst inebriated, trizzed, tish-faced, googly-eyed, Zima-ed up,
wine cooled, or generally just under the influence of adult frosty beverages.
It is NOT okay to say, "BJ (Bartles & James™) leads to a BJ (blow
jamboree)." It is also INCORRECT to say, "Get her hammered, then get her
HAMMERED." No, my fellow nubs. THIS IS WRONG! If you cannot trick,
beguile, fool, or deceive a bim into thinking you are genuine nice guy in search of
hand-holding and non-rhyming romantic poetry while she is SOBER, then it is considered
foul play to try it while she’s whacked.
It’s like this nubs, shooting deer for sport is a questionable activity as
it is. But some men enjoy doing it "for the excitement of the kill." These nubs
enjoy holding a powerful weapon, and letting loose their load into a defenseless,
beautiful creature of God. You see where I’m going with this analogy? But if you were
to hunt deer using a grenade launcher and automatic UZI’s--- dude, you know
that’s just wrong. Where is the sport in THAT? See what I’m saying? When a bim
is all drank-like, it’s like you’ve got that grenade-launcher with the
laser scope. Her defenses are down. And soon will be her panties. But that’s weak.
That’s not sport, nor is it gentleman-like. Again, there are rules to the game.
If a bim was epileptic, you’d want her to TELL you that before she
offered to give a mouth massage to your spit-rod! Right?
However, if you are already MARRIED to said bim, all of those aforementioned rules
do not apply. Anything goes. You gotta take all the weapons you’re given. Slip
a mickie in her coffee. Wax and oil your chest. Do whatever it takes. Because a WIFE has
magical powers over her man. She has the power to DESTROY him. Because when a nub has a
bim and Ms. Bim does not want play the role of Nurse Leather Hot Hips, Mr. Nub can
take his pre-verted fetish elsewhere. But when this bim is your BIFE (bim graduated to
wifeydom) you have no where to go! That’s why I go to bed strapped with an ammo belt
stocked with liquor, along with my Yanni CD, and little red skivvies. WHATEVER IT
TAKES!
D, nothing "just happens." There was once a nub who
accidentally stuck his finger in a pencil sharpener and cut away at his
bone. He said it "just happened." No it didn’t. He was a moron. Some
people commit murder and say, "Your Honor, I’m so sorry, it just happened!"
No! You loaded the gun, went psycho, and pulled the trigger screaming,
"Die scumbag die!"
So checking out the fine heineys on other bims doesn’t "just
happen." It is however, the nature of being a nub. Us nubs MUST look at every
woman. No matter how walrus-like, no matter what age. And we
make a split-second decision. Women, this is crass so cover your
eyes, but it is the truth. In a split-second we say things like, "No way!",
"if she was just a little older", "hmm, get her on an exercise bike and
give me a 6-pack", "only in the dark", and "hell yeah!"
It is foul and it is base but it is true. This is the nature of Man. We are animals. We
do this instinctively. But this does NOT EXCUSE our behavior. We must
control ourselves. When we are with a bim, we must not go around attaching
our hips to every pair of fine female butt-muffins in denim
shorts. But we will look. Why is it that men can see 8,945 different pairs of snuggle-bubbles
and still be curious as to how the next bim’s look? Because we are all
programmed to be pre-verts. We want to see more, more, MORE! This
explains the rate at which hard drive storage space has increased. This is not to allow
for larger applications and productivity software, this is for tinatorpedoes.jpg and
lindacarter.jpg, girlsfromsistersister.jpg and shortbutstacked.jpg.
But my man, you MUST at least TRY to give your bim enough respect that
you don’t glare at another bim’s Globes in her
presence! It is a difficult task but not impossible. Whenever a hot bim
walks by, quickly think about something else, like "Why does Queen Latifah have
her own talk show?" Or just as two bouncy bubbles bounce by in a blue
sweater, force yourself to sneeze.
BUT, if you ARE caught--- you must NEVER admit to the wrong doing. The truth would hurt
your beloved’s feelings. And you don’t want to see her cry, right?
So you’re actually doing her a FAVOR! (See, now you’re ready to be
President of the United States.) Say she catches you. She says, "Were you just
staring at the waitress?" Do NOT say, "you mean the one with the Huge
Rack?" Nooooo! Instead say, "No, I think you have something in your
hair." She will become so self-conscious she will forget about the whole
thing and immediately leave to go the ladies room to check. Perfect! Because
when she's gone you can stare at seductively super Sno-cones all you
like! But please note: this little trick only works once per date.
She’ll catch on if, every two seconds you’re like, "Staring? NO! You just
have a piece of lettuce in your teeth . . . zit on your
forehead, weird dangling flaking skin off your nose, a cold sore on
your lip, gerbil feces on your chin . . ." Please remember to stop
while you’re ahead!
So you REALLY like her . . . ( I’m using my taunting voice now). Well if she
REALLY liked YOU, she WOULDN’T MAKE YOU GO SEE SOME LORDS OF THE DANCE GAY
TISH! Excuse me, heterosexually-challenged tish. Come on now! Pull yourself
together man! This is the Super Bowl! The Bowl of all things Super! It is a male
Cultural EVENT! Good Goshenheimer! Imagine yourself at the office the next day. "So
Frank what did you think of that call in the 3rd quarter?" You’ll be
like, "Um, I don’t know. During the 3rd Quarter I was watching men
with enlarged calf muscles twirl around on their toes. Um, um, they had
Killer Costumes though. KILLER."
Yeah, ok. Respect-o-Meter just dropped below Zero. If your self-esteem
level were the temperature, all schools would be closed for a snow day. On Super
Bowl Sunday, there’s the Team that WINS the game, the Team that DOESN’T
win the game, and the men on the LAST PLACE Team that were dragged to a live performance
of Lords of the Dance. THEY are the Losers. Don’t do it. For us nubs
everywhere! If you give them this, then surely we have NOTHING! Is no
male event sacred?
But being Master of all things Hog, I have a BRILLIANT solution. Brilliant
I tell you! You tell her to cancel her silly little outing because YOU already have
something planned. You’ve had it planned since September of 1983,
just as Keith Hernandez was finishing his first year with the New York Mets. (That way
there is no chance she can say she made plans first.)
You tell her to watch the Big Game with you and your buddies. In fact, you’ll even
allow her to cook you nubs up a batch of bbq wings. She’ll do it
just because bims love surprises. But she’ll be getting pretty mad. Then at
half-time, just as she’s about to lose her temper and strangle you while berating
your wimpy undersized Jammy in front of all your friends, you grab hold of her
and whisper, "Now."
While the ruckus of Testosterone and beer ensues in front of the TV, you whisk her away
to a private place where, get this, YOU perform the Lords of the Dance. You strip
down to your special leopard skivvies. You attempt to kick your leg over
your head, but knock yourself unconscious with a knee to the nose. After she revives you,
you jump up and continue. It’s her own PRIVATE DANCE! How romantic!
And before you know it, you’re exhausted and it’s time for the 2nd
half. The beauty is, you didn’t miss any of the Game! Then you can
watch the rest of the game in peace. This will be mostly attributed to the fact that your
bim will have left in disgust. She will be very angry. Later, she might even use the WORST
word, "disappointed."
But after she thinks about it for the 4 days she’s not speaking to you, she will realize
that you were actually trying to do something very special for her. She might
even apologize for not being more sensitive! See, her female brain has made all that stuff
up! Now don’t blow it! Just nod your head and promise to take her
the next showing of "Ice Capades." See, it’s Win-Win. Because you Win
Twice!
See Nubs, we are brainwashed! Why is the burden of
romantiquity (or romanticism for you literate people) on US?!! Why should
it not be the bim’s obligation to make us feel "special."
Do they think that just slapping on a lacy piece of ling-er-ee that WE paid for, makes for
"romance." Well---- Hell Yeah! And that my Hogs, is why we must
break out the scented candles and flowers on V-Day.
So you want to be creative? Well "Creative" doesn’t cut it
with the bims. Diamonds do. Trust me, it is NOT the thought that counts.
It’s the glimmer of the rock on her hand, the "bling
bling" factor if you will. From my understanding, the order of importance is like
this:
Her birthday
Anniversary
Valentine’s Day
Ground Hog’s Day
That bootleg Hallmark Holiday, Sweetest Day
Flag Day
So you can see that this gift will be important. But DON’T set the
standard TOO high. If you get her a fat diamond for Valentine’s,
she’ll expect a TWO diamonds for your Anniversary. And for her Birthday----
you’d best bring in the stretch limo filled with roses and male
dancers. And the driver would have to be Denzel Washington wearing nothing but a leopard
thong and his charm.
So let’s not go there. Let’s think cutesy. A Teddy Bear with your names sewn
on it. Order mad flowers and have them sent to her at work or at school. Never give
chocolate. That’s like rewarding a recovering bulemic with a circus mirror.
Buy smelly-good massage oil and treat her to a full-body rub-down. She’ll love
that gift. That’s the shizzynit right THERE! Get the flowers. Grab the fancy
meal at the nice restaurant (note: NICE restaurant means NO trays, NO breakfasts
with the phrase "Grand Slam" and usually the drinks are mad overpriced with no
refills. So duh, order 2 waters—with lemon. No lemon = cheap. With Lemon = classy.)
Then to cap off the night give her the massage with her new gift. Make sure the massage
oil you get her is in a SMALL bottle. Otherwise she’ll make you massage her every
night until the bottle is empty. So maybe it’s best to give her half a bottle. And
WHATEVER YOU DO, do NOT let her catch you with HER massage oil while you’re
"researching" on the Internet.
See, there is romance. Or you could always go for the warm poem:
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
How ‘bout a blow job?
But that tactic rarely
works. Besides, she’ll know you were just quoting Shakespeare anyway.
Girlfriend, if you were a guy, I’d tell you to grow some testicles. But in
this case, that would kind of defeat the purpose. Let’s deal with this "mixed
signals" nonsense. What exactly ARE the signals he’s giving you? Guys
don’t give "signals", we nubs are too dumb for that. If we like you,
we tend to stare a lot and belch less often when we’re around you. We also may
try to impress you. Some nubs will try to impress you with their wit. Some with
their money. Some with their muscles. Some with their charm. Some
with random acts of violence perpetrated on small birds. (Those tend to be your
psychotic types. Try to stay away from them. Unless they give you their ear. That means
they’re good with the paintbrushes.) You need to go with the F.E.P. (Future
Earning Potential). Wit will not pay the Rent. Muscles will not get you the fatty
diamond on your ring. Charm is about as valuable as cow pie.
And YOU’RE the bim! You don’t need to get HIM a gift! That looks bad. He
should BEG you to ALLOW him to get you a Valentine’s Day Gift. Just roll up to
this nub in your cute pink sweater (you know the one that’s just a LITTLE too tight
around the snuggle-bubbles) and say, "Hi there. I was wondering if you’d like to
get a Crapacinno" (or pizza or whatever it is you crazy college kids get these days.)
If he says ANYTHING other than yes, like he says he’s busy, or "how about a
raincheck?", or "are you sure you haven’t misplaced a Y chromosome?"
then do NOT proceed. A man will ALWAYS accept a date with a bim if he is the slightest bit
interested. I don’t care if his sick mother is in town just so she can spend
her last remaining hours with her son, a MAN WILL LEAVE HIS DYING MOTHER to just to be
with a girl whose pretty face gives him Tingles all the way down to his Jingles.
And if you get this date in at least a week before Valentine’s Day, he WILL get
you a gift. If he doesn’t, then he’s not really interested. Remember, Nubs are
simple creatures. Get in on that first date and you can enslave him for life. A Nub will
rationalize:
She’s kinda chunky, but she’s got a big rack
She’s sorta short, but boy can she cook
Her face looks like a Drunken Chipmunk with Down Syndrome, but at least she’s
never cursed at me in public
So go get him! If he’s into you, it will happen. If not, no big deal. Just
wait until he’s libated and put your hand on his crotch. No man can resist
that. This is disturbing, but if a HOMELESS grandmother put her hand on my jimma-jam, I
probably would wait 30 seconds before I removed it.
Now if a MAN tried to interpret a WOMAN’S signals . . . forget about it! He’d
have an easier time reading BRAILLE upside down in the dark. Wait, it doesn’t matter
if you read Braille in the dark, um, oh YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
Go Back to
Archive