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Hey HogWild,

After 4 months of being together, my boyfriend says he don't really know whether he has feelings for me.

He was sweet for the 1st month, then slowly his feelings went weak because I couldn't see him for 2 months... But I used to call him when I was far. Things are very different now.

He doesn't want to hurt me but yet he says that he don't know about his feelings.

- P in ?

Hog's Relationship Advice:

Yeah. That sucks, dude.

HA HA! Imagine if that was my entire response? You write this whole long thing with every detail and I'm like, "That sucks, dude." Next question! HA HA!

So at first his feelings were strong like a morning boner but over time without seeing you, his boner went limper than a piece of bread in the rain.

NOTE TO SELF: Seriously man, you gotta get better at these analogies. Your analogies suck worse than... something that really sucks! ... DAMMIT!

A guy's feelings towards you -- much like his boner -- need constant visual and physical stimulation. Ignore the boner and it will shrink away, then eventually point in a different direction.

So yeah, his romance rod might be pointing in the direction of a NEW girl he found while you were away.

Or he may have realized that you don't match up to the things he's looking for in a relationship.

You need to find out why his feelings for you got cooler than a penguin with his foot up against the side of an igloo making eyes at the girlie penguins who pass by and he exhales so he can see his breath form in the shape of a heart.

NOTE TO SELF: Now THAT was an analogy!

REASONS A GUY WILL STOP LIKING YOU
- you become too much of a pain and hassle compared to the fun of hanging out with you
- he realizes you will never give him the physical pleasures he seeks whether that be kissing or boinking or medieval nipple torture
- he discovers something really really gross about you. Like while you're in the shower you make a little doody ball and proceed to play racquetball with it. Eeeeewww! Doody Racquetball!

When a guy says he's not sure about his feelings for you it means he's not sold on you. He thinks he might be able to do better. Or your Rating Equation is not working out.

HogWild's Equation of How Guys Really Rate Girls:

Your Hotness Rating MINUS Your Annoying Rating MINUS Your Psycho Rating

In other words, the hotter you are the more sh!t you can get away with.

Hey the game ain't fair but at least know the rules so you can win!

An ugly girl might cause a guy to break-up with her if she accidentally burns the microwave popcorn. Meanwhile Super Hot Girlfriend can get away with accidentally burning down his balls in a tragic ball burning accident. And the GUY will apologize!

GUY: Baby, it's OK. It's really my own fault that my balls burned down. You were just flicking cigarette ashes in bed while I was sleeping naked. But it was my fault that my pubic hair was so dry. I should have been wearing my asbestos underwear. Don't cry, baby. Since I've been with you it's like I haven't had any balls anyway. Now let's get back to my medieval nipple torture.

So you want to focus on getting hotter while being less annoying and less psycho.

Getting hotter has to do with making your hair nice, your teeth nice, and your body in nice shape.

Some quick fixes are learning to use make-up properly, bras that push your boobies up and out, and using a perfume that makes him want to tear of that bra and smear your make-up!

You want to have a body with feminine curves. If your body is like a skinny straight line, work-out your butt.

If your body is a big blob, lose weight so your real beauty can shine through.

Does this require hard work? Yes of course! But do YOU want a lazy dude who does nothing to make himself successful? So why should HE want a lazy girl who does nothing to make herself look her best?

It's also important to have a nice boobs-to-gutski ratio. You don't want your gut to stick out more than your snuggle-bubbles.

NOTE TO DUDES: It's important that you guys have a good gutski-to-jammy ratio. If your beer gut sticks out more than your jammy it will cast a shadow over it and you will have 6 more weeks of winter. In other words, your ground hog will be hibernating for a looong time.

Making yourself hotter also has to do with learning how to give him sexy looks, how to walk in a sexy way, and how to hint at sexual things without being too obvious.

Being less annoying and less psycho is mainly a matter of self-control.

COMMON ANNOYING THINGS THAT GIRLS DO
- constantly being late
- nagging
- being bossy
- gossiping about co-workers and friends
- talking non-stop about topics your boyfriend has no interest in
- being too clingy and needy
- needing constant attention
- complaining about everything and not taking any action to fix it
- creating drama
- not swallowing (ya know, your vitamins. Yeah, Vitamin D! For... uh... Dabba-dabba-doo-dad-a-ding-dong.)

SOME PSYCHO THINGS GIRLS DO
- accusing your man of sha-boinking other girls with no proof
- looking through all your boyfriend's things
- secretly following your dude around or getting friends to spy on him
- checking his email
- getting jealous any time you see your man with another woman no matter what the circumstance
- to see if he's been with another woman, waiting until he falls asleep to start sniffing his wiener.

You need to get your boyfriend more attracted to you. This means physically and emotionally.

Find out what he likes in these departments. Every guy is different. Some guys like nice boobies while other guys instead value REALLY nice boobies.

You should be willing to make any changes as long as YOU are comfortable with them, too. For instance, I don't care if the hair on my groin-danglers is long or short. So if a girl says to me, "Ya know, your groin-danglers look much more beautiful with short groin-dangling hair" then I'm cool with trimming the ball bush.

But if she was like, "Ya know, I'd really like if you quit this comedy stuff and became a librarian" that is out of the question for me so I know we're not compatible.

NOTE TO LIBRARIANS: I have a great admiration for the work you do. It's just not for me. Is that OK? Do I have to be a freakin' librarian to please you?! Why do I have to be like you, dad! Ahem.

So find out his preferences. Say, "How do you like my hair the best? Darker, lighter, shorter, longer?"

Ask him to describe his fantasy relationship... He might give you a list:

- a girl who is pretty, smart, and enjoys hobbies such as cooking, traveling, and dining in another girl's uh, Yummy Palace.

Armed with that information you can decide if you'd like to fulfill his fantasy. If you ARE willing, then you can most likely get him super attracted to you.

A major way to get someone attracted to you is through the promise of great pleasure sometime in the near future. Hint that you will make his fantasies come true.

Get him to associate pleasurable activities with you. If he likes to go to football games then go with him! But only if you'll enjoy the time with him. Don't go if you'll be complaining the entire time.

Get him emotionally attracted to you. Be supportive of his dreams. Encourage him. Listen to him. Make it so you're the first person he wants to tell good news. Make it so you're the person he trusts to tell his fears.

Now look how much you're giving to him! He'll naturally want to keep you. He will FIGHT to keep you because you're so valuable and difficult to replace! Not many guys truly have a girl they are physically attracted to who is also supportive, caring, and thoughtful. That's marriage material right there.

Only a guy who is really against commitment will turn down that kind of complete package. In which case you should refuse to accept any more home deliveries of HIS complete package!

Then apply 3rd degree medieval nipple torture while burning down his balls!

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