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Hey HogWild,

Me and my man recently broke up. I love him to death but he seems to have moved on. We don't speak at all. He hasn't even written to me. What should I do? Should I just move on or try fixing it? Please help.

- D in ?

Hog's Relationship Advice:

So why aren't you two together? Is it because when you say you "love him to death" it's because you KILLED him?!!!

I want a girl who's gonna love me UNTIL death not TO death!

I don't want a girl smothering me with hugs, "I'm loooooving you! ... to DEATH!"

NOTE: Unless she's smothering my face with her big soft "hug-jugs." Heh heh. Hug-jugs.

To give you a detailed answer, I need details about your situation. I would need to know:

Why did you two break-up?

Why haven't you moved on?

OK, what's the REAL reason you haven't moved on?

Sometimes couples can re-unite after a break-up. It depends on the REASONS for the break-up.

For example, sometimes two people take each other for granted and they bicker and say hurtful things. It's not until they are apart that they take HogWild's Words of Wisdom:

"Realize how much you MEAN to each other instead of being MEAN to each other."

I also have Words of Wizdum:

"Men, be not intimidated by a strong woman. For she can plow the fields while you drink beer."

You can also get back together if the reason for the break-up was a timing issue. There are certain times in your life when you DON'T want to be in a relationship -- with ANYBODY.

You need to explore your individuality.

You need to do some self-discovery.

You need to boink random humans while drunk. And sometimes sheep. Baaah!

NOTE: Do not actually have sex with sheep. You're supposed to COUNT sheep to fall asleep, not molest them!

This is called the Lil' Ho Phase.

Then after this Lil' Ho Phase passes, you feel ready for something more important. A relationship.

NOTE: For guys, the Ho Phase NEVER passes. Guys suppress this urge because they don't want to hurt their girlfriend. And because they don't want their girlfriend to hurt THEM by squeezing their right testicle like a slice of lime in a drink!

But sometimes the reasons for breaking-up are insurmountable such as:

- You don't get along.
- You don't have trust for each other.
- You aren't attracted to each other any more on any level.
- You called out the wrong name while making love... to his brother.

NOTE: Saying the RIGHT name while riding the romance-rod of the WRONG guy does NOT count for partial credit.

YOUR MAN: You had sex with my brother?!
YOU: Yes but I called out YOUR name!
YOUR MAN: Oh. Well then I guess that makes it half-OK. Wait... WHICH brother?
YOU: How could ask you ask me that?! I obviously don't remember his name!

Your ex-dude has moved-on. So why haven't you?

YOU: "Because I looooove him!"

OK, that's true. And you're allowed to love him. But if he doesn't love you then you're not in a love affair. It means you ADMIRE him.

From afar.

A love relationship only happens when BOTH people actively love each other.

For example: I love Lynda Carter -- the actress who played Wonder Woman on TV. But she doesn't love me. Sad, I know. So our "relationship" is not defined as a love relationship. It's more of a stalker/stalkee type of thing.

NOTE TO LYNDA CARTER: I am NOT stalking you! I just google you on occasion! Wishing google was my doodle... I've been bad! Punish me Wonder Woman! Tie me up in your Lasso of Truth!!!

Ahem.

So why haven't you moved on? What is the real reason?

Is he the only single guy in your village of igloos?

Did he match up to all of your top values in a man?

Sometimes we cling to another person because we're afraid that no one else will ever love us...

Well, this guy is already not loving you. So you have nothing to lose.

Make a list of the Top 5 values you want in your Perfect Boyfriend.

For instance:

1 - Great sense of humor
2 - Loyal
3 - Caring
4 - Wants a family
5 - Big where it counts -- in his pants! In his wallet!

Think carefully. Did your ex-dude match up to this?

If he did, then you can consider trying to get him back.

If not, then move on. Find someone who is a better match for you. Sometimes it's a blessing when you break up because even though you were scared to let go -- it's the right thing to do because something is off. Something between you two is not clicking.

Now you have an awesome opportunity to find a person who is RIGHT for you.

Appreciate the good things from your old relationship and REALIZE the things you would like DIFFERENT in your new relationship.

If you decide to get your guy back, you need to communicate. Write him a letter. Don't be all pathetic and lonely. Be sincere. Be from the heart. Tell him why you think he's great and why you two should at least talk.

Don't try to get him to change his mind over email. It won't happen. Get him to agree to a phone call. Or even better, a meeting in person.

Don't talk about the relationship endlessly. Just have fun with each other. Remind him of why he liked you in the first place.

TRANSLATION: Show him yer hug-jugs! HA HA HA!

Ask him, if he had a magic wand, what would he change to make it so he'd want to be with you again.

But know that he might not feel comfortable telling you his real answer. If he's not attracted to you any more, he's not going to want to hurt your feelings.

When he gives you his answer, ask him, is that the ONLY thing?

If yes, and you believe it to be his honest reason, you must decide for yourself if you want to change this condition for him.

For instance, there was a girl I REALLY liked but high on her values is religion. Personally, at this point in my life, I believe in God but I'm not a huge fan of religion. It's cool that she's into it, but I'm not. So for her magic wand, she would make me into someone religious.

Well, I thought about it because I really cared about her. But ultimately, I didn't want to change this to be with her.

Now if she said something like, "I could be with you if you'd be willing to participate in threesomes with my hot girlfriends." Well, I guess I could compromise on that.

MY TOP VALUES IN MY ULTIMATE GIRLFRIEND
- We laugh together
- Cooks me bbq chicken wings
- Pretty
- Positive attitude
- Awesome sex (baaah! :)
- Adventurous
- Laid back
- Big where it counts... in her chest! In her heart. Awwww.

NOTE TO SELF: You are so gay.

If you decide it's best to move-on, then do it! No going back. Stop thinking about him. Go out with your friends. If you don't have any friends, then this is the perfect time to make some!

You've already mourned over the broken relationship -- now it's time to have fun! Go out! Meet new people! Do new things! Show off your hug-jugs!

Fill your spare time with fun activities and go to places where you will meet good people. And along the way, you will meet some cool guys! And then you can boink their brothers!

Baaaah!

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