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a Expert Dating Advice column by Hog-Wild
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Q25: How can I discourage vultures from roosting in my trees? --Dick W.
Hold up! Wait a minute! You go to CASE, and you expect to get hazed by a Fraternity! Isnt that like double jeopardy or something? You already have to go to CASE, how much more of an ordeal do you expect to go through? While some Greek organizations still haze, I will conjecture that most do not. But in general, learning to pay your dues is a good experience that will prepare you for the future.
For instance, when you start your dream job debugging software automation programs in Visual C++, do you think your co-workers will allow you to jump right in and start with the FUN STUFF? No! Therell be no exciting adventures in object-oriented coding for you! Oh no, you have to WORK YOUR WAY UP to that level. First youll be sticky-note boy. Thats right. The only tests youll be running are the ones to ensure that each sticky-note has the proper stick-to-it-tivness. And the only DEBUGGING youll be doing is spraying Pest Control under and around the Candy Machine.
Yup, being in a Fraternity will make you a man. It will make you responsible. It will encourage you to think independently, yet act as a cooperative team member. And with any luck, it will also help you score. While my experience with my Fraternity was and is outstanding, I must say, do you have what it takes? Can you fortify yourself against the foul smells of a bathroom shared by 26 unclean college men whose idea of personal hygiene is not wearing the same socks on back-to-back weeks? Can you accept the opinions of others when they are expressed in a bologna-belch that splashes your offended nostrils flush against your cheeks? Simply stated, can you survive and enjoy living in a house with young men learning that life is more than just beer, babes, and bbq chicken wings? Um, wait a second . . . I guess I didnt learn a damn thing!
So should you Rush? Absolutely. Rush is just about meeting people. Being in a Fraternity is, at its most basic level, just about learning to live with friends. So Rush is a process where you discover if you want to make these people your friends. And duh, theres like free wings at every event so what do you have to lose? Now go out, meet people, and have fun. And just stay away from that bovine Sorority, ETA LOTTA PI.
Okay Sandra. Lets get one thing straight here. Speaking of straight, you live in SAN FRANCISCO, and you found a STRAIGHT MAN. What else could you ask for? You know as well as I do that there are plenty of men who love to cook in SF. But are they interested in you? No. My Lord woman! You finally find a man who doesnt wear a frilly, pink thong to bed and now you want to dress him up in an apron?!
I admit it. Watching a man cook, IS attractive. Actually for me, watching ANYBODY cook is attractive. If my wife was a man and still cooked like she cooks, I might be Living La Vida Loca in John Teshs pants. The point is, dont ask your partner to stretch beyond his or her capabilities. A relationship is not about challenging each other to reach greater heights in personal achievement-its about laying around in your underwear, belching loudly, and letting your body transmutate into the shape of a jiggly oval.
While some nubs enjoy cooking, yours clearly does not. Dont push him to do this unless you want to be pressured in the same way. For instance, you probably do not enjoy scrubbing the toilet while wearing nothing but leather riding boots. But your nub would find you sooo much more attractive. What is this saying about you now? Youre ugly unless youre bent over a urinal cake scraping dried human bladder spillage off the bowl?
You Sandra, are DISGUSTING! So stop it. Stop it right now I say. And enjoy your boyfriends company. So fine, he may not be the marryin kind, but hes probably good enough to finance the remainder of your post-graduate education until you dump him for some academic egg-head.
Dude, I bet if I kicked you in the groin with concrete boots you wouldnt feel a thing. Thats because you have no grapes! Hellooooo!!! Since when has a bim ever been impressed by a spineless dweeb who held the confidence of an under-developed adolescent deer surrounded by a pack of hungry Lions? If Bob Dole can talk about E.D. on Television, then certainly YOU can ask some bim out on a date.
Just remember. You are superior. She is just a girl. She is merely an object you desire. If she doesnt realize that you are her Purple Prince of Orgasm, then forget her! Move on to the next honey in biker shorts! Ka-peesh? Bless you.
So once you nail down all those lies and mindgames, stand tall, smile, and before you can clumsily spit out your pathetic inquiry of her weekend plans, steal a nice big glimpse of her hooterage. Because Lord knows, she may never let you that close to her bosoms again! In conclusion, e-mail is good for breaking up. Not getting together. Because there are times when a man doesnt want look a young woman in the eyes and say, Sweetheart, Im sorry. Your ass is too jiggly and your cooking tastes like BBQ roadkill. Messages like that are best delivered through the cold, faceless, medium of the Internet. And besides, you can blind-carbon-copy it to all your friends!
This my man, is like Sandra Bullock, a no-brainer. If you can only afford one, go with the Internet! First of all, HOGWILD.NET has not yet penetrated the cable medium, so it would be more difficult to get your fix. Second, just think about it. Cable has hundreds of CRAPPY choices. The Internet has MILLIONS of crappy choices! And Cable TV doesnt have entire channels devoted to a mans dog in Iowa (as does the Net.) All the information you could ever want is on the Net--- if you could find it. And thats the cool part!
While watching TV, you have an innate sense of how much time you have to channel-surf while the commercials are on. During a 6 minute break you can scan 72 channels in search of hooterage. But on the Net, you truly get to use your skills as a Hunter-Gatherer. The hunt NEVER ENDS! Thats the beauty. Just when you thought youve scanned EVERY website for those bims in "Sister, Sister", there go 53 more!
But lets break it down to the truth. If you spend your hard-earned units on Cable, youll have to wait for the wee hours of morning to see any serious hootsand you can forget about hardcore anal-asian-midget-porn! On the Net youve got 24 hour access to that stuff! The choice is clear. Cablelimited channels and no hardcore inter-racial anal-asian-midget-porn. Or the Internet--- UNLIMITED channels and PLENTY of hardcore inter-racial, anal-asian-midget porn. You make the call.
Q25: How can I discourage vultures from roosting in my trees? --Dick W.
Dick, Dick, Dick. Youve got the old "vultures" roostin, ay? Nasty little problem, isnt it? I recommend vinegar, penecillan, and sandpaper. Want a second opinion? Check out these other advice sites on the Net!Shop at the Bodega. Great Brands. Great Prices. Win Stuff.
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