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How to give a Girl a Kiss she'll NEVER Forget How can I stop being clingy and needy? What are your Rules for Dating? How do you flirt over email or text message? How do I get a girl attracted to me? Does this guy like me or not?! How do I know if I'm really in love? How do I get a guy more attracted to me? Why do nice guys finish last? Neither of us has made the first move. Should I make a move or wait for him?www.hogwild.net

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Hey Hog,

I've started having feelings for a friend. I've known her for about 6 months. I like her but I'm not sure if she likes me back in that way.

She never really gave me a signal that DOESN'T like me, and sometimes I get the feeling she might feel the same way that I do.

I want proof that she likes me before I make up my mind on what to do.

I don't want to make the friendship awkward over a stupid decision, so how can I find out if she likes me back?

- B in Long Island, NY

Hog's Relationship Advice:

Ah, it's a classic dilemma. The ol' "Should I risk the friendship for a shot at love?"

You don't want to wake up one day and wonder what could have been.

You need to ask yourself, is this person irreplaceable as a friend?

Because yes, you DO risk the friendship by bringing romantic feelings into it. You don't WANT to lose her as a friend, but is she your best friend? Would you be devastated if you lost her friendship?

If not, then you can think about trying something romantic.

But there's another, even more important question you need to ask yourself... Is this a real attraction you're having or are you just lonely?

Sometimes when we're feeling lonely we look at our friends in a new way. For instance, you would never eat your cat. But what if you were starving and hadn't eaten in 3 weeks? You might start getting some ideas. You might get the ketchup.

HINT: Cats don't taste good with ketchup. They go better with soy sauce.

NOTE TO SELF: Aww! Really? A joke about Chinese food? C'mon! You can do better than that! What's wrong with you!

So don't ruin a friendship because you're starving for romance. But if it's more than that... if you find that you are now ATTRACTED to your friend...

And that's key. Because getting along together is not enough. Getting along is what friends have. What makes a relationship special is that you have friendship PLUS attraction. Girls, the guy has to put a spark in your uh, passion area. Guys, you need a girl who revs up your romance-rod.

OK, now the 2nd part of your question: How to tell if she like, LIKE-LIKES you in like, that likey-way.

Since she is your friend, she will give you friendly signals. You want to look for attraction signals.

FRIENDLY SIGNALS vs. ATTRACTION SIGNALS

FRIENDLY SIGNAL: She copies your body language. If you touch your ear, a few seconds later she touches her ear, too.

ATTRACTION SIGNAL: If you touch your wiener, a few seconds later she touches your wiener too.

FRIENDLY SIGNAL: When you speak, she is looking into your eyes.

ATTRACTION SIGNAL: When you speak, she is looking into your crotch. And licking her lips. And moaning. And drawing a picture of 2 stick-figures humping.

OK for real...

Some attraction signals she will give you...

* She plays with her hair around you. Especially if she plays with her hair in a way that exposes her neck.

* She strokes cylindrical objects. This is a big one! It sounds crazy, but girls will do this subconsciously. Especially a beer bottle or her glass or her straw or her vibrator. This is a big signal and a girl won't even realize she is doing it.

* She touches you when she speaks. Some girls do this all the time. But other girls only touch boys they like. On the forearm is normal. If she's touching you other places, that's a good signal. Especially if it's your wiener.

* She compliments your looks or your intelligence or your talents or your clothes or your wiener or the talents of your wiener.

* She laughs at all your stupid jokes. Even the 12 jokes you just did about wieners.

* She's afraid to disagree with you. When girls like a guy, a lot of times they get afraid to disagree with him. This is annoying but some girls think they should do this.

* When you touch her, she doesn't vomit.

* She gives good long hugs. If you hug her and she gets all stiff, that's no good. If you hug her and she tries to squirm away, that's no good. If you hug her and she reaches for her mace, that's kinda kinky.

* She initiates conversations with you. She asks you questions to keep the conversation going. This is pretty normal since you're friends... but does she also ask about who you are dating or who you like? It could be because she wants to know her competition.

* Does she tell you about other dudes she is dating or does she hesitate to talk about that stuff? If a girl likes you, she usually doesn't want you to know that she just did the Sticky-Squishy-Fishy-Flop-Dance with another guy.

Right? Because as a guy, when you like a girl and she asks if you've been on any dates lately, you usually try to hide it. Don't!

Let her know that you have your CHOICE of women. Girls like it when they know you've chosen her, instead of being with her by default.

If the girl is giving you a bunch of those signals, she probably likes you. But you can never be 100% sure. Because girls change their mind as often I change my underwear. About once per week.

NOTE: Just kidding! I change my underwear every single day! Unless I'm down to my last pair of boxer-shorts. Then I wear them inside-out.

The worst thing you can do is to be friends with a girl and then tell her you like her out of no where.

There are 3 ways to go about getting a girl who is your friend to be your spank-toy.

1 - SMALL B@LLS TECHNIQUE

Drop hints.

Flirt with her. See if she flirts back.

That's really the best thing you can do. Build up the flirty behavior over a few weeks until you get obvious signals that she likes you. Then you kiss her.

But if you REALLY want to go for it. You can try...

2 - BIG HAIRY B@LLS TECHNIQUE

NOTE: Girls respect big hairy b@lls. Figuratively. You may want to trim the hair on your ACTUAL b@lls depending on the customs of your local community.

YOU: You know, I think we would actually make a good couple. We get along really well and you're kinda cute. (Smile.) But I don't want to mess up our friendship. That's what's most important. So anyway, how was the movie yesterday?

Now you've planted the seed in her head. She'll be thinking of you in a new way. Plus you've enacted the powerful rule of "People Want What They Can't Have."

The next step is to get her more and more attracted to you. This is a whole other subject. But basically you will:

1 - Tease her in a fun way. Treat her like she's just another one of your goofy friends. Do NOT act all romantic.

2 - Let her know you are going on dates with other girls. Tell her about the girls who like you but you are rejecting. Don't brag. Just mention it casually. Use poetic license here. Don't mention that the girls you reject are super fat with greasy hair and breath that smells like a frog's v@gina.

3 - Tell her FLATTERING stories about yourself. Do NOT tell her stories that make you look bad.

Do NOT tell her that story of how you hurt your stomach from laughing so hard after you saw an old lady fall down a flight of stairs.

DO tell her the part of the story where you visited the old lady in the hospital because after all, she IS your Grandma. And besides, you felt guilty for tripping her.

Awwww!

Good stories are stories where you are protecting your loved ones, you're being a leader, you're being intelligent, you're helping someone, or you're rejecting girls because they're not up to your standards.

If you're doing it right, in a short time you should see the girl start to give you some attraction signals. So now you can make a semi-date scenario. You're going to hang out with her like you normally do. Like go to the movies or something. But now notice how she dresses. Did she get dressed-up for you? Is she wearing perfume? Is she trying to impress you? If she's trying to impress you, that's good.

If she's wearing boxer-shorts inside-out, that's bad.

And finally there is...

3 - HOGWILD'S SUPER GIANT MANLY SWINGING HAIRY B@LLS TECHNIQUE

YOU: Girl, I saw you looking at my crotch.
GIRL: What?!
YOU: It's OK. How could you not, with my super giant manly swinging hairy b@lls.
GIRL: Ew! You have hairy b@lls?!
YOU: Oh yeah. Now listen up. I've decided to let you experience the greatest kiss of your life. I want to see if you're a good enough kisser for me.

Then you wrap one arm around her waist and pull her into you. Hard. You look down into her eyes. Breathe in deeply with desire. With your other hand, you pull her hair until her head snaps up. You softly taste her lips. Kiss her gently. Then... you get more passionate and you're kissing her deeply and before you know it you're throwing her bra on the floor! Of the bus.

HINT: Don't really do this on the bus. In general, girls don't want their first kiss with you to be on public transportation.

MODES OF TRANSPORTATION WHERE GIRLS THINK IT'S HOT TO GET FRISKY (FROM HIGHEST TO LOWEST)

- In the back of a limousine after attending the Grammy Awards
- Airplane
- Train across Europe
- Horse drawn carriage in Central Park
- in the back of the WNBC News 4 truck
- in a motorcycle side-car
- Segway scooter
- #6 train to the Bronx
- Pogo Stick after attending the Grammy Awards

So go for it! Risk it all on a roll of the dice!

Don' just TELL her what you want, SHOW her! Draw her a picture of 2 stick-figures humping!

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