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Hey Hog,
I don't know what's wrong with me, but I can't seem to find the right kind of guy. I only ask that the guy is nice, mature, sensitive, and a gentleman, plus cute. Why is it that I can't find a guy like that?

- R in Orlando

Hog's Relationship Advice:

You want a guy who is nice, mature, sensitive, a gentleman AND cute! That's a lot to ask. You should do something called, "Lowering your Standards."

How about a guy who is nice but immature. Sensitive but rude. And cute. Like a pug.

OK, no. Don't lower your standards. But you know what? You CAN find the type of guy you describe. It's really easy. You're looking for good old fashioned Mr. Nice Guy. There are billions of these guys.

Girls SAY they want a nice guy but they really don't.

Girls want a guy who is nice but is NOT
- a push-over
- weak
- afraid to approach girls
- unconfident.

What you girls want is a strong, confident man who is ready to take charge but who is ALSO nice. Nice as in, he takes cares of you emotionally. But he also knows when to stand up to you when you're being all whiny and set your straight.

Finding a guy like this is a lot tougher.
Most dudes fall into the categories of nice guy or gas-hole.

What I suggest to guys is to do what I do: be a nice gas-hole.

How to be a Nice Gas-Hole

I'll take the qualities you asked for in a guy:
nice, mature, sensitive, a gentleman and cute.

Ways to be nice:

- Be kind to animals, children, and old people.
- Remember important things like your girl's birthday, her favorite foods, and her name.

Ways to be mature:

- Don't fart around her. And if you do, don't request a congratulatory high-five.
- When she gets undressed, don't point at her and giggle, "Tee-hee-hee Boobies!!!"

Ways to be sensitive:

- If your girl needs to be comforted, take the time to listen to her and hold her in your arms. Don't outsource this job to a man in India.

INDIAN MAN WITH HEAVY INDIAN ACCENT: "I see you are sad. Press 1 for me to nod and listen. Press 2 for me to hug you while you use my shirt as a nasal tissue."

Ways to be a gentleman:

- When walking together, the man should always walk on the outside, closest to the curb. This is because if a truck skids off the road and jumps the sidewalk it will crush you, giving your girl just enough time to get out of the way so she cancel your reservation at the restaurant.

Ways to be cute:

- Dress in cool clothes.
- Don't smell.
- Don't have mooters. (Man hooters.)

It's OK to be a bit of a gas-hole, too. Have a backbone!

If your girl is complaining non-stop about trivial crap, then put the smack-down.

(Figuratively. You should never smack a girl. Except when she's bent over the kitchen table.)

NOTE: Um, only if she's NAKED bent over the kitchen table. Girls don't like it when you smack their ass as they're clearing the dishes after Christmas dinner. Besides, you might excite her Grandma. And nobody wants to see Grandma bent over the kitchen table, rubbing her hand in a circular motion over her pruney booty. Well, some people want to see that, but you freaks are at the wrong web site!

Here's what it comes down to...

Nice guys tend to be ass-kissers who are afraid to upset their girl because she might leave him.

I say, f*ck that!

Be straight and direct and if she can't handle it, then it's time for me to get a new girl. I'm never afraid that I'll lose a girl because I know how to get a new girl. If a girl is awesome, I respect her. I take care of her. And that's what is key. I care enough about a girl to be HONEST with her. It takes guts to be honest. Sometimes you have to be a jerk in the short-term to be a nice guy in the long-term.

HOW TO ATTRACT THE KIND OF NICE GUY YOU WANT:

Nice guys are scared to approach because they don't want to "offend" you. Or because they're afraid of rejection.

I've heard nice guys actually say things like, "I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable." Or "I don't want to bother her."

Please! If you're an awesome guy, you're never bothering a girl -- you're doing her a favor! How many of you girls wish more awesome guys would strike up a conversation with you?

Instead, you get approached by jerks, dweeb-a-zoids, and boring lame-o's.

So guys, be awesome!

Now, if you're being real and all you want is a nice guy who is a gentleman, here's how you do it. (You didn't say he had to be exciting or have a great sense of humor or have ambition.):

Nice guys don't approach you. YOU have to invite them to talk to you. Here's how to do it...

At the bar/club:
Look for the guy who is a little bit nervous. He's standing around. Clutching his drink like it's the safety bar on a roller coaster.

Girls, don't approach guys in bars. You're not a hooker. Give him signals to approach you. Because he's clueless, you'll need to give him more signals than the Yankees 3rd base coach.

Smile at him. Play with your hair. Smile at him again. Keep looking at him. Do NOT be next to ANY guys. Wait about 45 minutes while he orders more drinks to work up the nerve and talks over the situation with his buddies. Now it's time to put on the big move...

Leave your spot so he can't see you anymore.
He'll freak out. He knows he screwed up. He lost his chance. About 5 minutes later, find him. This will be easy to do because he'll be sweating. Stand ALONE. Smile at him again. Now he will approach you. If not, he might be brain-dead.

At the park or coffee shop or book store or the mall or church or supermarket:
Approach him. Ask him a fact question.

Example: "I'm buying my brother a birthday gift, can you recommend a good book or movie that a guy would like?"

NOW... he probably is nervous and flustered that an actual girl approached him. So he won't be able to form sentences. He will probably reply with something like, "Uh, book good. Movie explosions better. I like yo-yo's!"

So it's up to YOU to keep the conversation going. Just keep pushing forward. Use your girlie skills to yammer away. He will start to settle down. Now he's evaluating you to see if he thinks you are "do-able."

Whatever your hotness rating is, it just shot up 3 points with a nice guy because you are talking to him. Nice guys aren't so discriminating. Remember, most guys don't go for the hottest girl. Most guys go for the easiest girl who is HOT ENOUGH. Guys go for the quickest path to sex (or in the case of nice guys, a 1 night stand of cuddling).

From here, you have two options. Go out on a little date right now or get him to ask for your phone number.

If there's time, go on a little date. Why waste time with phone calls when you can find out more about him now? If you're in the park, invite him to walk with you as you two talk and get to know each other. If you're in the book store, invite him to grab a coffee with you. Keep it as simple as possible. Don't go inviting him out to some fancy dinner. Something that is RIGHT THERE.

Otherwise, get him to ask for your number. Never offer your number without him asking. If he doesn't ask, he's not interested in you. Or he's too stupid. Either way, you have to move on.

HOW TO GET A GUY TO ASK FOR YOUR NUMBER

YOU: Well it was REALLY nice talking to you. (Put your hand on his arm.) Unfortunately, I have to be going... (look at him for 2 seconds) It would be nice to talk to you again sometime...

I wonder how we can do that! If only there was some technology that enabled us to communicate with sound! Wouldn't it be great to be able to contact other humans by pressing buttons that correspond with a unique set of numbers?

NICE GUY: Um. Oh, so do you like, have a phone number or uh?

GAS-HOLE: Hey girl. When you're done giving your phone number to this guy, I'll take you to the bar and if you're lucky, at the end of the night, I'll let you make-out with my crotch.

YOU: You are such a jerk!

GAS-HOLE: Whatever babe.

YOU: Don't leave! Take my number!

NICE GUY: Um, can I still have your number?

YOUR FIRST DATE WITH THE NICE GUY

YOU: Thank you for inviting me to this really boring chain restaurant and bringing me 2 dozen roses.

NICE GUY: Oh it's cool. I had a coupon. So what did you do this week?

YOU: Um, well on Tuesday I met up with that Gas-hole and he slammed his romance-rod into my passion area so hard that I nearly broke the sink in the bar bathroom!

NICE GUY: Ahem. Uh. Well, I saw a delightful new show about 18th century pottery on public television.

YOU: But I'm done with that gas-hole. I just want... a Nice Guy. That Gas-hole didn't even invite me to sleep over! He just left! And in his place came a small Indian man who said, "I am sorry, but your gas-hole friend has hired me to do this... <FAAART> High-Five!"

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