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Hi Hog,

I have been single for like 2 months and I am thinking about starting to date again. The only thing is I am not sure I am over my ex.

Do you think that if I start dating again it will make me forget him? Or will I just be more miserable?

I dated him for a year and the break-up didn't go all that well. We are like really close now though and every time I hang out with him it kills me. I think I loved him. It's just we fought a lot and it needed to end. HELP!

- A in Peoria, Arizona

Hog's Relationship Advice:

Are you over him? No.
Do you WANT to get over him? No.
And that's why you're not.

If you wanted to get over him, you wouldn't be hanging out with him -- you'd be running around town holding a bottle of whiskey in one hand and a sailor in the other.

Do you want to get back with him or not?

If you were arguing all the time, this means you two don't know how to communicate or you are just incompatible.

If you want to get back with him, that's a different story... But I'll tell you this, getting back into the same situation and behaving the same way but expecting different results is 100% retarded. The only way the outcome changes is if your (and his) behavior changes.

However...

If you really want to move on, here is what you do: Stop thinking about him. FOCUS your mind on something/someone else.

Occupy all your thoughts on your job or knitting clothes for kittens.

This is not easy.

To get over your ex-boyfriend, you need to resolve the situation in your head. You need to reach a definite conclusion that it would NEVER work out. Once you realize there is no hope of getting back together, once you realize you are BETTER off NOT being together... now you can move forward.

HOW TO GET OVER YOUR EX (IF YOU'RE A GIRL)
- collect your girlfriends together and cry it out... eat ice cream
- go to the mall with your girlfriends and buy new shoes... eat ice cream
- get rid of everything that reminds you of him... eat ice cream

HOW TO GET OVER YOUR EX (IF YOU'RE A GUY)
- eat ice cream. Off another girl's bazooms.

You asked me, "Do you think that if I start dating again it will make me forget him? Or will I just be more miserable?"

This is how I know you're not over him. You don't date someone else to forget your ex. You date someone to discover what this person is about and if they are a good match for you.

REASONS GIRLS GO ON DATES
- because she doesn't feel like cooking tonight
- so she won't feel lonely
- so she feels like she made the guy "work for it" before swallowing his romance-pole in the backseat of the car

REASONS GUYS GO ON DATES
- it's the required step before getting his romance-pole swallowed in the car

When you are seeing someone else, it will focus your mind on that person and off your ex. So that's good. However, if you don't really want to get over your ex, you will subconsciously sabotage things with the new guy.

You'll do little things that screw things up like shouting out your ex-boyfriend's name in bed.

NOTE TO GIRLS: If you shout out the wrong name, here's how you recover...
YOU: Johnny!
TOM: Who the hell is Johnny?
YOU: Uh... Oh! That's the name I've given to your pen!s. Your HUGE pen!s. Woo! You've got a big one! Big ol' Johnny!
TOM: I think I love you.

The more experiences you have with new guys where things don't work out, the more you will idealize your ex. You'll think to yourself, "Well, see I tried other guys but it didn't work out! This proves that my ex was the best guy for me."

But no. Much like heroin, you have to give it a fair shot.

NOTE: Don't shoot heroin. Especially on Tuesdays. NEVER on Tuesdays!!!

You should also start dating BEFORE you are "totally ready" because nobody is ever totally ready.

You were with this guy for a long time. One of the painful things here is that you are losing more than just a partner, you are losing part of yourself. Your relationship with him was part of your identity. Now it's like that part of yourself has died. And it hurts.

You'll notice that in every culture, when someone dies, they make a big ceremony to make it final. This helps us to get over it. Honor what has ended, but enable to us to keep living. So in this way, you need to bury the idea of your relationship with him.

A good way to do this is to approach your ex-boyfriend, look him in the eye, and hit him over the head with a shovel. Now drag his body into that 6 foot ditch you prepared the night before and cover him with dirt.

NOTE: This may be considered Murder 1 in some jurisdictions. Check your local laws.

But you can embrace this opportunity. Things weren't that great. You were fighting all the time. Now is your chance to do better. To get a guy who you will get along with better. A guy with a greater F.E.P. (Future Earning Potential), a guy who will make you feel special, a guy who will give you triple-deluxe org@sms.

NOTE TO GIRLS: You haven't org@smed until you've had the triple-deluxe.There's the regular org@sm, then the deluxe org@sm that comes with lettuce, tomato, and french fries. The TRIPLE-deluxe... well it's illegal for me to even describe the details of the pleasure you will get. But I can tellyou this: for you girls, it's like combining the scent of chocolate with the purchase of new designer shoes... in Paris... while drinking a Margarita... off a rock star's chest.

Listen, you don't need to forget your ex. You just need to understand that is completely over.

You need to really WANT to move on. If it hurts too much to see him, then it's OK not to see him. Tell him, "I want to be friends but I need time to myself right now. It's too hard for me to be in contact with you right now. I hope you understand."

Then cut off communication like foreskin at a bris.

Allow yourself to get mad. That's usually what motivates people to act, when they are fed up! Why should other people be in good relationships but not you! F&*^ that! You deserve to be happy, too! Don't settle for this bull$h!t caught-in-between crap! It's time to push forward and find that new awesome guy! F*&^ yeah! Let's do it!

Fly out to Paris and go get yourself le Pole de la Romance!

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