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Dear Hog,

I have trouble getting dates and I haven't had a boyfriend in 5 years. I don't understand because I feel like I'm attractive and I am really easy-going. I'm definitely not a high-maintenance chick. My question is, How can I become a woman that men want?

- S in Chicago

Hog's Relationship Advice:

Get n@ked! That's the kind of woman that men want! HA HA HA!

You need to get yourself out there. That's the marketing aspect of dating. I've covered online dating, what to wear when looking to pick-up and how to attract the kind of guy you want.

But there's also the product: You.

To be a woman that men want, become a kick-ass awesome amazing girl!

I can't speak for all guys, because like potato chips, they come in all different flavors and varieties ranging from country BBQ to stinky Onion to fancy organic baked boys (ho-mo-mo-mo-mos). But in general, dudes want a girl who is...

HOT!

So yeah, be hot.

HOW TO BE HOT:

#1: Don't be fat.

It's NOT about being skinny.

It's about having a nice figure. And with exercise, diet, and the miracles of fashion you can have a nice figure that makes a man reflexively twist his neck when you walk by.

In life, we are rewarded more for having one thing that is outstanding rather than a bunch of things that are mediocre. So if you have a shapely booty but small boobs, that's cool. Make your booty awesome with butt-ercises and don't worry about your teeny-tiny ta-ta's. Because you'll attract guys who cherish your cherubic cheeks.

Of course, high heels help shape your legs and make your booty look nicer... And they have special bras to make your snuggle-bubbles look bubblier.

Yes, it really is this simple. You can increase a man's attraction to you by getting in good shape. You know it. But are you willing to do it?

#2 Your face.

I am 100% against plastic surgery because it looks weird. Don't give yourself lip injections. No guy has ever been like, "Dude, I really like this girl but what's holding me back is that her lips are slightly thin." What?!

Don't make yourself look like a fish. If you have naturally plump limps, good for you! If not, no big deal.

I would only suggest plastic surgery if you have a huge honkin' nose. Not a big nose, but a HUUUUGE nose. Why go through life with that disadvantage if you don't have to? But otherwise, keep it natural.

The most important thing with your face is your skin. Keep it clean and fresh as best you can. Don't wear excessive make-up. Use just enough to cover up that zit or that scar or that 3rd eye in the middle of your forehead.

Studies show that a feminine face consists of a small chin, small nose, and big eyes. Most women don't have all these features. Use make-up to help accentuate your eyes and down-play your nose.

Don't have facial hair. Just don't, OK? None. Do whatever you have to do to get rid of it. Don't bleach it. Don't shave it. Don't set it on fire. Remove it. There are clinics and products that do this for you.

#3 Teeth

Clean. Straight. Simple to fix if you have the money. Very important. Your smile is essential.

Bright white teeth are not necessary. You CAN do this, but I think it's overkill. I don't need to see my reflection in your teeth.

But white teeth will make you look younger... So if you decide to bleach your teeth, do ALL of them! One yellow tooth looks WORSE than having all off-color teeth because it will stand out and shine and you'll look like an old school rapper from 1992.

#4 Hair

A girl can increase her hotness by a full point with her hair. Your hairstyle is something men don't appreciate on its own. They don't realize what it does for your face. Get a hairstyle that brings out the best in your face. Get a hair color that matches your skin tone.

Stop changing your hair color every 3 weeks. Find what works and stick with that.

Don't cut your hair.

That's right. SOME girls look great with short hair. But in general, men find long hair more sexy. If you're over 25 years old and you cut your hair short, there is a great chance your hair will never be long again. Why do you think 97% of old ladies have short hair?

Because it stops growing! Keep what you have. Take care of it. Keep it looking vibrant and luxurious and all those other fancy adjectives they use in shampoo commercials.

#5 Smell

Don't stink.

An intoxicating perfume will help you get guys. When shopping for a new perfume don't ask women! Your girlfriends don't know anything. Stop asking them this stuff. Talk to DUDES! Not your g@y friends. Dudes. Pull dudes in the store to smell the perfume on your wrist. Talk about a great way to meet guys!

#6 Fingernails

Nice long nails are feminine. Really long claw nails that curl over are gross. I can't think of any guy who has said, "Dude! I met this chick last night! Sooo hot! And she had these 12 inch nails that were 3 colors! Awesome! I can't wait until she splits my d!ck open when she gives me a hand-job!"

Your fingernails must be clean. Your toe nails, too. Paint your nails if you like. But make sure if you do, you don't let them get all chipped and nasty looking.

WARNING: My list is in order of importance. So, no, you can't be 100 pounds overweight and complain as you're chomping on beef jerky, "Why don't guys ask me out?! I have gorgeous fingernails!"

#XXX - The X Factor: Attitude & Personality

An essential part of being hot is your attitude and personality.

The personality you have now just might suck. Just like you can improve your God-given looks, you can improve your God-given personality.

For me, I like a girl whose personality includes a great sense of humor (meaning she makes me laugh and she laughs at the same type of humor I do), she's smart (can carry an INTERESTING conversation and is a quick learner) and she has an adventurous/naughty streak. Oh, and most important, I like a girl who is genuinely caring.

Now everyone THINKS they have those qualities, but no. They don't.

You don't have to have those specific traits. But you can make yourself more interesting by learning the art of conversation (not yapping, conversation), having a sense of humor about yourself, and expanding your social circle by doing interesting things with interesting people.

A quick way to be boring is to talk about the same stuff all the time. Or to lack passion. Snoooooze. Have something in life you are passionate about. It really doesn't matter what. Just something you love.

Learn to enjoy the activities your type of man enjoys. It helps. Guys LOVE to hang with girls who enjoy the same things they do. Because it's cool! You're like one of the guys, except with boobies!

NOTE: Yay! Boobies! Tee-hee-hee! :)

For instance, I love baseball. When I meet a girl who likes baseball and REALLY knows her sh!t, my eyes open wide. Because I know we will have something fun to do together.

Don't fake it. If you don't like something, you don't like it. I'm just saying, try some stuff out. You never know!

And here is the big bonus secret to How to be a woman that men want...

Ready?

When a guy knows that you like him, the chances he will like you back increase by approximately 1 billion percent.

Read that again.

I don't know if you realize how huge that is. Let it sink into your brain...

When a guy knows that you like him, the chances he will like you back increase by approximately 1 billion percent.

A guy will invent reasons to justify why he should like you back.

A man who wasn't considering you as a lover or girlfriend will now IMMEDIATELY consider you. Because 99% of guys do NOT go for the hottest girl. They go for the easiest path to steady sex with a girl who meets their basic standards. Get it?

First, you MUST meet his basic standards. But you DON'T have to be a perfect 10. I see average looking girls with more attractive dudes all the time. And I see average looking girls with big money professional guys, too. Why?

Because these girls met the basic requirements of these guys and they got to him first.

See, dudes are lazy and scared of rejection. Most guys don't want to go through the pain and effort of approaching and courting 50 women to find the best match. They get with the 1st girl who meets his basic requirements AND who LIKES HIM.

Once he knows you like him, a guy does a calculation about you:

YOUR TOTAL RATING = (YOUR HOTNESS RATING) - (YOUR ANNOYING RATING) - (YOUR PSYCHO RATING)

As you see (and you know) the hotter a girl is, the more crap she can get away with. So if you're a 6 in the looks department, you can't be an obnoxious high-maintenace chick who goes crazy. You need to be more easy-going and less outrageously ridiculously crazy.

For instance, I knew a girl who was very pretty: a 7. But she was always late, complained excessively and demanded gifts + she would cry at random times. This made her TOTAL RATING = -12. And that means, good-bye.

These ratings are totally subjective. One guy's 7 is another guy's 9. So if one guy doesn't find you hot, another guy might.

So, How do you tell a guy that you like him?

You don't.

You can NOT come across desperate and lonely and blurt out in your retard-voice, I LIKE YOU!

You have 2 choices:

1 - Have a trusted 3rd party tell him. (Best way)

2 - Drop hints. The problem here is that guys don't get subtlety. So you'll have to drop about 42 hints.

BONUS TIP

Have skills in the bedroom and in the kitchen.

Re-mixing a line from a rap song that was re-mixed from the Bible:

I want a girl who is a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets who knows how to cook because a Hogsta likes to eat!

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