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Hey Hog!

I love your advice. You're very direct and honest (and funny!)

I can't seem to find the kind of guy I want. It seems like the only guys I meet are not my type. But mostly I have trouble meeting guys in general. Why won't guys come up to me? Am I doing something wrong? How do I attract the kind of guy that I want?

Hog's Relationship Advice:

You've got 2 issues here.

1 - How to get more guys to approach you

2 - How to attract the kind of guy you want

What you REALLY want to know is How to get more guys OF YOUR TYPE to approach you.

To attract the kind of guy you want you must be able to DEFINE the type of guy who you want.

Most people don't know what they want. But they think they will know it when they see it. Or (what really happens) is they ADAPT what they "want" to what they have.

You think, "I THOUGHT I wanted an ambitious man with a great sense of humor but I'm happy with my couch-potato guy who laughs at his own farts..."

NOTE TO SELF: Stop laughing at my farts! HA HA HA! But they're funny!

If you're looking for a particular type of guy, go define it. Write down the Top 3 Traits your Awesome Ultimate Dream Boyfriend must have.

To do this, write down EVERYTHING you want. Since you're a girl it will probably be a list of 1,072 things. Now go back and decide on the Top 3 MUST-have traits.

NOTE: A guy's list is usually much shorter.

AVERAGE DUDE'S LIST OF QUALITIES A POTENTIAL GIRLFRIEND MUST HAVE:
1 - Pretty face
2 - Will have sex with me
3 - See #2

Now write down the DEAL-BREAKERS. What are the traits about a guy that would p!ss you off?

Congratulations! If you did that, then you are ahead of 99% of the world! You actually know what you want! Now you can go get him! Or, as I will show you, make HIM come to you. :)

So...

How to get more guys OF YOUR TYPE to approach you?

Go to the places where your type of guy hangs out.

Example:
If your Top 3 Traits are:

1 - Honest
2 - Athletic/Healthy
3 - Makes me laugh

Then you probably won't find your guy on a Tuesday night drinking at the Racetrack betting on horses.

But if you're Top 3 Traits are:
1 - Alcoholic
2 - Needs my help
3 - Exciting adventurous type likely to gamble away our children's college fund

Then you're in the right place!

You get the idea...

But you might be saying, How can I find out if a guy has these Top 3 Traits and none of my Deal Breakers?

You ask him! And you watch his ACTIONS.

Let's say one of your Deal Breakers is if he has kids, you know, because you hate children. Then just ask him this early on. It's better for both of you to not get too emotionally attached before he finds out you won't be with him because you despise babies.

FUN PLACES TO MEET GUYS BESIDES THE BAR
- the park
- a coffee shop
- a pizza shop
- an antique shop (if one of your Top 3 Traits in a man is homosexuality)
- baseball game
- the gym
- bookstore
- interest group like a Poetry Reading or a meeting of Nymphomaniacs Anonymous
- at your job
- at Thanksgiving dinner (for rednecks only)
- online dating site
- a friend's party
- a holiday party
- the Republican party. Hey, you both like the Death Penalty!
- grocery store. You're both in the cereal aisle! You're buying organic oats and twigs with strawberries. He's buying a big box with a cartoon rabbit

The idea is to BE OPEN to the idea of meeting someone new. Once you are open, your body language will become WELCOMING.

Most guys won't approach you if you scowl, have your arms folded and you're cursing under your breath.

NOTE: Unless you're here in NYC. Because almost all NY women look like that. HA HA HA! Yeah. It's true.

Here are some examples on how to meet dudes:

At the park:

You see a cute guy jogging. So you should
1 - stick out your leg
2 - help him off the ground
3 - ask his name

OK, for real:

You see a cute guy in the park sitting by himself.

1 - Check to make sure he is not talking to himself.
(if he is talking to himself, make sure he is on a Bluetooth)
2 - Sit at his bench.
3 - Ask him an innocent question like, "Do you have the time?" or "Is it supposed to rain?" or "May I jump on your face and make-out with your crotch?"

NOTE TO GUYS: GIrls can approach with any old dumb line because we don't care. But guys, you can NOT approach a girl like this! She will roll her eyes. And by roll her eyes, I mean punch you in the scrotum.

A girl should not approach guys in a bar. Because whores do that. But out in the daylight, you can do whatever you want. Just make it innocent. You're being friendly.

You can even compliment him.

YOU: Do you have the time?
CUTE GUY: Uh sure. It's 12:30.
YOU: You have sexy legs.
CUTE GUY: What?
YOU: Uh, I mean, I like your watch.
CUTE GUY: Oh, thanks! It also has a calculator on it!
YOU: Useful.
CUTE GUY: Do you want me to calculate something for you? Because I totally could.
YOU: I'm leaving now.
CUTE GUY: It also has a stop watch! You talked to me for 6.5 seconds. Hey! Come back! What's your name?!!

EXAMPLE #2. The coffee shop

My good friend just got married. And they met at a coffee shop. He approached her because she was reading something interesting.

So you can have interesting items that make it easy for a guy to comment on. Because most dudes don't approach because they worry that they won't have something clever to say. So if you give them something to talk about, more guys will approach.

For instance, I once approached a girl because she was wearing a cool hat. And she had huge snuggle-bubbles. But she ALSO had a cool hat. :)

So have an interesting item:

GUY: I like your pendant! I've never seen a girl wear a necklace with 2 dragonflies having sex.
YOU: It's a butterfly.
GUY: Uh, I'll be over there. Splashing hot coffee on my face.

Or you can invite him to talk to you with your girl-flirting-powers:

1 - make eye contact with him. Then look down all shy-like.
2 - smile at him.
3 - smile at him, then deep-throat a banana.

Guys don't get subtle hints. So the lesson is, always carry a banana.

SURE-FIRE WAYS TO PREVENT GUYS FROM APPROACHING YOU

- Be surrounded. Make it physically hard to approach you.
- Be with a guy. Guys always assume (wrongly) that a girl is together with the guy.

GUY BRAIN: Why risk talking to that girl when that guy might be her boyfriend when I can talk to that other girl who is alone?

NOTE: If you are super-ridiculously hot then this does not apply. Guys will approach you no matter what. Guys will approach you while you are KISSING your man.

GUY: Hey, you come here often?
YOU: Can't you see I'm busy kissing?
GUY: So, my name is Bradley.
YOU: Who invited you to my wedding?!
GUY: I'm the Best Man!
YOU: You're a sleaze-ball!
GUY: Take my business card.
YOU: You're an investment banker?
GUY: That's my dad's card. But I live with him so it's like the same thing. Call me! My number is on the back. Call me after 9 on weekdays. But weekends, call me any time. I'll be free.

To summarize:

- Go where your type of guy will be.
- Be open.
- Be friendly.
- Be alone or with ONE girlfriend.

Oh, last thing. The most important thing.

Be attractive!

Like it or not, our society treats dating/relationships like shopping. Everyone wants to get a partner who they think is a good value.

There are guys who you think are out of your "price-range" such as movie stars.

There are guys you think are crappy merchandise because they are unemployed, ugly, or both.

Then there are the guys you think are under-valued. You see how you can fix them up. You can get them on the cheap. And there's nothing a woman likes more than a good value! It's like how you brag to your girlfriends when you buy a new pairs of shoes. And she thinks you paid much more than you did. But you brag about how you found them on sale.

YOUR FRIEND: Wow! Nice boy! Where did you find him?
YOU: At this cute little street fair! I was just browsing but when I saw him, I was like, "I just have to have him!"
YOUR FRIEND: He looks expensive. Do you have to cook for him?
YOU: Well, normally you'd have to cook, clean and satisfy him orally. But you won't believe this, I found him on Clearance! His girlfriend just dumped him so he's 50% off!
YOUR FRIEND: Damn girl! I gotta go boy shopping with YOU!

Just like you have your 3 Top Traits, guys have this, too. Most guys don't know that they are exactly but most guys want a girl who is

1 - Attractive
2 - Loyal/honest
3 - Able to deep-throat a banana

DEAL BREAKERS: Really really dumb, really really annoying, cheating slut-bag

NOTE: The hotter you are, the more dumb, annoying, and slut-baggish you can be. Except for really high-value guys. They won't put up with that crap.

So be attractive! Hair and make-up work miracles for girls! Don't ask your g@y hairdresser what looks good. Ask MEN. Or look at the hair and make-up of hot celebrity women.

Dress in a way that flatters your body. Think boobs and butt. Accentuate your positive parts. Hide your fat parts.

Be free of facial hair. Have clean teeth. Have straight teeth. Have teeth.

Smell good.

Stay away from Deal Breaker behavior.

Don't talk about how you cheated on every boyfriend you've ever had.
Don't be really, really dumb. Read a book. Go to a museum. Have an interesting thought. Stop talking about astrology and energy-fields and girl-crap like that. YOU may love that stuff, but that's the same thing as if the guy talks to you about the pros and cons of laying down a sacrifice bunt in the 7th inning of a tie-game when the batter has a .512 slugging percentage. Right. You don't give a sh!t.

Don't be really really annoying. Stop complaining about everything. Be happy. Be grateful for what you have.

So put on a cute outfit! Do your hair! Do your make-up! Do some sit-ups! Head out to the Humor section of the Bookstore! Find a cute guy! Tell him you are buying a gift for your brother and you need a guy's recommendation! Keep the conversation going by asking him questions about himself! Tell him you're thirsty! Let him buy you a beverage! Talk some more! Tell him you have to go but it would be nice to talk again some time. Pause to let him figure out that he should ask for your phone number. (NEVER ask for his!) If he likes you, he'll ask. Unless he's too dumb to get the hint. In which case you should... deep-throat a banana!

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