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Dear Hog,

You make me laugh and I appreciate the serious side of your responses.

What do you think of online dating?

I have friends and hobbies, and get out. Some of my friends do the online thing. They have not met anyone that they want to be involved with, but they are hopeful, and it seems like there are success stories...

At this point I'm wondering if I am just not with the program and should consider this down the road.

Thank you,

- M in Bay City

Hog's Relationship Advice:

Online dating is a perfectly fine option. But remember, it's just like any other situation. You will have sincere folks, lying bastards, freaks, weirdos, awesome people and the criminally insane.

NOTE: And people like me who are sincere weird bastards and criminally awesome! :)

I have friends who have had great success using online dating sites. Some met their goal of finding that special someone (and got married!), some met their goal of finding a Tuesday booty call, and some met their goal of going on a date so horrifying that they swore me to NEVER tell the story of the girl who wore a diaper.

So tempting! Must. Not. Tell. Diaper story. Aaaaah!!

So people have different motives. Your job is to figure out what you want. And then find someone who is looking for the same thing.

It can be very time-consuming. For girls, putting your photo on an online dating site is like going to a dance club in your sexiest outfit, waving your arms in the air and shouting, "I'm single! Who wants to meet me?!"

If you did this in the club, men would charge at you like red-eyed bulls. Handsome men. Fat men. Men on crutches. Fighter pilots parachuting down into the club. Women wearing short hair and construction boots...

So you will have to filter.
How to filter:

Skip every guy who sends you something generic. If they don't mention something SPECIFIC about you then NEXT! Those guys are playing the numbers. They figure if they quickly send out 100 generic emails, then they'll get at least 1 or 2 to write back. And they will. Just not you. :)

Skip every guy who isn't wearing a shirt in his profile picture. Yes, he has a great body. But when a GUY has to show-off in such a way, he is VERY insecure or he has nothing else going on. It's not terrible if some of his pics show off his body, but not the 1st one. Same goes for guys posing next to expensive cars, Playboy playmates, or fanning themselves with $100 bills.

Once you filter, now you start the process of the pre-screening interview, er, conversation.

Usually, it climbs the ladder... email to instant messaging to phone call to date. This takes forever! To save time, I suggest you exchange 3 emails. He has 3 emails to show you that he is interesting and not a weirdo. Then give him your phone number. If he can have a successful 20 minute conversation, then graduate him to a date. How?

YOU: So it's been nice getting to know you, I gotta run now. But maybe we can get together some time.
DUDE: Uh, yeah. Uh. OK.
YOU: <COUGH>Ask me out. <COUGH!>

HA HA HA!

OK, for real:

YOU: Well, if you'd like to get together some time, just let me know!
DUDE: Oh, wow. Really?! I mean, sure, that's cool. Uh, how about tonight?
YOU: Excuse me?
DUDE: I mean, what are you doing Friday night?

I haven't done the "official" online dating thing myself, BUT I have gone on dates from girls I met on "social networking" sites. To me, it was just like anything else. The one thing is you don't get a great sense of what the girl really looks like. One rule I made: I will NEVER go on a date unless I see a good picture of her face AND body. It's just that, for me, I have certain tastes and I don't want to waste her time or mine. It's better to be honest than to pretend there is attraction when there isn't.

I've had some good experiences from dating online but I still think it's too slow. It's faster to meet people face-to-face. But if you're too shy to do this, then online dating is a good option. Especially if you're looking for a very specific type. Then it's actually faster. For instance, if you only want to date people who are Jewish. Or people who are world-class snowboarders. Or Jewish world-class snowboarders.

NOTE: That would be a very small web site! Us Jewish people don't snowboard. We are more famous for being kick-@ss beach volleyball players. Hey, you learn a thing or two when God throws you into the desert for 40 years.

Set up your profile. It's a marketing tool because in our society, dating is marketing. Everyone is trying to get a good value. People are attracted to other people who they feel are "more valuable" than they are. Sounds screwed up? Well it is! Join the party!

So you want to show value. Some things that show value:
Attractive face/body/fashion.
Humor.
Interestingness.
Knowledge.
Money.
Loyalty.
Confidence.
Artistic ability.
Strength. (Physical, mental, emotional.)
Ethics.
Power.
Fame.
Ability to attract mates.
Popularity.
Honesty/Trustworthiness.
Lots of body hair.

All right, that last one was wishful thinking. HA HA HA!

Different people rank these things in different orders. For instance, you probably know a girl who gets weak in the knees for musicians.

NOTE: And by knees, I mean hoo-ha.

NOTE: And by hoo-ha, I mean, yeah, you know, the va-ha-ha-HOOOOO!

This musician-guy might be broke and have no friends. But he's talented and hot. Another girl will look at that dude and be like, "Eeew! He needs a haircut, new clothes, and a JOB!"

Figure out which values you have... then demonstrate these on your profile. With tact! You can't write in your bio:

"I am a sexy woman with a super hot body who can have any guy she wants. But I'm tired of dating CEOs and Television Game Show hosts. So I want to give you losers a shot. I am the President of a Fortune 500 Company but this year I plan to take 6 months to live in Africa to save starving babies by personally... breast-feeding all of them. In my spare time I enjoy painting. You can see my work on my web site or in the Museum of Modern Art in New York City."

Be more subtle.

For girls, the most important thing is your picture. The 2nd most important thing would be your picture. But after that what REALLY counts... is your picture.

Hey, you don't come to me for bullcrap. I'm telling you how guys think. Attractive picture is step 1. You DON'T have to be super hot. Just be attractive. And this is subjective. Pick a good picture! Don't ask your girlfriends which picture they think is good. They don't know. They're girls. Ask GUYS.

Put your picture no matter what.
DO NOT use:
- a cute baby picture
- a picture of your cat
- a picture of you and 3 friends

Guys don't want to date your baby pictures or your cat or your friends.

NOTE: Uh, actually some guys DO want to date your friends. Or your cat. Or your baby picture! Be careful!

Using anything besides a CLEAR photo of just YOU sends off a loud Red Alert to every guy looking at your profile: "WAAAAARNING! This girl is NOT attractive! What is she trying to hide?! Is she cross-eyed with a buck-tooth and a clown nose? Is she a Walnoceros?"

NOTE: A walnoceros is a mythical creature that exists only in HogWildLand. It's a cross between a Walrus & a Rhinoceros. It is generally accepted as the ugliest creature outside of people who regularly take the bus in Cleveland.

How to get lots of morons to write to you:
Show cleavage!

Otherwise, show your pretty face! Get a good angle. If you're super-duper overweight, you should join... a gym. Or a dating site where guys are looking for super-duper overweight women!

People are attracted to HEALTHY mates. Some guys are into girls who are bigger or chunky. But not dangerously obese. It just makes sense. Why would a guy want to invest all his time into loving and caring for a girl who is on a mission to die early?

It works the other way, too. Most girls aren't attracted to super unhealthy guys. That's why, guys, you shouldn't list your hobbies as... blacking out in the bar, intravenous drug use under the bridge, and traveling... to meet prostitutes in Thailand.

So yes, online dating is a fine option. Or bring online dating into the real world! Go to the club wearing a picture of your cat over your face! Go up to random people, "Hi! I'm FEMALE! I'm looking to meet MEN for DATING and RELATIONSHIPS! I like TRAVELING and COOKING! My favorite band is RADIOHEAD! I like THE SIMPSONS!"

Then sit down as 175 guys line up to talk to you.

Give each guy 10 seconds to impress you:
GUY: Hey, I like The Simpsons, too! And...
YOU: NEXT!
NERDY GUY: I don't know you, but I wrote you a poem based on your profile interests, your astrological sign, and my loneliness...
YOU: NEXT! NEXT! NEXT!
HOT GUY WITH NO SHIRT ON: Uh. Ooga booga.
YOU: There's something I like about you... Let's go somewhere more private...

HA HA HA!
 

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