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Hey Hog,

There is this girl who came to my chemistry class and we had an instant connection. I've never felt that way before. We have been going out for two months already. She told me she has special feelings for me. One day we went to the movies and I held her hand and gave her a kiss and she responded. She didn't pull away.

But the problem is that she has a boyfriend and that son of a gun lives almost half -way across the country. And that's why we didn't go out more seriously. She told me she likes to do things the right way or no not doing them at all.

We see each other almost every day, and even if we don't have class together, I go to her other classes she comes to my classes. We phone each other and do all the stuff that "almost" couples do.

What's going on? It's been a month like this already and I haven't heard that she has dumped her so-called boyfriend.

Please help me to find out what's going on. By the way I love your sense of humor! It makes me burst out laughing.

- A in Norwalk City, California

Hog's Relationship Advice:

Are you saying you found chemistry with a girl in chemistry class? Aaaawwww! That's so CUTE! Aaawwww!

You're saying this girl lights your fire. She ignites your Bunsen Burner. HA HA HA!

OK, I'm sorry. I'll stop.

So basically this a great girl and you two are so compatible that you'd like to form a covalent bond. Yes! Another nerdy chemistry joke! OK, I'm done.

So you really like this girl. So much that when you're around her you won't fart -- you hold in your Noble Gases! HA HA HA!

OK, sorry. Really, I'm done now.

Really.

Mostly.

So this girl is doing what dudes usually do. She's trying to balance both situations: Get that lovin' feeling from you AND the other guy.

Like it or not, you're involved in an Emotional Threesome.

NOTE: That is not the good kind of threesome.

It could be that her long-distance boyfriend fulfills her emotional needs while you are satisfying her immediate physical needs of being close to someone.

Your dilemma is that you like this girl but you don't like that she has a boyfriend.

NOTE: In my ASB classes I teach you why it is great when a girl has a boyfriend but she still likes you.

NOTE: ASB = Advanced Scum Bag.

You need to show her that you have more value than her boyfriend. That she should break away from him and form a molecule with your valence electrons. You want her to tell her boyfriend that she has "found somebody else."

HINT: You!

You need to show her that being with you will provide her more pleasure than being with him. And by pleasure I don't just mean the physical kissy-kissy shloppy-shloppy exothermic reaction type of pleasure... everything. Listening to her. Making her feel good as a person. Making her feel like she can grow with you. So she feels good showing you off to her friends.

See girls are similar to guys in that sense. A guy wants to be able to show off his girl. "Hey everybody, look at my pretty girlfriend! Isn't she hot?! Now hands off!"

Girls do the same, "Hey everyone! Look at my handsome boyfriend! He's successful, he's funny, and he takes care of sick kittens! Keep your hands off, b!tches!"

See right now you two are a plasma. You want to change your state to being more solid.

NOTE TO SELF: I am a huge dork.

Once you show her that you are THE MAN, you are in a position to show her that there will be pain if she continues to talk to her old boyfriend. (And at this point, why would she need to? She has everything she needs in you.) So you will take-away all the pleasure you give her if she continues to talk to him. In other words, she can't be with you if she is also emotionally attached to another guy. This will leave her old boyfriend alone -- he will be a VERY salty ion.

As with any decision, you have 3 choices and ONLY 3 choices:
1 - Accept it.
2 - Change it.
3 - Leave it.

You can accept that she has this dude somewhere else and be content that you have her now.
Or
You can work to change the situation. (This sounds like what you'd like to do.)
Or
You can leave her.

I'll tell you what you shouldn't do. DON'T ask her about the situation. DON'T ask, "So what's going on with us?"

I'm all about communication but I'm about SMART communication.

EXAMPLES OF DUMB COMMUNICATION:

In the classroom: "Hey teacher! Can you explain the problem again? I don't get it because all year I've been copying the homework off Gary and drawing pictures of you naked."

In the kitchen: " I hope you like dinner tonight. It took me 3 HOURS to scrape it all off the floor. "

In the bedroom: "You feel soooo good! Hey sweetheart, would it be OK if I put my thing-a-doodle in your wig-wam? Uh, please? Let's discuss the pros and cons... of my uh, thing-a-wackie in your jelly-quackie."

The best way to kill a relationship is to constantly discuss the STATUS of the relationship. Plus, what a person says is only what they want you to hear. What a person DOES is the real deal. So take note of her ACTIONS. You can tell if a girl is really into you. You can feel when she's pulling away.

SIGNS A GIRL IS PULLING AWAY FROM YOU EMOTIONALLY

1 - While kissing, she leaves her eyes open. So she can see her phone. And send text messages.

2 - When you ask her about her day she doesn't say much. She just grunts, cracks open a beer and mumbles something about wanting to try out lesbianism.

3 - On your birthday, she gives you a birthday cake with some other guy's name on it. She explains that one was cheaper at the bakery.

As the man, asking about the status of the relationship lowers your position. It makes you look weak. As the man you must be strong. A woman needs to be able to respect her man. If you don't have her respect then you have nothing and she will leave you.

And if you've been going out for two months, she should let you touch her isotopes!

It sounds like you are a "nice" guy. Nice guys don't get the girl. See, Bad Boys are like chocolate for girls. Nice guys are like vegetables for girls. Girls know Nice Guys are good for them, but they're boring. Bad Boys are tempting. Therefore I promote being the best of both worlds, a Chocolate-covered vegetable.

That sounds gross. But it makes sense. What if you gave a girl the excitement she craves by being a bit of a bad ass but at the same time she knows you are good for her because you have a big heart?

Examples on How to be a Bad-ass Nice Guy:

TEASE her (in a playful way!)
NEVER kiss her ass
YOU make the decisions (with her best interests in mind)
YOU take responsibility
YOU take the lead
DON'T give-in when she whines like a baby
DO take care of her emotional needs
DO take care of her physical needs
DON'T tip-toe around her. If you don't like her outfit, tell her.
DO compliment her when she deserves it.
DON'T ask for approval for anything.
DO steal from her purse.
YES, I'm just kidding!

Now go out and show this chemistry chick what you've got! Soon she'll break up with that guy. But watch out! Because that angry dude might hunt you down and try to smash your atoms!

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