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Or read my dating advice about how to love below... Hi Hog, My girlfriend told me she loved me. But I'm unsure how I feel. I don't want to say it unless I really mean it. How do you know if you really love someone? What is love? There are some things in her personality that I don't really like. Overall she is a great girl but there a few things that concern me. We've been together about 4 months. Is this around the time when you are supposed to "fall in love?" I guess I want to know how to love someone. - George R. in Boston
Falling in love is a crock of sh!t. That's how strongly I feel about it. I said Crock. I'm not sure what a crock is exactly. But I know a crock full of crap when I smell it. There is no such thing as "falling in love." It's a romantic myth perpetuated by Hollywood and perfume companies and Fabio.
The proper term is "infatuation." Infatuation is when you feel like you want to be with this person all the time. You can't get enough of them. It's like they are a drug and you are addicted. It's a wonderful feeling of excitement and nervous energy and it inspires you to do crazy things like buy gifts and give foot rubs and hold in your farts around them. But this is not love. Because it's easy to do these things when you are infatuated. But here is the difference between infatuation and love. Infatuation was not your choice. And infatuation ends. Love is something you CHOOSE TO DO. And it never ends. Unless you DECIDE to stop loving. Ask any married couple, "What is Love?" In the beginning there was that infatuated feeling. The butterflies in the stomach. The sweaty palms. Just seeing your lover makes your heart flutter and pupils dilate and your nipples hard like little pebbles. But OVER TIME this feeling fades. THINGS THAT FADE OVER TIME See, the NEWness wears off. Now what? Now is when you have a choice: bail out because you don't "love" the other person any more. Or DECIDE to love them. If you bail out and you have a pattern of this -- then you do not love people. You love the FEELING of infatuation. You are a drug addict. You can love ANYONE. It's your choice. But you have standards, so you decide some people are not worthy of your love. That's fine because love is hard work. Incredibly rewarding work, but it's work. Because love is NOT what you say. Talk is like bootleg hand bags in Chinatown -- cheap crap. What is Love? Love is what you DO. Anyone can say, "I love you." But do their actions back it up? Does this person listen to you when you need to express yourself? Is this person there for you when you need them? Does this person help you? Do thoughtful things for you? Teach you? Support you? Do that freaky thing in bed that you like? THIS is how to love. WAYS A GUY SHOWS HE LOVES A WOMAN WAYS A GIRL SHOWS A GUY SHE LOVES HIM You said, "There are some things in her personality that I don't really like. Overall she is a great girl but there a few things that concern me." Well this is what is stopping you from loving her. When you love someone you are making a COMMITMENT to help them. For instance, you COULD decide to love someone with a serious drinking problem. But then you are committing your time and energy to live with a person with a very difficult issue. Everyone has different standards. Personally, I wouldn't want that responsibility because I want a woman who is generally happy with her life. I want a woman who is a POSITIVE influence on me. But that's not to say she is unloveable. It's just that I personally choose to not love her in a relationship type-of-way. If she was my girlfriend BEFORE she had a drinking problem and I committed to loving her, I would help her through it. Because that's what love is about. If there are things that concern you, you'd best pay attention to them. Be VERY CAREFUL about the people you let get close to you. Your girlfriend/wife is someone who has influence over you EVERY DAY whether you realize it or not. Her attitude, her energy, her values... choosing the WRONG girl will KILL you. She will drag you down and DESTROY you. She will make you pray for death. Ask Paul McCartney how he feels about Heather Mills. The RIGHT girl will lift you. Inspire you to greater heights than you ever imagined. She makes you want to be a better man. To address the other issue: "I don't want to say it unless I really mean it. How do you know if you really love someone?" First of all, good for you for taking it seriously. Too many people let the words leave their lips without knowing what the hell they are saying. If you do decide to tell her, she will know it's for real. She told you she loves you. It must have been awkward to not say it back. HER: Sweetheart, I've been wanting to say this for a long time. I... I love you. But you are being honest. You know what I do when a girl tells me she loves me? I ignore her. I've heard all sorts of bullsh!t. I've even SEEN all sorts of bullsh!t. Crying, tears, cuddling, blah blah blah. The TRUTH is what she DOES. I KNOW a girl loves me when she takes ACTION. Maybe she does things she wouldn't ordinarily do but she does it for me out of love. That is how to love. What does this girl DO for you? When you're sick, does she take of you? Does she cook for you? Does she encourage you in your career? Does she do that freaky thing in bed that you like? How do you know if you really love someone? You love a person when you decide to love them. That is how to find love. The only person on Earth you AUTOMATICALLY love is your mother. Even if you hate your mother, you love her. You can't help it. She's your mom. Even if you never knew your mom, you love her. It's human nature. Everyone else, it's your choice. If you decide to love this girl, you will do things for her. All the things I already mentioned and more. Her happiness will be super important to you. Her happiness will make you happy. Her sadness will make you sad. You will feel very protective of her. You will feel like you want her to be the mother of your children. You'll hold her purse in her mall. You'll be buying her tampons. You'll be listening to light rock in the car. You'll let her win every argument. You'll shave her name into your balls. You will WANT to love her every day. Remember love is a choice you make each day. If you cheat on her, you did not love her that day. You hurt her. And when you love someone you never want to hurt them. Well, maybe a little bit. But only if that's the freaky thing SHE likes in bed!
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