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Hi Hog,

There is this really cute, very much my type, one of a kind guy, who flirts with me all the time at work. He tells me he loves me and when he is drunk and kisses me on the neck at work social events and happy hours. I only kissed him one time.

He recently told me he has a pregnant girlfriend whom he lives with and says he does not want to marry her. I was shocked and did not want anything to do with him. I told him he should marry her.

But he continued to pursue me and not let me walk away. Half the time he says he does not care about her and they argue a lot. I met the girlfriend once. I have to admit they seem like an awkward match and she seems stern and conniving (I am not being biased here at all.) My first thought when I saw them together was that they looked unequally matched.

He continues to say that he wants to be with me and says he wants me to eventually be his girlfriend and that he wants to take trips with me.

I ask myself why is this guy torturing me and drawing me into his drama? He is still living with this girl and she is having his baby. I am a nice girl, I mind my own business, I do not cause trouble. He knows that I like him.

So he keeps laying it on me so thick and then pulling it back. Am I his stomping board? He infers he will call, and we will go out, he never does, etc.

I would only go out with him if he were single and preferably out of the house. We have done nothing but kiss one time. Am I doing something wrong, as in leading him on? If he were single, he would be exactly my type of guy, so it's hard to ignore his continuous advances.

- T in Maryland

Hog's Relationship Advice:

You want to rebel! You are a "good" girl looking for her "bad" boy. And you found him!

Nice guys always think they can get the good girl. But not if they don't have a little bad boy streak in them. That's why I have perfected the art of being a semi-Bad Boy.

On a first date, I'll bring a girl flowers. But not a dozen roses. Only 11. I'll let her WONDER what happened to the other one. Yeah, I'm a playa!

If things go well, I'll give you a massage. But after spending 45 minutes on your right foot, I won't even do your left! I'll leave you all unbalanced and sh!t. Yeah! What?!

And if we make la-la that night, I will make you breakfast-in-bed. But did you say you don't like onions in your omelette? Oopsie! I must have forgotten! I'm a bad-ass, baby! Deal with it!!!

HA HA HA!

OK, back to you:

Why is this guy "torturing" you and drawing you into his drama? Because you want him to! Deep down, you do. You do, you do, you do! Admit it!

Not to me, to yourself.

You love it!

You may insist, "No I don't! I hate it!"

But if you did hate it, you would put him on ignore-status. Roll your eyes. Make a decision to move on. But you have not.

You say, IF he were single he would be exactly your type of guy. But he's not single. TIMING is so crucial in dating and relationships. (And in life, too!)

At this time, he lives with another woman. He lives with another woman who is carrying his baby! In her v@gina! In her... v@gina! And that's not an easy place to carry things!

Let's suppose he is the greatest guy on earth and you simply must be with him... then you must be willing to ACCEPT the fact that he will ALWAYS have this other woman in his life. And he will ALWAYS have a child with another woman. That's fine. But you have to be willing. Are you?

Him giving you a taste and then pulling away? This is classic seduction. :) He may or may not be doing it consciously. But that stuff works! Even when you KNOW the other person is doing it! We all want what we can't have, ESPECIALLY when we get a little taste of how good it could be.

My feeling is that you can find your "bad boy" fix elsewhere. Less boy and more man. But I can't and won't make that decision for you. It's yours to make. Be a grown-up. Make smart decisions for yourself.

Example:

Smart decision: Saving 10% of your earnings.
Not-so-smart decision: Investing those earnings in microwavable corn dogs.
Super-not-so-smart-decision: Eating the entire box at once.

The lesson: All men are corn dogs.

NOTE: I'm not sure what that all means but it sounds like it could be kinda profound so I'm going with it!

I will say this, whether his current lady-friend/forever-baby-mama is a good fit for him is totally irrelevant. You cannot predict whether he will actually break-up with her. Most people aren't with partners who "make sense." They are with partners who satisfy an emotional need created in childhood. Then they re-enact childhood issues.

Are you attempting to do this with him?

Did you suffer some rejection as a child giving you a need to "prove" yourself to a man? I dunno. I only know what you wrote in your email! :)

Your job is to figure out 1 thing: What is the Square Root of Pi?

HA HA HA! Just kidding. You need to figure out: Is this dude good for you as a boyfriend?

You don't seem like the "fling" type. So figure out if he is really boyfriend-material. Boyfriend-material means he must be more than "fun" and more than "exciting" and more than attractive.

1 - He must share your values.
2 - He must be good for your inner child.
3 - He must be able to make you feel good on a daily basis.
4 - He must bathe.

If you do not share the same values, you will be fighting all the time, you will be disappointed in him, and you will lose respect for him. So you will be doomed. People's values can change, but very slowly, if at all.

If your #1 Value is Family and his #1 is Career... can you see where there will be a conflict? You will cry when he is at work all day and "neglecting" you. But he will feel like he is working FOR you to take care of you.

If one of your top values is religion and he never goes to Church, he just might start resenting the fact that you make him wake up early every Sunday.

Opposites attract and that's cool. You want a partner who fills out your weaknesses with his strengths and vice versa. But you can't be TOO different. Your values define you as a person. If you are a creative person you don't necessarily have to be with another creative person, but that person must UNDERSTAND and VALUE creativity!

SIGNS YOU ARE TOO SIMILAR
* You are both ditzy, fun-loving, irresponsible air-heads.
* You both share a 3rd grade reading level.
* You have everything in common. Including your DNA. Yeee-haw!

SIGNS YOU ARE TOO DIFFERENT
* You love sunsets. He loves hookers.
* You love poetry. He loves hookers.
* You love dancing. He loves dancing... with hookers. Under a sunset while reciting a haiku.

The next step is to have a conversation with Little You. Imagine yourself at 6 years old. Or 7 or 8. Remember how you looked. How you spoke. How you dressed. Everything. Now ask Little You how she feels about this guy.

Let it flow out. You may want to write it out. Or do it in your head. Or talk out loud. Whatever works for you. But REALLY be 6 years old. Talk like you did at age 6. Little You will tell you exactly how she feels about him. She likes him or she doesn't. She is scared of him? Why? She wants to impress him? Why? You are Grown-up You and you're speaking to Little You to make sure she likes this guy as much as you do.

The right man will satisfy both the needs of Grown up You and Little You.

Finally, the right dude will be somebody you get along with. Sounds simple, huh? But most people (including me in the past) think, "All couples fight, it's normal."

Well, why would you want to be as unhappy as everyone else?

Yes, disagreements are to be expected but constant bickering and arguing is NOT acceptable. You should get along as friends do.

If it advances to the next level, you will be with this person EVERY DAMN DAY of your life! Do you want to spend every day of your life with someone you really enjoy? Or do you want to waste every day yelling?

You know, maybe some people should settle. Let them. Let them be lazy in the short run and pay for it in the long run. But I don't want any of MY Hogs and Hoggettes out there to settle. Sure, it may take longer to find the right partner, but it will be worth it.

Choose the wrong partner and you will PAY for it. Big time. You will be miserable. Choose the RIGHT partner and they will UPLIFT you! INSPIRE you! Make you laugh! Make you want to become a better person!

You deserve that. Now go get that semi-bad boy with the faux-leather jacket and 3 o'clock shadow!

 

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