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Hello Hog!

I have been reading your answers and they are very "hi-larry-ass." I have a problem and I was wondering if you could help. I am a 15 year old girl, never had a boyfriend, and I am very boy-shy -- especially when I am near a guy who I think is cute. (Which is pretty much every other guy.) Can you help in any way?

- J in KS

Hog's Relationship Advice:

You may be 15, but lots of people (guys and girls) share your same problemo.

Let me tell you a famous phrase that applies to your situation: "The squeaky wheel gets the grease."

It means that you need to speak up if you want attention!

And here's a phrase that I made up: "Ask and ye shall receive."

NOTE: OK, fine. I didn't make that up. Jesus said that. Or one of his friends did. What? Do I look like a Jesus-expert?! I'm Jewish for Christ's sake!

NOTE TO JESUS: Jesus, you're way cool in my book. You're one of my favorite Jews after Moses and Don Francisco, host of Sabado Gigante.

NOTE: Yes! Don Francisco AKA MarioKreutzberger IS Jewish! Thank you to HogWild fan Claudia in Juarez for that awesome kosher tidbit!

OK, back to your problemo... The point is you need to speak up!

You are going to stop being shy. Because you DESERVE to find a cool boyfriend just as much as those loud obnoxious girls. You don't have to be loud and obnoxious but you MUST put yourself out there. And that takes...

CONFIDENCE.

Confidence, my friend, is the key to life. I cannot emphasize this enough. Hmm, how can I emphasize this more?

CONFIDENCE!!!

Right now you don't have confidence. You have Nonfidence.

NOTE TO ENGLISH SPEAKERS: Yes, I made up that word. Yes, I know there is a perfectly good antonym to confidence called diffidence. But that word sucks. Therefore, thusly and here-to-after I'm going with the HogWild word, "Nonfidence." Thank you.

Seriously, you DESERVE to be happy. You MUST BELIEVE that. If you don't, then you have to work on that first.

That's called self-esteem.

How do you gain confidence?

Two easy ways:

1 - Act the part!
How would you act if you WERE confident? How would you stand? How would you hold your head? How would you walk? What clothes would you wear? How would you speak?

Now do it! Yes, it will be weird and different at first! Duh! That's the point! You will notice IMMEDIATELY that people will look at you differently -- in a good way!

Maybe some people will wonder why you are acting in this new way... But do you care what other people think? NO! Confident people don't give a rat's butt in heck what mofo's think about them!

By simply acting confident you will start to FEEL confident. If you act the part long enough you will become the part.

Maybe you know a girl who is very confident. Think, "What would she do in this situation?" Then act like she would act.

NOTE: But keep true to yourself. If that confident-girl would also lift up her skirt and jump on his face... don't do that. Keep it sexy. Not slutty.

NOTE TO LEGAL-AGE WOMEN: OK, keep it a little bit slutty. But just for me. HA HA HA! :)

2 - Remind yourself of times when you were awesome.

You are what you think about. Think about all the GREAT things you have done and all the great things you WILL do.

Don't think about the bad stuff. Sure, bad stuff happens. Figure out what went wrong, then MOVE ON! Move on to the solution and back to focusing on everything that is great about you.

NOTE TO PARTY-POOPERS: If you think nothing is great in your life then you are a self-centered selfish brat. Be grateful! Your life could be MUCH worse. Don't believe me? Visit a hospital full of sick children who can't walk and who won't make it to their next birthday. Or visit a country where people have bones sticking out of their necks because they are starving. Or next summer work as a podiatrist in Iran... for camels.

Remember how you felt when you did something really great? Maybe you aced a test. Or beat a video game. Or made somebody laugh. Or helped a person in need. Or ate 62 chicken wings at an all-you-can-eat buffet... Ahem. Yes, I did that. :)

Now take that feeling and apply it to this new situation of meeting boys.

What's stopping you from taking action?

This not only has to do with talking to dudes, but to EVERYTHING: People procrastinate or act shy or whatever when they are UNSURE whether the experience will bring pleasure or pain.

YOU: "Hmm, should I talk to this cute boy? On the one hand, he may like me and then I will be happy and do backflips! On the other hand, he may reject me and I will feel humiliated and ashamed and embarrassed and like a poopy-head."

NOTE TO SELF: HA HA HA! Poopy-head.

Anyway, I'm a doofus. But besides that, the negative outcomes you are imagining are way out of proportion. There is NO reason to feel bad if someone doesn't like-like you.

They are NOT rejecting you. It is simply that, at this moment in time, they do not feel compatible with you. Not a big deal.

There are plenty of people who like-like you (most of whom are too shy to ever tell you!) that you will not feel the same way about. It doesn't mean that those people aren't cool. It's just that you two don't fit together. Not a big deal. Not everyone fits together. That's the whole point. That's why when you find the RIGHT person it feels SPECIAL.

So every time you discover you are not compatible with a boy just think, "Shwew! It's good to know that! Now I can MOVE ON and find the right person for ME."

I have friends who have spent YEARS secretly having a crush on someone and NEVER said anything. For YEARS they held this inside and you know what it did?

1 - It made them nuts-o because they never found out if they were compatible with their crush.

2 - They imagined they would be with their crush so they didn't meet new people -- and they missed out on finding that special someone.

Don't WASTE years of your life! Take action! Do it!

Here is what will put you into action: It is MORE painful NOT to act than to act. If you take action and you find you are not a fit, that's GOOD! Next!

If you take action and you find you ARE a good fit together, SWEET!

If you take NO action you will always regret it. Because you will never know. And that sucks.

The other issue here is that you say, "...especially when I am near a guy who I think is cute. (Which is pretty much every other guy.)"

In medical terms, you are "boy crazy." This is a totally normal phase of your life and this stage will pass in about 42 years.

I will say this... Just remember that for a guy to be your boyfriend he must be more than just good-looking. Have standards! Make sure he treats you right. That he takes care of you. That he has a great F.E.P. (Future Earning Potential.)

The next step is to learn how to flirt.

That's an entirely different subject but here are some quick HogWild Do's and Don'ts of Flirting for Girls:

DO smile when you see him.
DON'T scream "Oh my God, it's Tommy the Love of my Life! Aaaaaah!!"

NOTE: Especially if his name is Joey.

DO touch him gently on the forearm when you talk to him.
DON'T touch him on the butt. Only other guys are allowed to do that. And only after he hits a home run. Yes. Guys are weird.

DO compliment him on something good he has done.
DON'T compliment him on his tight buns.

DO laugh at his jokes.
DON'T laugh at his jokes if his jokes are making fun of handicapped puppies.

DO start conversations with him about his favorite topics.
DON'T start conversations about YOUR favorite topics if your favorite topics are make-up and handbags.

NOTE: If he gets really excited about those topics you may want to consider liking a boy who, when he goes to football games, whistles at the cheerleaders instead of the big men in tight pants!

 

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