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Hey Hog,

My boyfriend went to overseas to study. When he was leaving, we never promised that we would wait for each other, we (I) just assumed we would. The problem is he does not call me anymore and when he does communicate (by e-mail) it is usually a few lines of bitching about how his life sucks and never a word about me or us.

When I ask why he never calls, he says that it's because he doesn't know what to say. Advise on the next step.

- D in Uganda

Hog's Relationship Advice:

Your boyfriend is unhappy. Duh. Sometimes when people are unhappy they take it out on the people closest to them. This is a great way to drive these valuable people away.

Lots of people do this and it is dumb. It's like if you're starving to death and all you have to eat is an apple. Then you say, "I'm hungry you stupid apple!" Then you throw the apple into a volcano.

This is how he rewards your loyalty and friendship? By venting his anger and frustration at you? Not cool.

Give it back to him! Next time he gives you a massage, say "Thanks!" Then spit in his face and kick him in the balls. Because that's what he's doing to you! Except that, uh, you don't have balls. Your emotional balls. He's kicking you in your big hairy emotional balls.

NOTE TO SELF: Ugh! That was gross!

He might not even realize he is doing this. That's why you have to tell him.

He is withdrawing. He could be withdrawing from everyone because he is depressed. Or he could be purposely pushing you away because he found someone else and doesn't have the courage to tell you.

You can ask him if he has a new girl. Be gentle and non-judgmental. You can say, "Listen, I feel like you are pulling away from me. Maybe you found a girl you like?"

"I understand. We're far apart. I don't want to stand in the way of you being happy. So if you found a new girl, just let me know. Because I don't want to be waiting for you for no reason. And if you have a new girlfriend, that doesn't mean we can't get back together someday."

Okay, that last line might be a little bullsh!t but you need to say that to encourage him to tell the truth. Because guys get greedy and he may want to keep his girlfriend at school AND you. So you're leaving the possibility open in his mind.

You would think that if a guy was apart from his girlfriend in a strange country he would get homesick and want to talk to her MORE, not less.

Call him out on his behavior.

It's better if you can get him on the phone but if you must, email/IM him. Something compassionate. Like this:

"What the hell is wrong with you! You are a douche-bag motherfarting loser! Get your sh!t together or you can find a new girl to lick your smelly camel sack!"

Just kidding.

More like this:

"I care about you. I want to be with you. But I will leave you if you aren't going to put forth the effort to communicate. I am sorry you are feeling sad right now. I will help you as best I can. But I won't let you direct your frustration with your situation at ME. That's not fair.  I deserve to be treated better than that. Decide if you really want to be with me or I will make the decision for you."

A little harsh, yes. But you need him to snap out of this ugly funk he's stuck in.

You might want to think about if YOU really want to be in this relationship. How long will you be apart?

I believe you can love someone while being apart and still care for them. But a FULL relationship requires presence. A couple must touch. And kiss. And share EXPERIENCES together.

NOTE TO GUYS: "Experiences" are cool/fun MEMORABLE things you do together . Level 1 Experience: Went to the movies together. Level 3 Experience: Went to the amusement park and laughed the whole day together. Level 12 Experience: Spent a weekend in front of the fireplace at a romantic Bed & Breakfast giving her 45 consecutive orgasms breaking only once a day for gourmet oysters.

I can understand waiting for a partner if the separation is temporary. It's like pressing pause on the relationship. When you get back together in the same location you will resume having a full relationship. This happens a lot when a man leaves for the military. But you'd better be damned sure you are waiting for the right man!

Otherwise you are wasting your most precious possession. Your time.

MOST VALUABLE THINGS YOU HAVE AS A HUMAN
- Your love
- Your time
- That thing you do with your tongue

Your boyfriend is being totally self-centered. And that's exactly the reason he is unhappy. He needs to be giving. He doesn't know what to say on the phone? How about: "Hi pretty-girlfriend-who-is-faithful, how was YOUR day? How are YOU feeling?"

It sounds like he is very negative at this point in his life. The people you surround yourself with are extremely important. If the people close to you are negative, they will suck all of your positive energy out of you. They will stomp the gleam in your eye and smack the smile off your face.

Just because there's a chair, it doesn't mean it's a good place to sit. I'd rather stand then sit on a chair full of sharp rusty nails. Negative people are like sharp-rusty-nail-chairs.

Avoid these types of people at all costs!!!

NOTE TO SELF: You're comparing negative people to chairs? You suck at analogies! Your analogies are like, uh, something that sucks! ...DAMMIT!

A person must be READY to be in a relationship.

As humans we easily understand physical stuff that we can see but we generally stink at understanding emotional stuff that we can only feel.

A person must be EMOTIONALLY ready to be in a relationship. You wouldn't put a condom on a limp jammy because this guy is not READY for sex yet.

Your boyfriend has an EMOTIONALLY limp jammy. He's not ready. Stroke his ego until he moans, "Oh yeah. That's it. Ooooh. Now I'm ready to commit the hell out of you! Suck my commitment, baby!"

NOTE TO SELF: That was both stupid AND creepy. Way to go.

Your boyfriend is not ready. You must be happy with yourself before you can contribute to another person's life. I'm not saying your boyfriend is a bad person, just that at this time he may not be ready to lead you and serve you as a man.

So you can either wait for him or find a new man who comes already-assembled for the job. A man who is ready to gently rub your big hairy emotional balls.

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