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Hi Hog,

I am in the messiest heartbreaking situation ever and would like your insight.

I had been dating my boyfriend for 4 months and we moved-in with each other. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant.

Others were telling us to give up the baby for adoption but my boyfriend was really happy and supportive and saying we would stay together forever so we should keep her.

We continued to live together during the pregnancy and things were going great. 

After the baby was born I started to have weird feelings, others say it was post-partum depression. I was annoyed by my boyfriend and I didn't even enjoy being with my parents.

So I made the decision to move out and live with an old friend of mine. This old friend was my ex-boyfriend's sister. Meanwhile my boyfriend was sad staying at our apartment alone.

My ex-boyfriend heard I was staying with his sister and decided to come along at the right timing... needless to say he took my heart while I was vulnerable and I was hanging out with him for about three weeks and had sex.

Then I finally realized this just wasn't at all for me! I wanted my FAMILY BACK.

So after about a month of not being with my boyfriend I went back home and told him what I had done. I said I really want my family back and to work on things because I really did love him and had no feelings for anyone else. I ended all contact with my ex and his family.

I found out a week later that my [baby's father] had been staying at a buddy's house and had met a girl at a party. He confessed they were now dating. For 3 months I sat back at home, raising our daughter.

He kept telling me he still loved me but after what I had done it just hurt too bad to come back to me right away. He and his new girlfriend have now been dating for 3 months.

His girlfriend left for college about 3 hours away. Now he came back home and is staying my daughter and me. He came home telling me he has realized that he does want his family life back and he misses me and the baby.

I told him we can work on us and our friendship and build on that...

I asked him what he's going to do with his new girlfriend. He said he plans on breaking up with her soon. Just yesterday I asked him, "Do you or do you not want your family life back?" He said, "Yes. I DO!" So I said "Then why can't you just break up with her?!" He said he will but he doesn't want to set himself up for failure with me again.

You can see my frustration. Not to mention, before he came back I found that he and my "best friend" had drunken sex. I guess I just don't understand it all.

What he is going to do next? Is he just trying to live both lives? Does she really want his family back but doesn't want to hurt this new girl? Or does he really love this new girl? What should I do? What is he thinking?

- A

Hog's Relationship Advice:

This IS heartbreaking. But not because of you two. But because there is an innocent baby girl caught in the middle.

You and your baby-daddy need to grow up in a hurry. You did a grown-up thing by making a baby and now you 2 need to act like grown-ups and take care of your child.

The most important thing is that your baby feels loved. You are a mother. A mother's #1, #2, and #3 mission in life is to take good care of her babies. A father's #1 mission in life is to care for his family. A father's #2 mission is to embarrass his children in social situations.

NOTE TO MY DAD: Thank you for accomplishing mission #1. And for being so incredibly committed to mission #2. Like when I was 13 and on the Math Team. I refused to wear my jacket that said "Math Team Champions" so YOU decided to wear it whenever we were out in public together. Why, Dad?! Why?!!!

You need to get your sh!t together immediately.

1 - Make sure you can provide proper emotional support for your baby. Get your head together.

2 - Make sure you have enough money to take proper physical care of your baby. Clothes, food, doctor visits, and those moist butt-wipes.

NOTE TO EVERYONE: Never underestimate the importance of a freshly cleaned butt. As babies we are wiped with wet little wipes. But as adults, we wipe with paper. Scrubbing skin with paper does NOT make it clean. You can't scrub doody off your skin. It must be wiped off with damp tissue. And if possible, use a little soap to disinfect the doody particles. What I'm saying is, your ass stinks.

You have a tiny little girl to take care of. You can NOT let her down!

Once you are more financially and emotionally secure... THEN you can begin to think about yourself.

A child needs love from both mom and dad.

Tell Daddy that he needs to come home. You guys are going to start over.

Talk about the hurt. Get it out there. You need to apologize. He needs to apologize. You need to forgive each other.

Whatever it takes. Forgive.

God doesn't judge people until after their life is over. So who are we to judge each other and not forgive?

Make a STRONG commitment to each other that this will NEVER happen again.

HOW TO FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER:

1 - Talk about how you are feeling. Probably angry and hurt and sad and a little bit hungry.  And maybe bloated.

CORRECTION: Talk only about your relevant feelings.

Realize that yes, you feel this way BUT you can decide to STOP feeling this way at any moment. Yes, you can actually control your feelings!

How?

By changing your thoughts.

Right now you are thinking: He boinked my best friend!

True. But did he INTEND to hurt you? Doesn't sound like it. Sounds like he did something stupid in the moment. Have you ever done something stupid?

Can you forgive someone for doing something stupid if they promise to never do it again?

2 - Work together to build back the trust. Decide together what is most important. Make priorities. Does this man want you to be happy? Let him know how sad he will make you if he breaks your trust.

Make the decision to truly forgive. He is human. He makes mistakes. And so do you. Both of you should forgive each other completely. That means you can't bring this stuff up whenever you have an argument like,

YOUR BOYFRIEND: Honey, is dinner ready?

YOU: In a few minutes, honey! While you're waiting, why don't you recall that time you f*cked my best friend!

It's over. It's really over.

It's time to move forward. Ahead there are beautiful days together as a family. To get there you must forgive NOW.

*** WHAT IS LOVE? ***

Love is not something that you "fall into" or "fall out of." That's fairy tale crap. INFATUATION is what you "fall into" or "fall out of." You fall into a major crush. Then it fades away. True love is WORK.

Good work. Rewarding work. When you work hard at something and you are successful, it feels GREAT. This is love. You two will work hard to make each other feel loved. To make your baby feel loved.

Do and say the things that make your man feel loved.

Example:

"I love you. You mean so much to me! That's why I baked you this apple pie. And I'm going to let you eat it off my n@ked body while we talk about sports."

And he should do and say the things that make you feel loved. But he can't read your mind. So you should TELL him what makes you feel loved.

Example:

Sweetheart, I feel most loved when we spend quality time together. I really like when we sit down together and just talk... because that way I know that you are here with me and not out banging my best friend!!!

Just kidding. Don't bring up the best friend thing.

You've got a family. Your job is to be happy together. Obviously you really like your man and he really likes you. Now it is time to get serious and work at love.

You will thank yourselves for it. And your baby will thank you by growing up to be happy and emotionally balanced.

If you fail, your baby will feel unloved and grow up to be a serial killer, or a dictator or the lady who does the Brazilian bikini wax.

Charles Manson (one of America's most notorious killers) had a father who left him and a mother who repeatedly rejected him by kicking him out of the house and into orphanages.

Don't create a serial killer. Create a poet. Create a scientist. Create a school teacher. The world doesn't need another stripper.

NOTE TO STRIPPERS: There's nothing wrong with what you do for a living! I'm just trying to protect your job security by limiting the number of girls competing for your position!

To answer your other questions:

What is he going to do next?

What he thinks is best for him. That's what everyone does next. You need to help him understand that being with you and the baby is best for him.

Is he just trying to live both lives?

Only if you both give him sex.

Does he really want his family back but doesn't want to hurt this new girl?

It's not about this new girl. It's about him and his priorities.

Does he really love this new girl?

I'm sure he really loves her v@gina.

What is he thinking?

Who cares?! He needs to be thinking about his daughter.

You are going to figure this out with or without him. At minimum, he must provide money. But you want him to provide love and caring to his daughter. Let him know how much his baby is counting on him. A real man takes care of his kids. Is he a real man or a boy?

Let him know that being a good father is an incredibly rewarding experience. This is why people have children. Because it feels good to bring a little child into the world and help them grow.

Being an absent father will fill him with regret and pain. He will miss out on his baby growing up.

I'm not a father but some of my friends are. And they all tell me that being a dad is an awesome experience. It feels great to raise a child... to torment. Like the time my dad picked me up from school on a bicycle-built-for-two. Yeah. I was embarrassed in front of my entire Fraternity.

Tell him that his baby needs him. That you want him. That you three will make it work. Nothing will get in the way of your family ever again.

Now you can start to enjoy the pleasure of watching your baby learn to crawl, and walk and talk and when she's old enough you can start humiliating her in public by being super un-cool. Like the time I was running for an important position in my high school Youth Group.

The meeting was running late. I knew I had to get out of there soon to go to a party for my cousin's 3rd birthday. So I get up to give my speech in front of 200 kids. That's when my mom comes barging through the door into our private meeting screaming, "You're late! We have to go to the birthday party! You're going to miss Barney!"

Did you like this article? Then buy me some chicken wings!

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