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Hi Hog,

After two years living with my boyfriend, we broke up. We spoke today after 24 days of no contact. He told me he missed me and that he wanted me to come over.

The problem is this: He told me he slept with someone else. This only ten days after I left. Granted I've been sad over the break-up, but I have not seen anyone, let alone slept with someone.

He said it was a one night stand, someone he met at a bar.... Should I be p!ssed? He basically said what Ross said on Friends, "WE WERE ON A BREAK." This is true, but should it bother me?

P.S. He also has a match.com account.....

- G

Hog's Relationship Advice:

First of all, you've been counting the days of no contact. That's a sucky thing to do with your precious time.

THINGS THAT ARE FUN TO COUNT

* Number of days left in school before vacation.

* Number of chocolate chips in your cookie.

THINGS THAT SUCK TO COUNT

* Number days left in your vacation before school starts.

* Number of calories in your chocolate chip cookie.

* Number of zits on your butt.

NOTE: Counting the number of zits on your butt sucks because it requires 2 mirrors held at very particular angles and then you've got to, uh, not that I've ever done this. I'm just saying hypothetically-speaking, um... ya know, uh, is that my phone ringing? Gotta go!

So, should you be p!ssed? You already are! That's why you're writing to me! If you were not upset you'd be back together and smiling like a cute little baby about to pass gas.

Let me translate what you THINK happened versus what REALLY happened.

"We spoke today after 24 days of no contact."

TRANSLATION: You are obsessing over him. You want him back. You are making yourself crazy. You need a hobby. May I suggest crossword puzzles or, I dunno,  vigorous m@sturbation?

NOTE: For your own safety and for the safety of those around you, please do not combine these 2 hobbies.

"He told me he missed me and that he wanted me to come over."

TRANSLATION: He is horny.

"The problem is this: He told me he slept with someone else."

TRANSLATION: The problem is this: He is an idiot. He should have never told you that.

Technically, you were "on a break." So he (and you) can do whatever you want. Here is where the miscommunication comes into play.

You, being a normal girl, were in a break-up mourning period that typically lasts about 3-4 weeks.

After this "time-off" girls usually look for, what social scientists call, "Random D!ck."

NOTE TO GIRLS: You may call this a "rebound relationship" but what you say doesn't count because you're not a social scientist!

NOTE TO FEMALE SOCIAL SCIENTISTS READING MY DATING ADVICE COLUMN: Why are you here? Shouldn't you be out running social experiments or something? Get back to work!

Usually the quest for "Random D!ck" takes the form of a 1-night-stand with some dude she meets at the bar when she's drunk. She tells herself, "It just kind of happened!" OR...

There's some dude she's been eyeballing for a long time. Maybe someone she works with or takes classes with... and she jumps his bones like a, uh, enthusiastic bone-jumper.

NOTE TO SELF: Work on my analogies! Because that analogy sucked like something that uh, really sucks. Dammit!

After this is out of her system she now does one of 3 things:

1 - she sleeps with every sailor, football player, and local musician she can find. Social Scientists call this "wh0ring."

2 - she starts looking for a new guy who is "relationship material."

3 - she says, "I don't want anything serious right now. I just want to have fun!" In social scientist nomenclature, this is labeled "wh0ring lite."

NOTE: Wh0ring-Lite is like Bud Lite except with slightly less belching.

"I have not seen anyone, let alone slept with someone."

TRANSLATION: I do not understand how men think.

See, in your girl brain this makes sense. But boy brain is very different from girl brain.

Boy brain ALWAYS wants to have sex with a new girl. But guys who are faithful suppress all their natural urges for you. And do you truly appreciate this? No.

NOTE TO GIRLS: If you have a faithful man, you should really treasure him. Faithful men are a very rare breed. Faithful men are like Giant Pandas and Spotted Owls all rolled into one and covered with canary yellow diamonds...  and sitting inside a UFO... as seen on a funny new television sitcom... about the hilarious antics of an Asian-American family.

Us men are built to lust after every attractive woman we see. It's a curse.

A man does everything he does to obtain greater status to get women. He may not even realize it. It does not mean he will act on it. For you girls, don't you like it when you get lots of positive attention from men? This doesn't mean you will act on it and slide down every Fireman's pole thrown in your direction. But it's a nice ego-trip.

NOTE: Sliding down every Fireman's pole is what social scientists call "giving back to the community."

When a guy goes through a break-up there is a mourning period of at least 2 to 3 minutes. After which his best friend will tell him, "Man, you gotta get over that chick and get laid."

Guys attempt to move on NOT by expressing themselves emotionally (like women) but by being physical with someone new as soon as possible.

In reality, this elongates the mourning period. Sometimes it gets dragged out several years because he never really dealt with the issue.

I made this mistake. I was brainwashed by our society to "be a man" and not deal with the emotional issues of a serious break-up. Just push it down and keep moving. Well, eventually it catches up with you and you're forced to deal with it. In this area, women are vastly superior to men.

NOTE: But men are still vastly superior to women in the very important areas of electric guitar, weightlifting, and blowing stuff up.

Actually, sha-boinking random bims is great way for a guy to see if he REALLY loved his ex-girlfriend. Anyone can "love" another person when they have zero other options. That's love out of need. Immature love as philosopher Erich Fromm says. Love out of need is like how a small child loves his parents. A child is dependent. An adult should be independent.

Many times guys fall in love with sex and not with their girlfriend. It just so happens that she is the provider of the sex. Guys need sex like a child needs reassurance. If he's not getting it constantly, he loses confidence and may develop a nervous stutter.

But when a guy has OPTIONS (sexual options) he's no longer choosing a girl just because she gives him sex. Now he will look for a girl for "the right reasons." Values. Personality. Hooters. He will not just appreciate her as the provider of sex, but he will appreciate all that she has to offer: friendship, trust, and sweet, sweet hooters.

It's like this: When you're super-hungry-starving with empty-stomach pains ANYTHING tastes good. But when you feel nice and full... THAT'S when you really taste your food and appreciate it.

Or put another way: A big movie star has his selection of women. Him choosing you is a bigger compliment than say, Joe the Repair Man with the foot fungus problem choosing you.

What I'm saying is, don't hate a guy who has many sexual partners (when he's single!). Because a guy who has no sexual partners when he's single is not a better, more moral man. He is just worse at getting sex.

NOTE: This does not apply to super-religious men who don't have sex before marriage.

NOTE TO SELF: That last note was totally not necessary. Super-religious people aren't reading a web site called HogWild. Super religious people are reading web sites about the bible and how to touch boys without getting caught.

"P.S. He also has a match.com account....."

TRANSLATION: He is looking for what social scientists call, "Steady Trim."

Male groin area thinks: I need sex! Now! And tomorrow! Below-average sex on a regular basis is better than great sex that happens rarely.

Female groin area thinks: Infrequent great sex is sooooo much better than consistent below-average sex.

So what's really happening here? You haven't talked with him for 3 weeks. He set up an online dating profile. He's moving on. You're not.

Do you want him back?

Yes.

SHOULD you want him back?

Think carefully about this. Is he REALLY the right guy for you? Or is he the only option available to you right now? Why did you break-up? Some break-up reasons are reconcilable and some are not.

BREAK-UP REASONS WHERE YOU CAN GET BACK TOGETHER

* He admitted that he doesn't like your new hair style.

* He embarrassed you in front of your friends.

* He's been instant messaging his ex-girlfriend.

BREAK-UP REASONS WHERE YOU CAN MAYBE GET BACK TOGETHER

* He admitted that he doesn't like your mother.

* He embarrassed you in front of your entire family.

* He's been instant messaging his ex-girlfriend "action-photos" of his groin area.

BREAK-UP REASONS WHERE YOU 100% CAN NOT GET BACK TOGETHER

* He admitted that he doesn't like you.

* He embarrassed you in front of everyone watching the Grammy Awards.

* He's been instant messaging his ex-girlfriend "action-photos" of your groin area.

If indeed you should not get back together... stop counting down the days and start counting the chocolate chips in your cookie!

But don't eat too many cookies or you will become what Social Scientists call... A fat ass.

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