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Hi Hog,

I met a girl who was visiting my town. We kissed but nothing more because she was only here a few days but I feel like we really connected. Now she's back home. What should I do?

-R

Hog's Relationship Advice:

Do this immediately:

Sell all your stuff.

Move to her town.

Show up at her door with 12 dozen roses, 3 puppies and a diamond ring the size of a baseball.

When she answers the door, begin weeping at her beauty.

Propose marriage.

You've got to follow your heart!

Then gently knife off the dangling parts between your legs and donate them to someone who will actually use them.

Here in 21st Century America, girls want a man who is hard-to-get. A challenge. So you have to pretend like you are difficult to obtain. Isn't that annoying?!

Welcome to the world of women. There's lots more where that came from.

Girls are beautiful and mysterious human-like life-forms. But never forget: they are NOT like you and me! Their brains work very differently.

They speak an entirely different language. Talking to a girl as if she is a guy is like yelling English at a taxi driver who only speaks Russian. In the end, you will be frustrated and soaked in vodka.

For example, guys talk about STUFF. The score of the game, the name of that new song, the size of your last poop. Girls talk about FEELINGS. Even when it sounds like girls are talking about stuff, they are really talking about feelings.

GIRL: Oh my God, you just farted really loud in front of my friends!

YOU: Yeah, that was a good one!

GIRL (TRANSLATION): Oh my God, you just made me feel embarrassed in front of my friends! I am going to hold this against you until you die.

Back to your question.... What should you do about this chick you really like but who lives far away?

It depends.

Take this quiz:

A - I am lonely and she is the only girl who likes me.

B - I honestly feel like we share values and a sense of humor.

C - She has huge natural snuggle-bubbles.

If you answered A, then dude, you can do better than that. You don't need to do a long-distance relationship for that reason. Find new ways to meet chicks.

If you answered B, I say, "Go for it!"

If you answered C, I say, "Send me her photo!"

HA HA HA! Just kidding.

NOTE: No I'm not.

If you have a picture of the two of you together, email it to her. It will remind her how cute you guys look together.

NOTE TO GUYS: Whenever you meet a new girl that you like, snap a picture of the two of you. Then show it to her. It reinforces the idea that you two can be together. In the photo, make sure your eyes are open and not looking down at her hooters.

I'd call her soon and prepare to have a nice 30 minute conversation. Have fun! Be flirty! You can be serious, too. In fact, it's important to show her that side of your personality. That you can be fun but also deep. Then once you've done, that you can get sexual.

Not gross sexual. But talk about how ever since you kissed her, you are curious about kissing the rest of her body. Tell her how you remember how great she smells and that if you were with her right now you would smell the perfume on her neck, then kiss her gently behind her ear. Then bite gently on her ear lobe... Then you'd put your hands around her little waist and...

Then you stop and tell her to stop teasing you! HA HA HA!

NOTE TO GUYS: Girls love it when you make them feel little.

Good example: You have tiny little toes! They're so cute!

Bad example: You have tiny little t!ts! They're so cute! They look like 2 little pimples!

NOTE TO GIRLS: Guys really like it when you make them feel big.

Good example: Your manhood is huge!

Bad example: Your manhood is huge! Your back must hurt from lugging around that thing! It's like a Totem pole! I'm going to light a fire and start dancing around it while praying for rain! Wow! I've never seen anything that big that didn't have leaves and branches on it!

Men can detect your subtle use of sarcasm.

After that first conversation, stay in touch with her. Maybe 1 phone call a month. A couple of emails here and there. Nothing too heavy. Make plans to see her. But nothing specific! Tell her "soon." If you are really pimp, you'll get her to visit you!

In the meantime, don't even THINK of demanding that she not see other guys. She will. Talk about it. Not like you're her girlfriend. But in a way that shows you're confident.

Tell her about the girls you are seeing.

NOTE: You're not seeing anyone else? You may have to exaggerate. Not lie. Exaggerate. Spin. Embellish.  Pretend. But NEVER ever lie!

Make sure you keep dating and socializing! Like the old saying goes: Don't put all your eggs in one pair of panties.

The cool thing about a situation like this is that you have a really nice connection with a girl and it IS honest. Both of you can see whoever you want. You're not in a relationship.

Then if you two really hit it off when you finally get together, you can decide what you want to do next.

The real danger here is if you start to obsess about her. That will prevent you from meeting cool girls in your area and at the same time it will make her like you less. Crazy, huh?

Girls don't want guys who can't get anyone else. Girls want guys who have their selection of women and then CHOOSE them. That makes them feel special. Remember, girls are very competitive.

HER THINKING: He is choosing me because I am better than all those other 2-dollar ho-bag chicken-head slut-face whore-boxes...  because I... am a lovely, delicate flower of femininity.

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