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Supreme Court Chief
Justice William Hubbs Rehnquist: A Life in Review
His conservative legacy
includes a stance against a woman’s right-to-choose,
right-to-vote, and right-to-wear-long-pants.
He was in favor of
racial segregation, in favor of school prayer, in favor of
the death penalty, and surprisingly in favor of UPN’s Monday
night prime-time lineup.
Chief Justice
Rehnquist went out at the top of his game, doing what he loved most:
judging others.
 1924
– Baby William Hubbs Rehnquist born. Refuses mother’s breast.
Considers it indecent.
1931
– On the playground, feels he is unfairly named “it” when
clearly, he was not tagged. Despite his cogent explanation, a larger boy
“over-rules” him and administers him wedgies. Vows he will never be
over-ruled again.
1937
– Young Rehnquist horrified by Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs
wears women’s clothes in an attempt to fool Elmer Fudd.
Defends Mr. Fudd’s right
to bear arms and right to hunt. Strongly against Mr. Bunny’s prominent
display of homosexuality and cross-dressing. Little does Rehnquist know
that he will spend most of his adult life dressed in a silky black gown.
1938 – Rehnquist discovers his emerging sexuality; his
mother admonishes him for incessantly banging his gavel.
1943-1945
– Rehnquist serves in WWII. His lengthy and well-reasoned
legal arguments bore the German war machine into submission.
1946
– Rehnquist suffers from post-war flashbacks of nocturnal
emissions involving Mae West pinup posters. Wakes up in the middle of
the night to bang his gavel.
1952
– Graduates first in his class from Stanford Law School --
simply will not shut up about it.
1952
– While clerking, writes legal memo in favor of segregation
in the landmark Brown v. Board of Education. Later
defends self: "Guess you just had to be there."
1952
– On bended knee, he proposes to his sweet heart with the
romantic words, “In order form a more perfect union…”
1953
- Marries Natalie Cornell. Finally bangs his gavel in a
woman’s chambers.
1971
- Nixon nominates Rehnquist to the U.S. Supreme Court while
cackling manically to himself in his forsaken mountaintop castle.
1973
– Women’s lib has hit the Rehnquist household. Wife demands
that he cook dinner for a change. His objection is over-ruled in the
landmark case: Help-Out-Around-Here v. No-Sex-For-A-Month
1976
– Arab Oil Embargo-- Rehnquist attempts to solve the crisis
with his forehead drippings.
1981
- Sandra Day O'Connor appointed to Supreme Court. Rehnquist
comments how nice it is to have a little lady around to tidy up
the courthouse.
1984
– Rules on the Sony Betamax Case; quickly rushes home to tape
“Murder, She Wrote.” Bangs gavel to Angela Lansbury.
1985
- Meager Supreme Court salary supplemented with part-time
faith-healing job
1986
– After a distinguished legal career and 14 hard years serving the
Supreme Court, Rehnquist is finally bestowed the honor of Chief Justice.
In 2005, John Roberts will be
promoted from middle-aged nobody to Chief Justice in the span of 2
months. Outraged Americans denounce this poor convention;
it should be reserved for Presidents only.
1989
– Judicial Branch rendered impotent. There will be no more
gavel banging.
1991
- Clarence Thomas appointed to the high court: given
separate, but equal chamber.
1996
– Rehnquist further closes the separation between Church and
State when the Virgin Mary is seen in the liver spots on his head.
1999
– Replies to unsolicited email espousing the benefits of a
certain wonder-drug. Court is in session! Bangs gavel.
1999
-- Rehnquist becomes the 2nd chief justice in U.S. history to
preside over a presidential impeachment -- that of President Bill
Clinton, who was acquitted.
Rehnquist cites testimony
of Monica Lewinsky, having always been sympathetic to a strong
oral argument.
Nov. 7, 2000 – Forgets to vote for President. Makes up
for it later.
Dec. 12, 2000 – Takes law into his own hands. Bangs his gavel.
Mar. 2003 – Texan anti-sodomy statute is argued before the
Supreme Court. Rehnquist launches his own unorthodox investigation into
the case: his undercover research into gay bathhouses is
considered extremely unnecessary.
Oct. 2004 – Initial ruling in Rehnquist v. Cancerous
Thyroid decided in favor of the plaintiff.
Jan. 2005 – Rehnquist loses an embarrassing case in
Dignity v. Bowel Control; loses several more appeals;
retains counsel of Depends™ brand undergarments.
Aug. 29, 2005 – Hurricane Katrina devastates any chance
that the public will care about Rehnquist dying. Additionally, Jude
Law ruled more important than American Law as his tabloid
scandal buries Rehnquist in the headlines.
Sept. 3, 2005 -- Rehnquist makes closing arguments.
Mom would be proud. He dies wearing clean legal briefs.
Sept. 7, 2005 – At funeral services, Clarence Thomas pours
out a little liquor for his dead homey, delivers the eulogy in the form
a freestyle rap while eating KFC, all while wearing an excessive
amount of jewelry.
Thomas notes, “That’s how he
saw all us black folk, anyway.” Then in the same spirit of satire,
he shines his own shoes and tap dances on Rehnquist’s grave.
Rehnquist’s conservative ally
Justice Scalia becomes emotionally choked-up while delivering
warmer final words, “He’s not really gone. It’s just a brief
recess...”
Oct. 2005 – Rehnquist eternally cosigned to Hell — in a
close 5-4 afterlife decision
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