I'm writing this because my brother is getting married. And I'm in the wedding party.

MY BROTHER: Make sure you get a haircut.
ME: Why? You won't even be able to tell under my hat!
MY BROTHER: You can't wear a hat!!
ME: You're taking all the fun out of your wedding. Fine. Is a visor okay?

And he wants me to make an extra trip all the way out to Queens (I live in Brooklyn) to try on my tuxedo. I don't care if my tux fits properly!

MY BROTHER: What if your pants aren't long enough?
ME: Then I'll wear high-top sneakers.

Whatever! No one cares what I look like in the pictures. No one is looking at me. It's all about the bride. Why do I have pose for these pictures anyway? Can't he just "Photoshop" me into the pictures?

And the worst thing is that he "reminded" me that I am giving a toast not a "roast." Sucks because I was gonna record it and send it to Comedy Central.
 

HogWild's Rules for Wedding Etiquette

or

HogWild's Rules for making a Wedding more Interesting for Yourself and Everyone Around You

1 -  Be late!
NOTE: Unless you are the groom. Then don't show up at all. It's your last chance to escape!!!

NOTE: Just kidding.

NOTE: Sort of.

If you think the reception is going to be boring, wait until you see the ceremony. BORE-ING! Skip it entirely. At the reception all you have to do is this:

YOU: What a touching ceremony. Your dress looked wonderful. You looked so beautiful.
BRIDE: Thank you so much. I was worried that I wouldn't fit into it because...
YOU: (thinking about which person at the party you'd like to mount.)
BRIDE: ...and we had a problem with the doves. Did you think that was too much?
YOU: Huh? What? Everything was perfect. You look beautiful.

But if you MUST attend the ceremony...

2 - Do not mock the religious traditions (out loud).

I was soooo hungry at this one wedding that I waited on line for one of those Jesus crackers. But I got turned away because I'm Jewish. Just as well since they got mad at me when I asked for cheese. How can you serve crackers without cheese?!! Christianity is so bootleg!

And in a total accident, because of my ignorance, when they took out that thing you're supposed to kneel on to pray... I thought it was a foot rest. Oops. My bad.

After getting some dirty looks, I mouthed the words "Sorry. I didn't know!" Why are these people getting so upset? I was like, "Chill dude... Jesus forgives all." Dumb-ass.

I was at a Jewish wedding and the tradition is that the groom stomps on a piece of glass to smash it. I think this represents marriage because he is symbolically shattering all of his hopes and dreams.

Anyway, I grew up in a rough neighborhood in the Bronx. I hear the "pop" and out of instinct I drop to ground to avoid the gunfire. Everyone got all mad. I was like, "Chill dude... Jesus forgives all." Dumb-ass.

3 - Entertain yourself and others.

If you made the mistake of actually attending the ceremony part of the wedding, or as I call it the "pre-party", you'd better do some stuff to stay awake. One thing I like to do is take lots of flash photography. I amuse myself by zooming in super-close so I can see up the Bride's nose. Then I show the person seating next to me and I giggle wildly. Then he reacts. Then I rub my arm and say, "Owwww. That hurt!"

At all weddings I always bring a laser pointer. It's fun to wave around the red dot on the bride, groom and especially on the bridesmaids. I laugh hysterically when the bridesmaids think it's a red stain or a bug and they attempt to wipe it off their dress.

If the Reverend or Rabbi is talking too much, I like to shine the laser pointer in his eye. Usually this will speed things along. (Except that one time his face caught on fire. Hey! How was I supposed to know it was a glass eye!)

4 -  Be a leader, not a follower!

At the ceremony when everybody stands, you stay seated. When everybody sits, you stand up. Stretch. Do some neck rolls. You wouldn't want to get a cramp!

5 - Show up to the wedding on crutches.

Crutches ensure a 100% comical evening of laughter and good times for all. Except the bride. She won't be too amused when you "accidentally" trip her with your crutch as she's walking (and now tumbling) down the aisle.

Plus the crutches are great because they allow you to always skip the long line at the bar!

YOU: Hey! I'm on crutches here! It hurts to stand!
DUDE: Sorry. Go ahead.
YOU: You are so inconsiderate!
YOU TO THE BARTENDER: I'll have 4 bottles of Heineken.
YOU TO DUDE: I mean, what if my leg really was broken?
DUDE: You little sh!t!
YOU: Hey, can you help me carry these bottles to my table? I'm on crutches here!
DUDE: Oh I'll help you with those beer bottles. But after where I put them... you're not going to want to drink from them!
 

6 - The Gift with Thrift.

Want to give something nice but not too expensive? Give a broken crystal vase.

Broken vases are much cheaper than unbroken vases. Plus, no one will suspect that you purposefully gave them something broken!  Someone must have dropped it! Maybe it was the groom who got a little too tipsy at the reception! Bonus! You've caused their 1st fight as a married couple! Here's a toast to many more!

7 - Because you care.

So you don't want to give the couple a gift with the potential to leave them bleeding? Then money is the best gift. Because they can use it for whatever they please! Some people say a Gift Certificate is more personal. That's why I like to give the bride a gift certificate to Nordstrom and the groom a gift certificate to Skankworld. If his local Skankworld doesn't offer gift certificates, I like to send a stack of dollar bills with a note attached. The note saying: ☺

8 - ALWAYS bring a date.

Even if your invitation does not specify "+ Guest." It's not your fault the couple is too cheap to pay for your guest! For these circumstances I bring my own pre-printed table cards with the name of my guest. Well, I actually only have one card and it says "Candi."

Because whatever my guest's name is, today it's Candi. I'm not being rude, it's just that when you're paying her by the hour she can change her damn name for you!

Plus, I get to eat her dinner. Don't worry, I brought her Peanut Butter and Jelly. Hey! I'm paying her by the hour!

Now I use this smoking hot chick to be my wing-woman to help me score with the hot babes at the party. When the girls at the party see me dancing with this hot chick they start thinking I have it going on. So naturally they want to talk to me. Then I dismiss my date for the night and tell everyone she had to go home because she pulled a muscle doing the YMCA dance.

9 -  RSVP early and often.

If asked to choose a dinner option, place a checkmark next to every item. Write, "P.S. if the bride is too nervous or busy to eat, I'll be happy to eat her meal. too."

If asked to fill in the name of your guest, write the name of a minor celebrity like B.D. Wong of Law & Order. (Obviously only use B.D's name if you are male. (B.D. is gay.)) If you are female, say you are bringing "the guy who played Carlton on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air."

Don't write his actual name. Write "the guy who played Carlton on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air."

When you show up to the wedding alone, apologize and say that your guest had a last minute conflict because he's shooting a commercial for a local car wash. Offer to eat his meal.

10 - The most important rule.

Remember this is a polite social function. So drink in... as much as you can! It's free!

If you must puke, do everything you can not to do it in the bride's lap. Instead puke on one of the bridesmaids.

YOU: Puuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuke.
BRIDESMAID: Thank you! Now I can finally change out of this hideous dress! It had a red stain on it anyway!