6 Tips: How to Leave the Perfect Voicemail Message

original article by Jim Citrin (above), re-mixed by HogWild

* In the age of email, there are still times when you need to let your voice do the talking. In these cases, the sound and inflection of your voice are much more effective than simple words on a screen accompanied by grinning yellow faces and acronyms for emotions. I mean, WTF? LOL! BRB.

Do you want your voicemail returned? Then follow these 6 Tips for How to Leave the Perfect Voicemail Message:

1 - Be authoritative yet upbeat in your tone.
 

* Your communication sends a clear signal about who you are and how important you are. You need to portray a sense of confidence, authority, and respect. This can be accomplished by shouting in German.

or...

* Sound like a police detective. But an optimistic one. "Hello, Mrs. Alfmeyer. This is Captain Jim Citrin over at the 7th Precinct. We feel REALLY good about the prospect of finding the bastard who did that to your family this morning. I'd love to get together to chat about it. Give me a call back. Have a great day!"

or...

* "Hello, Mr. Talmer, this is Jim Citrin, Harvard Business School class of '86. I'm calling to discuss a profitable business prospect for our 2 companies. I know I haven't been this excited about a joint operation since I was at Harvard Business School, which by the way is at Harvard. Please call me back at (800) 427-8273. Those numbers, just by coincidence, happen to spell HAR-VARD.

2 - Be clear about the goal of the message.

The only objective of a good voice mail should be to get your call returned. That's why spam with misleading titles is often so effective.

Follow their example!

* "Hello, Mr. Johnson. This is the UK LOTTERY WITH YOUR WINNING NOTIFICATION!!!"
 

or...

*  "Hello, Mr. Johnson, it's your doctor and I've got some bad news about your test results. Call me back at (212) 555-1234."

Now this is a voicemail that gets your call returned. And with Mr. Johnson so relieved that he's not about to die, he'll be primed to agree to your business proposal right there on the phone.

3 - Find a bridge to the person you're calling.

People feel comfortable if there's a familiar connection from them to you. This can be someone who suggested you call, a mutual acquaintance, a shared affiliation, a hometown, or any number of things.

For example:

"Hello, Charlie. This is Jim Citrin. I noticed that we both have very common first names. Heh. Interesting. So I'm calling in regards to a wonderful opportunity for you to purchase antiseptic urinal cakes."
 

or...

Everyone has a mother, so you could go with that.

"Mr. Ferguson, Your mother said I should call you about how my unique strengths can help your organization achieve its long term strategic goals. Unless it was just pillow talk."

4 - Be brief.

* Everyone's busy, so keep your message short. A busy executive doesn't have the patience to listen through a 5 minute voicemail when only 2 minutes of heavy breathing will get your point across just as well.
 

and...

There's nothing worse than leaving a long, rambling voicemail message because you may get embarrassed when you have to call back to finish your message.

"Blah blah blah blah... so if you ever want to see your family alive again, I need you to immediately call me back at the following numb---"

<BEEP!>

or...

* Slang can be used to convey your message quickly. "Yo. This is Jim-Boogie calling about that crazy-ass Johnson account. Holla at ya dog. Peace."

5 -  Leave your contact information slowly and clearly, repeat it if necessary.

There is a reason that commercials announce their phone number 3 times. It's effective! Be sure to make your voicemail messages like commercials.

"Hi, this is Jim! And have I got great news for people who like to save money! But you'll need to call me back within the next 60 minutes to take advantage of this special offer! 800-555-FREE! Call now! What are you waiting for? Call 1-800-555-FREE! That's right, 1-800-555-FREE!!! Talk to you soon, mom!"




6 - Be specific in your request.

People are much more likely to get back to you when they know that the conversation will be confined to a clear topic.

For example:

"Hello, Billy. My name is Jim. But you can call me Jimmy. You don't know me, but I have some candy for you here in my windowless van if you meet me after school. Don't worry, it's okay. Your parents asked me to pick you up today because they're dead."

NOTE: I am NOT suggesting that Jim Citrin lures children into his van with candy. He may use toys. Just kidding! Jim Citrin is A-O.K. After all, he's a Harvard grad. Now, if he was a Yalie, I wouldn't be so sure.

ABOVE: Jim Citrin. Perfectly normal, nice guy. As far as I know. I've never met the guy. But he looks like a cool dude who likes a good Frat party. TOGA!

Another example demonstrating the effectiveness of having a specific topic and a well-defined timeframe:

* "Hello, this is Jim Citrin. I'm going to need 2 of your newest girls at the hotel. I'm scheduling them for 11 sharp. One brunette, one a bottle-blonde. The blonde is to be wearing a black nightie and tells me I'm a very bad boy. And to achieve our companies' desired synergies, at 11:30 the brunette will take a dump on my chest. Those are our actionable task items."

NOTE: I have no idea of Mr. Citrin's actual bedroom/bathroom preferences. This article in no way suggests that he participates in anything illegal, unhealthy, or irresponsible. In fact, Mr. Citrin has never done anything wrong in his life. Well, once he was caught chewing gum in class, but that was expunged from his permanent record following his community service to the uh, community.

Props & Big Ups  to Mr. Citrin for inspiring this nonsensical article with his no-nonsense article: http://finance.yahoo.com/expert/article/leadership/20986

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