My Priorities: 

Food, Sleep, Sex.

Kicking game to an Eco-girl.

by HogWild

When picking up a girl at a bar, it’s smart to flatter her. But I’m not smart. I’m honest. So I went up to this girl, looked at the tattoo on her wrist and said, “That’s bizarre.”

When you have a tattoo of the Star of David – you must be a religious Jew. But you can’t be a religious Jew if you have tattoos. Maybe she got drunk at Spring Break – in Jerusalem. A tattoo of a Chai on her ass sounded great at the time but…  

So she was a walking paradox.

In other words, she was a woman. Hey! I just mean women are complicated for me and I can’t understand them – like 5^th grade math.

She was a liberal, vegetable-eating, recycle-rain-water-to-bathe-in type bim.

Cute, with serious boots. Black leather laced up to the knees. Freshly scuffed, from kicking the ass of the last guy who hit on her. He was Republican. 

Her necklace -- made of a non-precious metal – had about 28 charms on it. Including a cross,  Buddha, Vishnu, and the Muslim crescent moon. She said it all represented Peace. I thought it represented coo-koo.

So I joked with her, “Looks like everyone is represented there – but the Cherokees would be pretty upset with you for forgetting 'U Nay Klah Nah Hey.' Ha Ha."

She rolled up her sleeve.

She was Ms. EnvironMENTAL.

But I felt like I was getting somewhere – and no other bim was talking to me. So I became Mr. Environment. But honestly, I just wanted her to touch my granola bar.

I was like, “Yeah, we should hang out some time – oh, but I can’t next weekend, I’ll be in Venezuela to protest the Non-Organic Coffee Federation Trade Summit for oppressing, um, Mother Earth.”

I played the part to the FULLEST. When she asked me, "What's your favorite color?" I ruminated for a minute – “You know how the sky looks at 3 in the afternoon on a crisp, clear autumn day... That." Her: “No way! My favorite is 1 pm blue!”

After we've been talking for a while she says she needs to go out for a quick cigarette. I've heard that excuse before so I told her, "You should come back. Because I'm soooooooo close to getting your number."

She REALLY didn't like that. I had to win her back. So I told her I was just joking: I don’t have a phone – it’s the tool of the establishment! She loved that! I won her back!

So now it's 2 am and she invites me to hang out with her and her friends in their apartment. Do you wanna come? “Um, you’re dunk. You’re acceptably cute. And I haven’t had to pay for anything. Hell yeah!!! I mean – yeah, that cool as long as we don’t drive there, or take the bus, or ride the subway – or walk on any grass to get there."

So now we’re all hanging out in this small apartment, but it was hard to make a move because it was crowded and I’m a big pussy. So I got reaaaaally tired. It was 5 am already! I was tired and hungry. My priorities – in order -- are food, sleep, sex. By that point, all I wanted to do was go home to my own bed, with a hamburger in my mouth, and my penis in my hand. Oh dude, wouldn’t that make a great opening crime scene for Law & Order? No, Law & Order SVU.

Nah, but I was not feeling sex. Too tired and hungry. She could’ve been straight-up NAKED and opened her legs and I would've been like, "Unless there's a sandwich in there.... I'm not interested."

Dating Coach HogWild will help your relationship or dating life with his helpful and hilarious dating advice.

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