Mom's Lawsuit: My Son's School Bag is Too Heavy

"Thanks mom! Now the whole world knows I'm a pansy-boy!"

A woman in (where else?) California is threatening to sue the school system because her 8^th grade son’s book bag is too heavy. Dude, it’s obvious where the problem is. He’s lugging all these monstrous text books home to do – I can barely say it, homework!

Wrong move my man. If he were like every other normal kid, he’d be doing his homework where it’s supposed to be done – in the cafeteria, 10 minutes prior to class. Clearly the kid has no interpersonal skills. If he had bothered to develop this intelligence instead of stupid stuff like math and science, he would have a beautifully elaborate system of cheating and copying.

That’s the way it was when I was in High School. We learned to work as a team. Guarav was good at Physics so he shared his answers. Beth was good at reading those boring books for English. Do you see the potential for cooperation? Then there were the super-geeks who did ALL the subjects well and would give their answers just for your companionship – which all parties understood was terminated once outside the big metal doors of school. But that meant a lot to a kid who would ordinarily be sitting by himself at lunch. It’s not easy for those kids who have more zits than friends. So they made themselves valuable to the community.

This 8^th grader has a lot to learn. So he knows about the Revolutionary War and maybe some algebra. But he hasn’t a damn clue about the real world. No one cares about that stuff. People only care about cool you are. How you look. And if you wanna have sex. All that other stuff is periphery. Don’t even look that word up if you don’t know it. Screw it. It won’t make you any cooler.

I’ve seen kids hauling books through the hallways on those luggage-on-wheels contraptions that people use at the airport. Ridiculous! In my day, we had lots of heavy textbooks too! And we too were afraid to use our lockers because someone would break in and steal stuff. So we were resourceful. If Mrs. Drekendildo gave us 30 pages to read in our Global Studies book, we ripped out those 30 pages – duh! Why give yourself scoliosis? God, these kids are like Hebrew slaves carrying 2 ton bricks for the pyramids on their backs. Idiots!

But really, this is the 21^st century, man. Shouldn’t all textbooks be in electronic form? You have one palm computer with all your books on it. Print out the pages you need or read it off the screen. “But I don’t have a printer because I’m too poor!” you cry. Yeah right. Hey Nelly, sell your Nike Air Force Ones, and buy a printer or two. Or read it off the damn screen. “But I can’t read on a little screen – it makes my eyesies hurt” you whine. Yeah, then how do you manage to play Game Boy for 14 hours straight? There. That’s my solution. Wow, it really took a freakin’ genius to figure this one out. Those little handheld computers are cheaper than all those textbooks. Download the books to ‘em. If a kid loses his, it’s like he lost his textbook. He has to pay for it or he can never ever ever graduate.

I remember that crap. It was time for me to graduate and they wanted to make me pay $62 for this stupid Western Civilization Book from 10^th grade. Now, why the hell would I be keeping that book? I didn’t lose it. They claimed they never got my little “Book Card” back with the serial number. I said, “Look lady, I’m sure there’s a book in your bin with my name in it – oh wait.” Then I remembered how funny I was when it came to writing my name on that sticker that said, “This Book Belongs To:” I always put really smart monikers like “Douche Bag”, “Harry Kok”, “Peter Long”, and “Lisa Vagina Don Byet.”

This “controversy” has even lead to new laws. Cali’s Governor signed a bill that bans textbooks that exceed the state regulated weight limit. I can see it now. The ATF – the bureau of Alcohol, Textbooks and Firearms – storms Rand McNally’s headquarters with machine guns and a battering rams. “Everybody on the floor! NOW!! This book house is in violation of California Code 211.14b Section 8. We are seizing all ‘Principles of General Chemistry: Edition VII’ and turning them over to local authorities. It’s scumbags like you that make me sick!”

So I hope some legislature people or concerned parents are reading this. Get the palm computers – or good Lord – guarantee safe lockers! Hire a hall monitor to watch lockers all day. Six bucks an hour to a High School dropout to sit in his old High School. Or all kids keep their texts at home and use a class set during instructional time. Or, do the thing that makes everyone happy – rip out the pages you need! Kids have less to carry. Publishers make more money selling re-orders. Politicians can boast about spending more tax money on schools than ever before.

Some kids are carrying bags on their backs that weigh 30 pounds! Hell no. If I’m a kid and I’m gonna carry something that’s 30 pounds on my back – it’s not gonna be books. Thirty pounds can be a PS2 and my favorite 17 games – oh I’m still 13 pounds under – okay, how about a 15 inch TV? Or for you girls, why carry 30 pounds of knowledge when you can bring 30 pounds worth of cosmetics and clothes? You’d be able to change into a different cute outfit for every class period! Think how cool you’d be then!

NOTE: HogWild does not endorse vandalizing text books or anything else. He’s just trying to make a point. Learning is important but school sucks. Carrying books to school is not worth becoming camel-ized over.