Dr. Frankenstein created a beast. These scientists created a beauty. The Chinese have built the World's Prettiest Robot and named her Jessica Simpson. Just kidding, this robot is a lot smarter than Jessica Simpson!

"I have done it! I have built the perfect woman. Because she is the only one who does not reject me."

The robot's name is actually Rong Cheng. Now, you know the scientists got busy with Rong Cheng. Gross, I know. I'm just saying there was no shortage of volunteers when Rong Cheng needed oil in her squeaky parts.

Don't wrinkle your nose up at me! You know damn well that Rong Cheng was engineered by a bunch of horny dudes! You KNOW the guys tested her software by thinking with their hardware.

ABOVE: Those 2 scientists are actually married. They look upset because they got into a huge argument.

HUSBAND: To be a realistic female robot, it is absolutely necessary to equip her with robotic nipples!

WIFE: Well, there was no reason to program the nipples to get pointy when the air temperature gets cold.

HUSBAND: She's supposed to be realistic! In fact, I programmed her to get really moody at the end of every month, too!

Rong Cheng responds to 1,000 commands. I'm willing to bet that ONE of those commands is "Strip."

Most computer programs have a secret function called an "Easter Egg" built-in by the programmers. Sometimes it's a simple video game and sometimes, in the case of Rong Cheng, it's an erotic striptease. She tosses her hair. She pulls off her clothes. And you before you know it, she's fried every guy's circuit board.

It'd be awesome if that secret code phrase got out... Rong Cheng is working as the greeter to a museum and some guy yells out "Jiggle your gigabytes!" causing her to drop everything and straddle the nearest pole.

Old women cover the eyes of their grandchildren while Grandpa's eyes open wide with a smile. Grandpa manages to tell Rong Cheng, "I love you" right before he collapses to the floor from a heart attack.

Now that is a great job for Rong Cheng. Health care worker for the elderly. We all feel guilty that we don't love our elderly enough. Now we don't have to love them at all! Just buy Rong Cheng! The robot can bring them food, make sure they take their medicine, and listen to them complain for hours without even blinking!

My Rong Cheng robot would be so cool:

"Welcome home! Dinner is ready. I will sit in silence while you eat and watch the ballgame. Here is your beer. And please remember, my mouth can also be used as a bottle opener."

I know some of you women are reading this now getting all mad. Gimme a break! Like you wouldn't program your MALE version of this robot?

MALE VERSION: "Welcome home! How was your day?! I will sit in silence for the next 45 minutes while you complain about your co-workers as I give you a foot massage. And please remember, the top of my head can be lit as a giant scented candle.

Rong Cheng is being sent to the Sichuan Science Museum to act as a receptionist and tour guide. I think this is crap! Is that a good example for the next generation of female robots? Receptionist? No!

A female robot is just as smart as a male robot! She should be encouraged to work in a lab or on the space shuttle. You know, even on The Jetsons they had a female cartoon maid. She wasn't very hot, though. Unless you're attracted to something that looks like a mailbox.

More Rong Cheng robots will be sent to hotels. Can you imagine? They're going to replace all the pretty hostesses and cocktail waitresses with robots! Noooooo! What's sad is that drunk guys will STILL hit on the girls whether they are robots or not.

Unfortunately for the guys, when they ask for sex, the robot is programmed to say "No" up to 100,000,000,000,000 times in a row.

If you know men, then you know what that means! Some guy will be persistent enough to ask 100,000,000,000,001 times and convince Rong Cheng to accept his input device.

Look at those pretty fingernails. In all seriousness, this robot is so pretty it could put the "happy ending" massage girls out of business. A robot is perfect for giving h@nd jobs. It never gets tired from the repetitive motion and it can say a bunch of nasty stuff to get you turned on. Ladies, don't worry. I'm sure they will build you a Brad Pitt version with Inspector Gadget type pleasure accessories. "Go Go Gadget Vibrator!"

The amazing thing is that this robot chick only costs $37,500 to produce! So it won't be cheap to buy, but it won't be totally out of the price range either. Hell, I'd rather take out a loan to buy Rong Cheng than to buy a car!

When I want to go somewhere, I'll hop on Rong Cheng's shoulders and she can give me a piggy-back ride! C'mon, how cool would it look if I showed up to the bar on the back of my robot woman? Not cool at all? Shut up! Don't be jealous that I got a strong woman!

How soon until the robot is involved in some kinky threesome? I wouldn't mind. At the very least the robot can spank my girl's ass and shout out encouragement while me and my girl have sex.

Don't worry. The American version will come with a larger breast plate.

"Don't talk about my woman that way!"

Using sophisticated computer modeling, this is what I would look like as an evil robot:

Okay, I admit it. It's just a photo negative and I'm wearing a bottle cap in my eye. But I'm still an evil robot!

Why is Asia leading this field? Where are the AMERICAN robots?

I heard we're working on it... but so far the AOL Robot is really stupid and overpriced. And the Microsoft Robot constantly runs into things and crashes. I guess we're stuck with our Jessica Simpson robot. She's pretty but here is a short list of electronic equipment that is smarter than the Jessica Simpson robot:

iPod

Printer

Can Opener.