FOX has realized that American Idol is their #1 show, so instead of sending their news team to cover the State of the Union, they've sent Simon, Paula, and Randy! Out with boring political recaps and in with the American Idol style!

Besides... Simon, Paula, and Randy are just as qualified to judge presidential politics as they are music. Which is to say not at all.
 

Before President Bush goes in to make the speech, the Bush family wishes him luck. They tell him not to worry what Simon will think. Besides, the British will do whatever he says anyway.

President Bush walks in all nervous...
 

Simon: Okay, so what are you going to do for us today?


President Bush: Well, it's a speech called "State of the Union"



 

Paula: That's my favorite.

Randy: Okay, let's see what you got.

President Bush: Tonight I have the high privilege and distinct honor to begin the State of the Union message with these words: Madam Speaker.

Paula: Very classy. Like my scotch. I love scotch.

Simon: Kissing up to the new Democrat Speaker of the House? See my hands? I'm lifting the barrel of horse manure that he's shoveling.

President Bush: In Iraq, our coalition forces are making much progress, building important infrastructure, winning the hearts and minds of the Iraqi people and ultimately winning this battle on the war on terror.
 

Simon: Okay. Stop right there…are you serious? Was that serious?

Randy: Cut my Prez-Dawg some slack! It's not a great speech, but he said "infrastructure" all the way through. That's a long word. Please continue, George.

Paula: I kinda liked it. I think it shows he tried really hard. And he looks really cute with flop sweat.

President Bush: I propose a standard tax deduction for health insurance that will be like the standard tax deduction for dependents. Families with health insurance will pay no income or payroll taxes on $15,000 of their income. Single Americans with health insurance will pay no income or payroll taxes on $7,500 of their income.


Simon: This is great! Now Lindsay Lohan's stint in drug rehab will be a tax write-off!

Randy: He's got a strong pitch.

Paula: What? He's not even singing. Anyway, I think this is a wonderful idea. Regular working people will now be able to to afford to purchase their own health insurance! Which works out great for me because in addition to my own signature jewelry line, perfumes, and cosmetics, I am now offering the Official Paula Abdul Managed Health Care Plan! Feel Vital like an American Idol!
 

Randy: Yo, my Chief Dawg, I like the creativity, my Republicanine. Play to the pop crowd of unrealistic, impossible public initiatives. Very slick, dawg.

President Bush: It’s in our vital interest to diversify America’s energy supply, and the way forward is through technology. We must continue changing the way America generates electric power by even greater use of clean coal technology, solar and wind energy, and clean, safe nuclear power. We need to press on with battery research for plug-in and hybrid vehicles, and expand the use of clean diesel vehicles and bio-diesel fuel.

Paula: What? I don't get it. This sounds complicated. All I know is when I was a kid, they had these little toy cars that you could wind-up and then they would go really fast. So why can't they just make real cars with really big wind-up thingees and the cars would go really fast? Of course, you'd have to have wind-up stations, but we could build them.

Simon: Paula, you truly amaze me. He did say something about batteries and plug-in... this should interest you, my horny little trollop.

Randy: Simon, I don't understand half the things you say, but that was funny!

Paula: Hey! I like President Bush. He's like me. Because he mispronounces words and stuff.

Simon: Except, you mispronounce words because you're drunk. He's just stupid.

Paula: Hey! The President is NOT stupid!

Simon: But are you drunk?

Paula: <HICCUP!>

President Bush: We can make sure our children are prepared for the jobs of the future, and our country is more competitive, by strengthening math and science skills. The No Child Left Behind Act has worked for America’s children, and I ask Congress to reauthorize this good law.

Randy: Another nice move by the Commandawg in Chief. To show yearly progress in schools receiving poverty-aid means more testing. More testing means less real teaching and more teaching-to-the-test. Keep the poor people down!

Simon: Randy, at this juncture, I think it would be appropriate for you to make a fist and pump it into the air while shouting black pride slogans from the late 1970s.

Paula: Guys, I think the President made a great speech. I think he really means what he says. You can feel the sincerity. I bet he even wrote all his own lyrics to that speech.

Simon: Paula, you're not too politically astute.

Paula: What did you call me?!!! I do NOT take money for sex!

Simon: I know, you give it away for free. Just ask our young male contestants on American Idol!

Paula: Once! Once I slept with a pair of 17 year old twin boys from the show and I never hear the end of it!

Simon: The President doesn't need funding for No Child Left Behind, when we've got you, Paula.

President Bush: To secure our border, we’re doubling the size of the Border Patrol and funding new infrastructure and technology.

Simon: Yes! I agree! We should keep out all those foreign people with their annoying foreign accents.

Paula: Um, YOU have a foreign accent!

Simon: First of all, I was being sarcastic. Secondly, everybody knows "border security" means keeping out brown people who either:

1 - have no money and want to prosper in America (Mexicans)

2 – have lots of money and want to destroy America (Arabs)

Randy: What about Indians?

Paula: Randy! Indians ALREADY live here! They own casinos and herd buffalo and stuff.

Simon: Nice job, Mr. President. Who is next?

Simon: Oh God, I'm out of here!

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