Isn't this illustration of the New Mets Stadium pretty? But not accurate. Where are the filthy auto-body shops that outline the stadium? Where is the huge, ear-pounding 747 jet lumbering through the air right above your head?

And that water! So blue! I thought the Mets were staying in Queens, NYC. I didn't know they were moving the stadium to the Bahamas!
 

I DO like that there are so many seats in the outfield. That's cool. More chances to catch home run souvenirs! And more chance to curse out Barry Bonds.

Heckle him with gems like:

"You'd turn around if you had any balls! Oh, I forgot, you don't! Steroids shrunk them into raisins!"

I don't like that they reduced the number of seats. Less supply + Same Demand = Higher Ticket Prices. How much more expensive can a baseball game get?

Last time I went to a game I spent zero dollars and zero cents! Oh, I guess that doesn't help my argument. The game was a gift from my girlfriend. She's so sweet. Because she spent $34,000 dollars on the 2 tickets, + to get me one of those little ice creams in the plastic helmet, she took out a loan with Sallie Mae.

To justify the price, they're not going to call the Upper Deck the Upper Deck (seriously!) They're calling it something like Reserved Balcony Seating.

ME WITH STUFFY BRITISH ACCENT: Yes, darling, please pass me my monocle so I may observe the performance more closely.

VENDOR WITH NEW YORK ACCENT: Tea heeee-yah! Get your hot hot English Tea heeee-ya!

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Unrelated Passover Note: As a kid, my parents took me to a baseball game during Passover. Very strict rules on what you can eat. So mom packed sandwiches in tin foil. Matzah and bologna sandwiches. Matzah is crispy like a cracker. But now it was soggy. Imagine a giant soggy cracker with bologna. And it stunk. Everyone around us thought we were homeless.

 

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Are they really going to call it Mets Stadium? I don't think so. You know they will sell the name to some corporate sponsor. Now, PLEASE... can they make a rule that it can't be a bank? Because banks merge every year. Then the stadium has to keep changing its name!

Bank One Ballpark becomes Chase Bank Ballpark becomes Fifth-Third Federal Washington Mutual
No-Hassle Free Checking Field. Ugh!

Make sure the company is solid. That it will be in business for a long time. Something All-American. Like P*rn. I'd proudly go out to the ol' ballgame at Vivid Video Ballpark. I imagine they would make the in-between innings entertainment would be much more stimulating on the giant Stadium DiamondVision.
 

And honestly, the give-away games are pretty lame. A free calendar? A free tote bag? I guarantee Vivid Video would have much more interesting give-away items. Like, all kids 14 and over get d!ldos/baseball bats! And all moms get in free on MILF day!

Cool feature I wish for the new Mets Stadium: The coaches are supposed to stay in that little white box. But they never do! But NOW they will... because there will be an invisible electronic doggie fence that shocks them if they step out of the lines!

The new Mets Stadium will keep the Home Run Apple. Whenever the Mets hit a home run, a huge red apple rises out of a black top hat. Uh, yeah. New York City / Big Apple, get it?

Why not do something with Mets history? Like every time a Met hits a home run, the REAL Darryl Strawberry rises out of the top hat with a bottle of whiskey and beats his wife with it.
 

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Mets Stadium planned to spend an extra $200 million for a retractable roof, but ran out of money. But this is New York City. We don't need no roof!

When it rains, a team of immigrants from Africa will shout "Umbrella Five Dollar!" and they open a huge umbrella that covers the entire stadium.

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The Mets are touting that their new stadium will have w i d e r  seats. I think this is great! I think the Mets should not only accommodate today's fat and lazy sports fan, but HELP fans get fatter and lazier!

No more vendors. Installed in every seat is a tube. With the press of a button on your seat's remote control, it pumps your choice of Coca-cola, beer, or liquefied pink cotton candy directly down your fat throat.

And no worries. During the 7th inning stretch, your huge fat ass is automatically injected with an insulin shot for your Type 2 Diabetes. And it's the same model the players use! (Except players are injected with steroids, hormones, diesel gasoline, and a Starbucks Double Latte espresso.)

And can the seats please point towards the plate? No, even better. Swivel chairs!

All the chairs swivel -- except where kids sit. Because they would just be annoying. Oh, and when a baseball bim (you know, that hot girl with the big baseballs in her bra with no boyfriend wearing her ponytail through the back of her hat) sits... her seat bounces like a Cadillac in a rap video. That way us guys have something to look at during breaks in the action.

Oh, and all seats are equipped with clear windshields to protect your face from flying peanut shells and hot dog wrappers.
 

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Remember back in the day, when the relief pitchers came into the game, they arrived from the bullpen in a car? That was kinda cool. I think since it's New York City, they should build a mini-subway that shuttles the pitchers to the mound.

Naturally, the mini-subway would be equipped with that Mexican trumpet playing trio and the homeless guy carrying 2 Santa Claus sized bags of recycled soda cans.

Meanwhile the pitcher has to stand because the seats are full of pregnant teenagers in Catholic school uniforms and an elderly Chinese woman with a broken leg who is also pregnant and some fat black lady eating stinky fast food while pregnant with a half-Puerto Rican, half-Jewish baby that is also pregnant.

Oh, and if it's a late night contest, the game is delayed 30 minutes while the pitcher waits for the mini-subway to actually show up.