JUSTIN: Indiana Pacers guard Stephen Jackson was clocked in the jaw and then hit by a car in the parking lot of the strip club Rio.

Seconds later, fearing for his life, Jackson fired his gun into the air 5 times in order to scare off his assailants. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Athletes + Strip Clubs = Felony Charges.

HOG: I don’t understand it. Pro athletes have money. HIRE strippers to come to your hotel room. And you know what’s sad is that if BASKETBALL players have to go to strip clubs… what does that mean for the rest of us?

No category of human male on Earth gets more hot ass thrown at them than NBA players. Yet even they are paying to see a girl double-dribble?

JUSTIN: Yeah, why go to a strip club? I've been to night clubs when NBA players have shown up and have had girls leave me on the dance floor hanging like my name was HogWild. 

HOG: HEY! I’m doing all right! It was just last week that I was talking to this hot chick. I mean, sure, she was in the elevator with me and she hit the emergency alarm when I asked her out… but still!

JUSTIN: I know how easy it is for NBA players to hook up with regular women. I even understand if you're lazy and want a sure thing, then sure, a strip club is the place to go... but I'm telling you... much like eating convenience store sushi, you're going to pay for it later.

HOG: Uh-oh. Are you serious? Because I just bought some bootleg brand sushi at the convenience store. And I just ate the entire can!

JUSTIN: Woo wooo...that's the sound of the doo doo choo choo coming to your house HogWild!

So police said the disturbance began with an argument inside the club involving patrons and players and escalated once they left the premises.

Prosecutors said Jackson kicked a man who had a deformed arm.

Jackson told police that the man, Quentin Willford, started the brawl. This surprises me because if you've got a little arm that looks like a turkey leg you probably shouldn't be starting fights with 6'4" basketball players.

I'm no boxing expert but when you can't even scratch your b@lls with your lead hand you aren't going to win a lot of fights.

HOG: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwww!

I heard Jackson threw the guy with the shorty-arm into the river and the guy spent an hour swimming in a circle.

JUSTIN: Even more shocking was the fact that the police found a small amount of mar!juana in the passenger door of Jamaal Tinsley's car. He was with fellow Pacers Marquise Daniels and Jimmie Hunter along with Jackson at the scene of the crime. I know what you’re thinking, "NBA Players smoke weed, go to strip clubs and carry guns? It's not possible." But I'm telling you this is what happened.

HOG: If smoking weed, frequenting strip clubs and packing guns are the qualifications for the NBA, then G-Unit is the new Harlem Globetrotters.

JUSTIN: What really kills me is that of all people it's Jackson who should be trying to avoid trouble. This is the same guy that just had his probation extended 1 year after he did not complete the terms of the sentence he received for the 2004 brawl at the Palace of Auburn Hills. For those of you who don't remember, this was when a Detroit fan threw a beer on Ron Artest, so he and Jackson went into the stands to kick the fan’s ass. 

HOG: Yeah, that was cool.

The NBA is supposed to be cleaning up its image. This is not helping. They make the players dress in nice suits and ties but then all you hear about are NBA players r@ping women in Colorado or shooting guns or smoking pot or rapping with Fat Joe or fighting for Al-Qaeda.

JUSTIN: And you didn't even mention Jayson Williams who blew his limo driver's head off with a shotgun. Like Magic Johnson used to say in the 80's "The NBA is Faaaaantastic."

HOG: I present to you... HOGWILD’S WAYS FOR THE NBA TO CLEAN UP ITS IMAGE:

1 – All NBA players must visit a hospital’s Cancer Ward and share their marijuana with the patients.

2 – The NBA will expand its “Read to Achieve” literacy program to include teaching ALL players to read.

3 – NBA players will go into schools to teach children to solve math problems such as if Pacers’ Guard Stephen Jackson is sentenced to 5 years in prison, but because of good behavior he only does 80% of his time… in what year will he be eligible to play?

4 – The NBA Players Association will start its “Driving the Lane” social program. The NBA will pay for a special lane on all highways where NBA players can legally drive drunk and/or high.

5 – On the bench, no more fist-pumping, chest-bumping or aggressive towel waving. All players must now sit legs crossed, hands folded over their knee, with perfect posture. And wear tuxedos.

6 – All tattoos must be covered up with stickers that promote TBS programming.

7 – The video game NBA Y2K7 will have exciting new features! You can improve a player’s abilities by collecting food for the homeless, clothes for the poor, and helping old ladies cross the street!

8 – All European players MUST now shave their face once per month.

NOTE: This rule also applies to ALL players in the WNBA.

9 – Teams will be renamed to reflect the NBA’s new squeaky clean image. Say hello to the NY Philanthropists, the Los Angeles Good Samaritans, and the Chicago Drink 8 Glasses of Water Per Day.

10 - Mark Cuban will be shot.

JUSTIN: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute!

HOG: NOW you get sensitive, Dallas fan!

JUSTIN: The Marion County Prosecutor is pressing charges of criminal recklessness against Jackson because of the 5 shots that he fired into the air after being hit by a car. Personally, I think the guys that jumped him got off lucky because if someone sucker punches me in the jaw and then hits me with their car, someone's getting shot in the ass, cuz that's how we roll in Texas.

HOG: Okay there, Yosemite Sam. WHY did this shorty-arm dude attack Jackson? I’m not sure that Stephen Probation-Violation Jackson is 100% innocent. Was he trash-talking? Maybe Jackson told the dude that his jammy was longer than his shorty-arm.

JUSTIN: Bartender measuring... "Baby-arm comes in at 8.4 inches and...holy crap that thing needs a leash... Jackson comes in at 11.2 inches!"

Baby Arm Dude: That's it I'm kicking your ass.

HOG: You'd have to promise a hell of a tip to get the bartender to measure your pen!s.
 

JUSTIN: Jackson summed up his feelings though by saying, "I'm definitely blessed to be here today," in his first public comments since the fight. "I didn't really think I'd be up the next day after I got hit by a car and be walking. But I'm definitely blessed. I'm glad to be on the court. I'm happy to be alive and be able to be with my teammates and my family. In fact, I'm so happy I think I'll go out and celebrate by going and looking at some t!tties tonight!"

Okay I made that last part up, but it just goes to show why I love the NBA!