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81 Smart Ways to Stop Kobe Bryant

NBA Kobe Bryant Jokes and Funny Pictures

Justin Sanders with HogWild

JUSTIN: After Kobe Bryant dropped 81 points on the Toronto Raptors the other night it made me wonder about all things Kobe. I’ll be the first to admit that it IS impressive but what cracks me up is that he only had 2 assists! 2! I can just see his teammates standing around smoking cigarettes and eating hot dogs while Kobe shot threes and threw down windmill dunks.

HOG: Yeah, and his Buddhist Coach Phil Jackson is sitting on the sidelines sleeping, er, I mean “zen meditating.”

JUSTIN: I just kept waiting for his teammate Lamar Odom (a former all star before he entered into The Black Mamba’s black hole) to get sick of the Kobe Show and jump in there and block one of his shots or give him a hard foul.

HOG: What the hell is The Black Mamba?

JUSTIN: Kobe nicknamed himself The Black Mamba because, and I quote, “"The mamba can strike with 99 percent accuracy at maximum speed, in rapid succession. That's the kind of basketball precision I
want to have."

HOG: Oh! I didn’t know that! I thought The Black Mamba was a dance from the 1920s.
 

JUSTIN: On the other side though, how sorry is the Raptors coaching staff? I mean at one point the Raptors were up by 18 points in the third quarter right before Kobe went ape sh!t and turned into Wilt the Stilt. My question is why didn’t they do anything to stop him?

HOG: Yeah, they could have enticed him to go “Antonio Davis” and run into the stands by having someone attempt to steal the $8 million dollar diamond ring he gave to his wife.
 

JUSTIN: We all know how touchy Kobe is when it comes to hard fouls. Why not have Jalen Rose foul the sh!t out of him, provoke a fight and get him kicked out of  the game? Okay yes that is a little bitchish but if I’m a coach making $2 million a season and my job is on the line every time I lose a game... I’m just saying that I might’ve considered it.

HOG: Yeah, Kobe is very touchy when it comes to hard fouls. Because it might mess up his pretty face and ruin all his endorsement deals. Oops! He ALREADY ruined his endorsement deals when he cheated on his wife with that skank in Colorado!
 

JUSTIN: Or why not play a zone on The Black Mamba? In high school, teams routinely played a box and one zone (basically quadruple covering him while one other player covered the ball) on Shaq to keep him from killing them.

HOG: Why not have Jalen Rose eat a bunch of pig’s feet and chew on his practice socks and then BREATHE in Kobe’s face the entire game? Oh that won’t work. It’ll just remind him of that SKANK he banged in Colorado!
 

JUSTIN: Are you telling me that this quadruple coverage wouldn’t have kept Kobe in at least the low 60’s and possibly allowed the Raptors to win the game? I mean surely if you know coming into the game that Kobe’s usually responsible for about 40% of his teams points -- wouldn’t you do more to stop him than throwing the occasional double team out there?

HOG: Maybe to distract Kobe when he takes foul shots, the Raptors pay the cheerleaders to deep throat hot dogs.
 

JUSTIN: I’m telling you if I’m an opposing coach and Kobe’s coming to town I’m sending hookers to his room, prank calling him at three o’clock in the morning, triple teaming him, giving him hard fouls, whatever. I’m doing anything I can to throw this guy off of his game because we are witnessing one of the most prolific scorers in the history of the game!

HOG: You don't need to spend money to send hookers to Kobe’s room! You know Kobe likes white women who work in hotels! Just send the staff!

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