JUSTIN: After Houston Astros’ third baseman Miguel Tejada admitted to being two years older than he really is...
HOG: Wait. How do you admit to being older than you really are? "I admit it! I was born 27 years ago but I'm actually 29." HA HA HA! I think you mean, he's 2 years older than he originally SAID he was. Anyway...
JUSTIN: It got me to thinking about which other professional athletes have lied about their age. Surely Tejada’s not the only one who has lied about his age, I mean just last week HogWild shaved his goatee and tried out for his old little league team. Unfortunately since he hasn’t played baseball in 20 years he was cut from the team for Chelsea Martin of Brooklyn.
Still it’s a topic that needs to be looked into so without further ado here are some athletes that surely must be lying about their age!
HOG: Dude, I totally should have made the team! And I would have but Chelsea’s daddy is the coach!
JUSTIN: Greg Oden - Supposedly he was born in 1988 but just looking at a picture of him tells you that there’s something fishy about this story.
JUSTIN: Throw in the fact that he’s already had a major reconstructive knee surgery and he’s got to be at least in his 50's. Still even if he is that old he'll probably turn out better than when the Trailblazers drafted Sam Bowie with the number one overall pick.
HOG: It’s not Sam Bowie’s fault that he was drafted ahead of Michael Jordan. Sure Sam Bowie wasn’t quite as good as Michael Jordan, but he tried really hard. And isn’t that what really counts?
HINT: No. It’s not.
As for Greg Oden, who cares how old he is? Why are you so hung up on age? All that matters is performance. And performance-enhancing drugs. I’d take a 45 year old Roger Clemens on HGH over some 22 year old pitcher on the Texas Rangers.
JUSTIN: Danny Almonte - The famous Little League pitcher lied about his age so that he would still be eligible to play and it worked…for a while. Eventually he was busted when he was seen hitting on high school chicks and smoking cigarettes after a game but Danny didn't care because he really was into older chicks. This was proven three years later when he married a woman 11 years his senior...or was she???
HOG: OK, in this case age matters because he was cheating. This reminds me of the legendary Al Bundy in my favorite TV show Married with Children when he lies about his age to get into the Senior Games where he sprints to victory against elderly men, retirees and a lady using a walker. HA HA HA! I love that show.
Anyway, this brings to mind the old adage: Cheaters never win and winners never cheat. Except for Home Run King Barry Bonds. And Mr. Universe Arnold Schwarzenegger. And the New England Patriots. And former President Bill Clinton...
JUSTIN: Lebron James - Speaking of phenoms let’s talk about Lebron James. Supposedly he’s 23 but come on he looked 35 when he was still playing in high school! No wonder he was so dominant! He was twice the age of most of the kids he was playing against! Of course he may just look older because he’s a foot taller than me and can grow a beard but still there’s no way he’s only 23 years old.
HOG: Don’t be jealous because LeBron James is worth millions of dollars and you’re not. Don’t be jealous because LeBron James is athletic and you’re not. And most importantly, don’t be jealous because LeBron James can grow a beard and you can’t!
Besides, I like his beard. It makes him look more like Abraham Lincoln. If Abe Lincoln could slash to the hoop and dunk.
But he couldn't. Now, Millard Fillmore. THERE was a Presidential b-baller!
"Hear ye! I will dunk in thou face!"
JUSTIN: Michelle Wie - Ummm, no comment except to say that she certainly looks older than 18. That being said she seems like a charming young woman with an incredibly bright future ahead of her.
HOG: You wuss. Just say it. She’s hot. (For a pro female golfer.) Which simply means she’s not hideous. As a pro female golfer, she’s a 10. If she was a pro female tennis player, she’d be a 7. If she wasn’t a famous athlete she’d be a 5. And if she was a pro female basketball player she’d be a 14.
Did you know that Michelle Wie is 6’1”! That means she’d probably be awesome at volleyball.
NOTE: As a pro female volleyball player she’d be a -12.
JUSTIN: Kevin Youkilis - This dude is only 29 years old but he looks about 10 to 15 years older than that for sure. With his bald head and that Oz inspired goatee he looks like he should be dressed in leather, riding a Harley across country with a Roseanne Barr look alike on back. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, I'm just saying most of those dudes are older Mick Jagger.
HOG: I like Youk’s look. He’s got his own thing going on. Sure he should pick some of the nits out of his beard, but I like that he looks a little dirty. I don’t want my multi-millionaire baseball players with manicured fingernails and waxed eyebrows. I want them staying true to their blue collar roots. Professional athletes are awesome because they’re paid like Wall Street bankers but look like auto mechanics.
JUSTIN: You just like him because he's still rocking that 90's goatee!
HOG: No! I like him because he's got nice buns! Er, uh, yeah. HA HA HA!
JUSTIN: Kelly Pavlik - The reigning Middleweight Champion of the world is one of the biggest bad asses on the planet but with his Dr. Phil-like receding hairline he looks more like he should be selling used cars in Ohio. Maybe that's why he's such a bad ass. Because every time someone made fun of his hairless noggin he just kicked their ass. Heh heh...actually I think his hair looks great and think I might shave my head too...
HOG: I don’t like to make fun of people for stuff they can’t do anything about. Like losing their hair or being retarded or living in Ohio. HA HA HA!
In conclusion, let’s not judge people based on their age. Let’s judge men based on their merits. And women based on their accomplishments. And by accomplishments, I mean boobies. Awww! Just kidding! It’s about accomplishments... AND boobies.
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