Hog's mom does NOT approve of this article.

OK, sure it's been a great NBA Finals. But blah blah who cares?! The REAL match-up is the Battle of the Cheerleaders! The Laker Girls vs. The Celtic Dancers!

Our first Laker Girl is Jeri-Faye, showing off her back-court:

Next we have Vivian, the token Asian:

Vivian is not that hot. And they made her wear the jacket and hold the basketball like that to hide her gutski.

OK, so the Laker girls hired a 2nd Asian, Allison, and she is hotter:

But why did they have to dress the Asian girl up as a Ninja?! That's f&^%ed up! And I heard they make her do the team's laundry. That's just wrong!

Actually, my Asian Hogs & Hoggettes take pride because Allison is one of the few cheerleaders with a college degree in a real major, not like the other girls who majored in Dancercize and Advanced MacroShoeShopping.

So how does Allison stack up versus the Celtics' token Asian, Meaghan?

I say it's a toss-up. Meaghan has a little booty action going on. The thing is, girls don't look good in green. It's just not fair. Any girl looks better in purple than wearing shiny green. There's a reason lingerie is usually pink or purple or red and not freakin' bright green!

Next we have Richelle:

She's not what I call "hot." But she's super cute. Like, I would feel bad doing naughty things with her. I just want to take her home and tuck her into bed with her teddy bear. Read her a story. Give her a glass of warm milk.

But Tara here:

She's hot because she looks a little dirty. She looks like she's about 2 years away from being a waitress at Hooters.

I think she matches up well against Alison:

Now these are the kind of skankalicious skanks we all want and love!

Long blonde hair, tight body, big factory installed Foobies. (Fake Boobies) I think she's my favorite so far. I'd love to commit a personal foul on her! Unfortunately for me, it would only be a 3 second violation. Aaaawwwwwww!!! HA HA HA!

Now let's talk about -- no just sit in shock over Tiffany:

WTF, girl? I don't get it. How can you actually be rockin' that spaghetti-head hair style?

I stared at her picture for 10 minutes in confusion, but now I think I understand. She must be from somewhere in the Midwest, like Parma, Ohio, where this is still the style. She probably looks great wearing an acid-washed denim jacket.

And yes, I think I'm right about her being from Ohio because the other girls list their Hobbies/Interests with things like: swimming and traveling but she lists, "bowling." Yup. All makes sense now. :)

NOTE TO MY HOGGETTES WHO LOVE TO BOWL: Nothin' wrong with bowling! Chicks who bowl are hot! Chick who bowl who ALSO have that hair style... um, they should be turned upside down and used to mop the lanes.

Next we have Courtney the cutie:

She's cute but her gutski is a little thick. Now girls, I know a lot of you are thinking, "Wow, Hog thinks SHE'S fat?" The thing is she is a PROFESSIONAL dancer. It's her JOB to look fit! It's like if you're a teacher but you're a slow reader.

Not surprisingly, Courtney lists her favorite food as "freshly baked cookies like the kind I'm eating right now." No, I didn't make that up.

Still, she's very cute + she gets bonus points for managing to look pretty while wearing a hideous green outfit.

And being shape still can't help this girl, Cherie:

This could just be a bad picture, but then again, it's her official photo. She looks like she rolled out the trailer to yell at her 12 kids to get her cigarettes from the store. I dunno, the girl could be a genius, but in this photo she looks like subsists on a diet of Slim Jims and Jack Daniels.

Holy crap! It's Jo from the Facts of Life!

I'm so happy to see her still working!

This next girl is Ari. I'm including her just 1 reason:

She says her name, Ari, is her dad's name backwards. That means her dad's name is Ira. What?! She doesn't look half-Jewish! Is it possible? Could it be? That her dad is the first black man named Ira? That would be amazing!

See that's how we bring unity! By sharing our names! I'm white and Jewish but I'm naming my first son, Dikembe, my daughter Claudia, and my 2nd son . At the very least it will confuse the hell out of people!

Here is Emily and she is yummy:

She is smoking hot even while wearing that snot-green uniform. Beautiful shape, pretty smile, nice hair. Booooooobies! But one thing about her is revolting. Disgusting...

That wedding ring. Aaaaaah!!! WHY? GOD? WHY?! This is worse than the time you allowed Jessica Alba to be impregnated!

OK, I'm back.

Next we have Athenia:

How the hell did she get on the dance team? Sure, she looks great for being President of the PTA but this a cheerleading team! I don't get it. Oh wait, on her bio she says, "I can touch my tongue to my nose." Ah, OK. I see what went on here.

Now I will conclude with a CONTROVERSY! You won't believe this but there was a Celtic Dancer who SWITCHED SIDES and is now a Laker Girl!

Whitney as a Celtic Dancer:

Whitney as a Laker Girl:

I don't know if Whitney was part of a trade or if she left as a Free Agent, but she's much hotter as a Laker Girl. You see how much better a girl looks when she's not dressed like a neon Dragon?

Want a kick-ass comedy show for your college or party? Email me for details.