If you missed, part 1 of this Jury Duty horror story, go here.

So where were we? Oh yeah, I got called for Jury Duty. Noooooooooooooooooooo!

Okay so there's about 30 of us sitting in the courtroom. The judge is listening to excuses.

Black guy in baggy jeans: I can't serve because I have to be in Traffic Court on Tuesday and Criminal Court on Wednesday.

Judge: As a defendant?

Black guy in baggy jeans: No. As a police officer.

HA HA HA!! I started laughing. That's awesome. In your face, judge!

I didn't know that cops got called for Jury Duty! Good! Make 'em suffer with the rest of us!

Woman with heavy Spanish accent: Eh, I have plane tickets to Ecuador on Friday.

Judge: When did you make these travel plans?

Woman with heavy Spanish accent: Eh, maybe 3 month ah go.

Judge: When you received your Jury Notice, why didn't you ask for a new date if you knew you had plane tickets?

Woman with heavy Spanish accent: Eh, um, eh, it was last meeeee-nit.

WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

You can see the Judge struggling with this internally. Does he make her cancel her flight? That's pretty damn hardcore. But if he lets her off the hook, people will realize they can get out of jury duty with this excuse and soon EVERYBODY will suddenly have plane tickets.

It's contagious. Like birthdays in a restaurant. Once one person gets some free cake, all of a sudden it's everybody's birthday!

He lets her off, but warns her that "next time" she won't be so lucky and she'll have to cancel her trip.

Then, lo and behold...

Woman: I'm going to El Salvador.

Judge: When did you know about this trip?

Woman: Um, it was last minute. Just 2 months ago.

Elderly Man: I'm going hiking in the Everglades.

Religious Jewish Guy: I'm going on a cruise to Iraq.

Damn it! Everybody has vacation plans except me! It's intimidating to try to lie to a judge and a room full of law enforcement and 30 other people...

Me: Your honor, I respectfully request to be excused because this coming Wednesday I was planning on taking my girlfriend to the zoo. And see, it's only free admission on Wednesdays. Otherwise I have to pay like, $15 each and I was saving that money to get a new pair of headphones because only one earpiece works right now. I was going to do that on Thursday, so you see I really can't serve at this time.

Judge: Sit down!

Me: Um, yes Judge. Oh, my grandmother has cancer. Can I see her? I mean, technically she HAD cancer. She's dead. But um, you know, it's a very personal matter.

Judge: Sit down before I put YOU on trial for contempt of court!

Me: Sorry, your honor. I guess I can visit the zoo and my dead grandmother another time. I'm sorry. Yeah. Sorry.

I wasn't the only one to get shut down.

Blonde 40 year old woman: I'm a nurse and it's my job to help people. I don't feel comfortable judging people.

Judge: You're not supposed to be comfortable. This is Jury Duty.

*** COURTING IN THE COURT ***

Jury Duty is potentially a great place to pick up chicks. This is true because of a Dating Theory I call "Best Available." You already know this theory:

It's last call at the bar. The girls you consider for a romantic banging at this time, are NOT girls you would have considered 2 hours earlier. They are the Best Available.

"The Judge would like to see you in his Chambers. But first I'd like you in MY chambers."

In Jury Duty, YOU can be the Best Available! This enables you to snag a bim that is normally out of your league.

When this hot girl is at the bar and surrounded by hunky hunks wearing fashionable clothes, your Wrangler jeans wearing ass has no shot. But NOW... your competition is much less. She is so bored, that your conversation might prove interesting. She will give you a shot! Wouldn't that be a great story to tell the kids!

Kids: Mommy, Daddy? How did you meet?

You: Well, I met your mom while serving Jury Duty.

Her: It was so romantic. Your father was so sweet. And funny! He made me laugh through the entire double-homicide trial!

*** DRESS CODE ***

The Jury Notice required us to dress "in a manner appropriate for the Court."

So I did something I hate to do! I wore shoes. No sneakers. No hat. No jeans. Totally sucked. I even trimmed my nostril vines for this crap.

Apparently, like the law, the term "appropriate for the Court" is open to interpretation. Because this is what everyone else was wearing:

Green camouflage shorts

Doo-rags

Flip-flops

Red paint on bare stomach declaring: BOSTON SUCKS!

And I wasted a pair of clean underwear on this thing!

I can't believe they let these people in the building. Why does the Dance Club have a stricter dress code then a Court of Law?

*** TELL ME A JOKE ***

"Tell me a joke." This is the most annoying thing you can ask any comedian. Never do that. If you do, the comedian will think you are a douche-bag.

Whenever some idiot finds out that I'm a stand-up comedian, he asks me to tell him a joke. Today's comedians don't tell knock-knock jokes. You wouldn't ask an actor to act out a scene. You wouldn't ask a boxer to punch you in the face. So stop asking me to tell you a God damn joke!

I'm in the Jury Box. The lawyers are determining if we would make good jurors.

So the prosecuting attorney for this case, a case where a teenager got shot twice, says to me: "Says here you are a comedian. Tell us a joke."

Me: Um, I don't think it's appropriate.

Lawyer: C'mon. How about a clean one?

Me: Well, uh, okay... Why won't piranhas attack lawyers?

Lawyer: Oh, um, why?

Me: Professional courtesy! ... Okay I got another one: What is a criminal lawyer?
 

Lawyer: Um, I think we..

Me: What is a criminal lawyer?... Redundant!!  ... Why does California have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps?

Lawyer: Okay, we get the ...
 

Me: Because New Jersey got first pick!!!

Lawyer: Enough!

What a dipsh!t.

Oh! The lawyer, trying to trick us, asks, "Who here thinks they have specialized knowledge they can share with the other jurors that can help with this case?"

The nurse from earlier explains she understands physiology and that could help explain the angle at which the bullet entered the victim and so forth.

Lawyer: Says here, you are a Medical Coder.

"Nurse": Oh, yeah, well, I used to be a nurse.

Lawyer: What does a Medical Coder do?

"Nurse": I put colored stickers on the files for billing purposes.

HA HA HA! I love it!

So during the lunch break, I asked the "nurse" for some help.

Me: Since you're a nurse, I was wondering if you could help me. I have this awful pain on the right side of my neck... What color sticker would you put on it?

"Nurse": You're a real d!ck.

Me: HA HA HA!!!

*** STEREOTYPES ***

I love it when stereotypes are turned on their heads. Because too many people like to throw a label on people so they don't have to think.

But sadly, and hilariously, the court room was 100% stereotypes.

The judge was Asian.

The Prosecuting Attorneys for the state were slimy, corny, out of shape, pasty white guys with mooters (Man Hooters.)

The Public Defender was a young disheveled guy with shabby clothes and he was half incompetent because the judge kept reprimanding him for messing up protocol.

The Defendant in this criminal trial was a 16 year old black kid.

The court reporter was a middle aged woman.

The court security was an dopey looking guy in need of a good dental plan.

*** HOGWILD'S PLAN TO FIX JURY DUTY ***

Serving on a jury sucks. But it's a vitally important job to keep up the illusion of fair justice in America. Why not employ professional jurors? It could be a full-time job. Get some people who enjoy crime stories and don't have many friends. You know, the elderly. They're not doing anything anyway! Stop leeching off society and contribute!

This is a great plan if you just issue them all hearing aids and have frequent breaks for naps.

*** SO DID YOU GET EXCUSED? ***

Yes! Thank you God! I love you!

Since the case revolved around a shooting, they asked us if we, or anyone close to us, had been the victim of a violent crime.

I took a deep breath, and began counting on my fingers: "Yes. My good friend was robbed at gunpoint, my brother was robbed with a gun, my dad was mugged in our building with a gun, my Uncle Joe was shot, and I was held-up at gun point but they didn't actually take any of my stuff because after looking me over they said I had nothing worth stealing.

*** THANK YOUS ***

So for getting out of Jury Duty, I'd like to thank my parents for raising me in an incredibly dangerous neighborhood and I'd like to thank former New York Mayor David Dinkins for doing nothing to stop crime. And I'd like to thank all the petty thugs who made it possible for me to escape Jury Duty. Thank you!