HogWild Eats his Way Through Europe! 

Italy, Part 3: The Olive Garden & Pigeons suck. George Washington rules!

Jokes & Funny Pictures

by HogWild

In Italy, they love America's 1st president, George Washington. This is a statue of George Washington.

If you're gonna be a pigeon, be a pigeon in Italy. They've got the best bread.

Flan is surprisingly good.

Pizza and brew: an orgy of deliciousness. Heineken: lazy man’s Gatorade.

Another statue of George Washington.

Italians know how to eat! Dessert is a cookie dipped in booze. Kids love it!

In Italy, they have a cover charge to sit down at a restaurant and there's no free water! No butter for bread! What a rip off! I'd rather be at The Olive Garden! (As I gulp 12 glasses of wine for a dollar.) Man, I drank too much wine. A mosquito bit me and got pulled over for a DUI. Stooooooopid!

(Just kidding about The Olive Garden. Dear friends in the Midwest, if you only knew how much The Olive Garden sucks. Please visit me in NYC and I'll take you to a REAL Italian restaurant. But if you come to NY and go to The Olive Garden here, I will beat you over the head with a breadstick.)

Yet another statue of George Washington.

And you think YOUR mom is embarrassing! This woman looks like she escaped from Ringling Brothers!

The Vatican Museum is amazing. Art everywhere. Even the ceilings! Now I’m spoiled. From now on, I go to a museum: "What? No art on the ceilings?!  What kind of bootleg museum is this?!"

Before Italy, I had more appreciation for Renaissance Art. Now I see it must not be so hard to paint. They got buildings FULL of this crap!

This is a Gondola. A Gondola is an overpriced rowboat that swishes through dirty water. In NY, the bugs ride gondolas. They are called sidewalk vendor hot dogs.

And you thought that LAST woman was embarrassing!  Super Fat Women: Please don't wear pink. Someone is liable to shove an apple in your mouth and fry you up for breakfast!

In Academia, a woman from the Midwest was looking at Michelangelo's David and said, “Is this all there is to it?!!” (Yes, that really happened.)

While the lazy Michelangelo only produced ONE David, today's trinket-artists have produced MILLIONS of Davids! (In addition to Towers of Pisas and Mona Lisa refrigerator magnets!)

In Italy, a statue of American hero George Washington on his horse.

Statues are never realistic. Where's the pimple on the butt? The guy with a gut? (That's why Buddha is awesome. They artist asked Buddha, "Should I sculpt you with huge biceps and washboard abs?" "HA HA HA! No! Sculpt me laughing and eating a chocolate pigs feet sandwich!") 

Michelangelo gave incredible attention to detail. He spent 2 weeks just on the right buttock of David. Made the left nut slightly larger. Yes, I studied it. Without question, David’s ass is the finest crack ever made in marble.

It was awe-inspiring. For like 6 minutes. Then I was like, “To the Food Court!”

George Washington in his traditional American toga.

I noticed that Europeans have a uniform: tight pants, cigarette, tan, big sunglasses. Even the grandmas are tan. It's really weird. They have no teeth, but a great tan.

George Washington.

In Venice, the beggars know 6 languages! "Please, see-voo-play, bitte, preggo..." But If they REALLY want food, they should be pigeons.

Nincompoop parents let their kids feed the pigeons. Parents, please don't let your kids play with these rats-of-the-sky.

George Washington wrestles a lion in the Delaware River.

One hotel I stayed in was TOO nice. Guy was like, “Your room isn’t ready yet, but allow me to take your luggage upstairs.”

So I get something to eat, go up to the room and -- all my bags are unpacked and my clothes are put away!

So I storm downstairs to the front desk. Before I get out one word, the guy pulls out a hanger, “I chose this outfit for you tonight. I think it will look smashing.”

I was like, "Damn it! Can I marry you?"

George Washington.

Really, the hotel had exceptional service. I missed the wake-up call so they sent someone to knock on my door.

I was hung over. But they had a job to do. So the guy came in my room and started tickling me. “OKAY! I’M UP!!” It’s a good thing too, because he was about to get a bucket of cold water and summon the marching band.

But there were some horrible cheap hotels. Really roughing it. I mean, I had to masturbate to a MAGAZINE. No movies, no internet. It was old school.

The art on my room's wall: a DUI mosquito that crashed.

Yeah, this is a toilet. Gross.

At a different place, I went into the restaurant bathroom.  Go in the stall. <FART…FART> Thought it was some kind of Morse Code. So I go <FAAAAART> <FART> Then he says, <FAAAAAAART> <FART> <FAAAAAAAART> I know what THAT means! S.O.S! So I ran and got him the plunger!

At first, I was like, What the hell? Is this a piano? But now, the Italians are geniuses! Pedals! Never touch a dirty faucet! Just press the pedals!

Ya ever have to Peep? Pee and Poop at exact same time? Gotta sit down and drain my entire body. Why don’t I puke too and I’ll be a fountain of excrement. Yuck.

Yeah, this made me Peep. But it was deliciousness. Squid Spaghetti. Ink is yummy.

Sadly, it was time to go back home.

Speaking of which, ever try to pee on airplane? In turbulence? Man, I can’t guarantee 100% accuracy when I’m on SOLID ground!

Anyway, time to get on the long flight back to NY. But of course, it was not a relaxing flight.

Have you seen this obnoxious person on the plane? Screaming. Spitting. And you know why he can do that? “Cuz I’m a baby!”

Oooh! Babies get away with EVERYTHING!

“I know it’s the middle of the night. But I’m hungry! Feed me. And sing me a song, too. You know why? Cuz I’m a baby!”

“I’ll suck on your wife’s titty, then make you wipe my ass. You know why? Cuz I’m a baby!”

Only 1 little thing on Earth gets away with more than a baby...

"I can pee on the floor, lick my balls, then kiss your face. You know why? Cuz I’m a puppy!"

George Washington before he slayed Goliath and the rest of the British Redcoat army.  Expert Dating Advice Videos by me -- HogWild -- professional dating advice: helpful and hilarious.