Everybody is trying to beat Apple's iPod. Microsoft has its own portable player called the MS Clunky and Sony has the Sony Looks-just-like-an-iPod-but-costs-3-dollars-less player.

Then you have Palm devices, Blackberry, phones that play MP3s... forget all that!

Just for myself and for you special Hogs and Hoggettes, I am building the ULTIMATE HogWild Portable Device!!! Presenting the...

Check out these amazing hogPod features!

* Whopping 2.5 inch crystal clear plasma flat screen display.

NOTE: magnifying glass may be needed to view screen

* Enter notes without the use of a clumsy keyboard or frustrating speech-recognition software!

hogPod is fully equipped with a brand new technology called PnP. (Pen 'n Paper.) Yes! It's finally here! The hogPod has a slot to hold your ball point pen and a full pad of paper is attached to the back of your hogPod! Amazing!

NOTE: Proprietary HogPod paper refills are available for just $37.99! Express yourself with lined paper, unlined, white, off-white, kinda-white or cream!

* hogPod plays the following music formats: MP3, WMA, RA, QT, MP4, and AAC. Does not play Paris Hilton.

* From the menu, choose Procedures, then choose LASIK, for corrective laser eye surgery on the go.

* Your hogPod is also a police radar jammer.

* hogPod comes with 2 sets of wireless headphones. Ear buds for summer and big huge headphones that double as ear muffs in winter.

* hogPod has an air freshener/scrotum deodorizer. Available scents: Vanilla, Cinnamon Apple, and Fresh Scrotum. Because if your scrotum smells like anything OTHER than scrotum... that's weird.

* hogPod is NOT intended for use as a can opener. But try it. What the hell.

* Nifty belt clip.

* Auto-reverse.

* Super Double Dolby® Triple Bass Response with Cranium Carnage Bleeding Ulcer.

* Noise Canceling Headphones (you are absolutely guaranteed not to hear outside noise like fire trucks, ambulance sirens, or an SUV's squealing brakes just before it slams into your legs, crushing you under 7,000 pounds of steel.)

* Teaches you Spanish while you sleep

* Forecasts weather with patented Doppler 1,000,000,000 technology that is guaranteed to be as accurate as your local TV Weather forecast and/or a polar bear flipping a coin.

* Your hogPod is fully stocked with bootleg versions of popular video games!

Play Grand Theft Otto. See that yellow circle? That's Otto. Use Otto to complete exciting missions like eating an entire maze of dots before the those blinking squares (ghosts) get you.

* hogPod phone features: When you enter the number of a new girl, the hogPod phone disables the number for 3 days, preventing you from accidentally seeming like a pathetic, over-anxious lonely loser who is totally desperate for a date. Not that you are, of course.

* hogPod has a top-of-the-line digital clock and AM radio.

* hogPod has a mobile internet connection so you can view important web sites like hogwild.net and interracialanalasianmidgets.com and hogwild.net.

* Includes GPS to help you find what you are looking for!

NOTE: Unless you are looking for your misplaced hogPod. In that case, you're f*cked.

* If somebody shoots you and you die, you can press Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start on your hogPod to bring yourself back to life up to 30 more times.

* hogPod is capable of sending and receiving text messages, instant messages, email, MySpace messages, phone calls, voice mail, telegraph messages, Morse code, and clicking sounds from African tribes. Now if you only had some friends who actually cared enough to contact you...

* hogPod can download and play your favorite movies, TV shows, and music videos. But if you set the download feature to "standard moron" it will auto-download and fill the hard drive with amateur YouTube clips of really fat dudes dancing, guys getting hit in the gonads, and hot girls talking about whatever. And you'll like it.

* And of course, the hogPod can be used to check your blood glucose level.

* While most portable devices can TELL you about sports, the hogPod can be used in sports! hogPod can be safely used as an air hockey puck and it folds out to be a boomerang!

* You can point your hogPod at any television and use it as universal remote control! You can also point your hogPod at people to auto-calculate their HogWild rating.

ex. Point your hogPod at a girl and you will see her official HogWild Rating on the screen. Hotness Rating MINUS Annoying Rating MINUS Psycho Rating = FINAL HOGWILD RATING.

ex. a really hot girl who is pretty damn annoying and a bit psycho: 8 - 5 - 3 = 0

ex. an average girl who is really cool and pretty normal: 6 - 1 - 1 = 4

Point your hogPod at a guy and you will see his official rating. Future Earning Potential DIVIDED by 1000 DIVIDED by Number of times he's cheated.

ex. a Doctor who is a scumbag: 300,000 / 1000 / 20 = 15

ex. a high school Teacher who is somewhat loyal = 30,000 / 1000 / 3  = 10

Now you know why girls stay with rich dudes who cheat.

NOTE: If you're a guy and you point your hogPod at a guy, your hogPod will immediately change its color to lavender.

* hogPod can play sound effects like farting and bird calls and a big WRONG! buzzer sound effect that you can play whenever your sex partner is doing something wrong "down there."

* hogPod has a travel size toothbrush holder... and squeeze the HogPod for your choice of whitening toothpaste, tartar control toothpaste or creamy chocolate fudge (not ADA approved to fight cavities.)

* Congratulations! Your hogPod is also a herpes tester. It will tell you if that is herpes or a butt hole pimple.

* hogPod may also be used as an electric razor.

* Pull out the hogPod toe nail clipper, lighter, and auto-sunflower-seed-opener.

* At the push of a button, get 1 sentence opinions on any topic in current events that you can memorize to sound smart.

* For romance on the fly, your hogPod turns into a candle with your choice of scents: Vanilla, Cinnamon Apple, and Fresh Scrotum.

* hogPod can pause, fast forward and rewind live phone conversations with your girlfriend. Excellent for pausing while you watch sports, fast forwarding through boring parts like "her day at work", and rewinding to catch important details like if you really DID agree to go to that lame get-together at her friend Holly's apartment this weekend.

* Can project movies onto a screen. Especially movies starring Ava Devine.

* hogPod has a Scroll Lock button for unknown reasons-- just like your computer keyboard!

* hogPod can be used as a metal detector wand.

* Eat 3-5 servings of vegetables per day.

* Continually press the Play/Pause button, then rub the wheel pad in small circles to give the hogPod an org@sm.

* If you hold the Up volume button and squeeze the side panel buttons while humming "Ice Ice Baby" you can use the hogPod to microwave popcorn.

CAUTION!: Humming Ice Ice Baby may cause you to get your ass kicked.

* To delay your own org@sm, simply answer the hogPod phone at any time while having sex and carry on a 5 minute conversation. Your sex partner will get mad and leave, thus delaying your org@sm indefinitely.

* hogPod has a decibel level meter to measure loudness in rock concerts, airports, and sounds exiting the back of your pants.

* Before entering an unknown coochie, slide out the hogPod antenna and slip it into the questionable cooter to test the VSL (Vaginal Stank Level.)

NOTE: VSL is calculated as follows: grams of yeast * mold factor + period rust.

* Multi-use Antenna excellent for cleaning out ear wax, clearing pen!s hole of debris, getting gunk out of your back teeth, and improving phone call reception.

CAUTION: Not recommended for use in that order.

NOTE: Phone call reception may be reduced if antenna is not cleaned after any of the other uses.

* Emergency Social Eject Button: When someone who is RFA (Really F*cking Annoying) is talking to you, discreetly press the ESE button. The phone will ring, and an older female voice that is "accidentally" on speaker will shout, "My hip! I need you to help me!"

If this doesn't work to extract your from the painful social situation, press the SESE Button (Super Emergency Social Eject) then hand the hogPod to the RFA person. Run.

The HogPod will detonate within 7 seconds, obliterating all teeth and glass in a 3 foot radius.

NOTE: Pressing the SESE button voids the Lifetime Warranty.

NOTE: Hopefully RFA person doesn't know about pressing Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start or you will be really screwed.

* Makes a great gift!

* Makes a terrible salad dressing! (Too crunchy.)