Da Grammy Awards. Hot Bims (Beyonce) with Ugly Nubs (Jay-Z). 

by HogWild

Beyonce is the hottest singer alive. She’s worked hard for it, too. Remember when she first started? Sure she had H.P. (Hottie Potential) but she was a little chubby. [Don't front. She knew it too. She made a whole song about her "jelly."] But she worked hard to lose the weight. Now she’s got her legs PERFECT. DAAAAMN! I wanna suck on those legs like chocolate fudge pudding pops. YUMMY!

All this just proves that an ugly dude (Jay-Z) with mad bacon bits ($) can get the hot girl (Beyonce).

This ugly bastard once called himself "the black Brad Pitt" in a song. WHO ARE YOU KIDDING?? Thank God, women are attracted to power and wealth more than cheekbones and human size noses. 

So props to Jay-Z for getting "the flyest chick in the game" to wear his chain. Lord knows, I'm also an ugly dude with a nostrils like the Holland Tunnel. That's why I need to make some bank with the quickness.

Were we supposed to believe that Prince was playing the guitar? That was the most unrealistic guitar playing ever. The sound didn’t match his acting. I’ve seen better fake guitar playing on Saturday Night Live.

Why was Quentin Tarantino talking like an uneducated black man from 1998? He actually used the phrase, “The bomb!” What?!!

Ellen’s stammering was not funny. Why was she there? To introduce Melissa Ethridge?

The Beatles cover was WHORE-ibble. Uninspired. It was a good idea, though. But why not 4 young guys? Dave Matthews? Sting? Vince Gill?!! Pharrell on drums?! Thank God they didn’t let Pharrell sing. Because he can’t. Ya ever notice how Sting is everywhere? I guess his new songs suck, so he has to make up for it by being in our faces at all times to remind us that he’s still breathing. 

Christina Aguilera has a great voice. But she needs to go back to blonde. And why was she twitching? Was she wearing a wig? Because either she was wearing a wig or a brunette helmet. Did Christina get new boobs? They were falling out of her dress. I think they were new boobs. I swear I saw a price tag dangling off her nipple. 

She thanked Linda Perry. Who? You know, the woman who wrote “Beautiful.” She’s like “Thank you Linda, where ever you are.” That just shows how writers are treated. I don’t think Christina ever met the writer of her Grammy Award winning song. MAYBE they exchanged an email. Ya think if Christina saw her at the Supermarket, she'd even recognize her? NO! Because at Christina's Supermarket they don't accept coupons! 

John Mayer looked like crap. He still looks like Frankenstein. Everyone who presented was so stiff with that dumb writing. But Matthew Perry’s acting shone through. ROOOOOYT!

No Doubt. Gwen Stefani is still the hottest flat-chested chick alive.

The White Stripes performing at Grammy's? I thought they were like, anti-establishment or something. I was loving the hot drummer’s boobies bouncing as she banged the drums. I’d like to bang her bongos. At the end they rocked it out! Wow! That was cool. 

For Outkast’s first award, only Andre went up. His speech was the BEST acceptance speech EVER! “Thank you.” And then he was gone! What a genius! If only everyone would follow his lead. Instead we have to listen to boring speeches thanking all the Jews that made it possible. (I can say that because my best friend likes smoked salmon. And also because I'm Jewish. And oh yeah, it's a free freakin' country!!) 

Justin Timberlake’s mom is a MILF!! Huge boobies! No wonder J Tims is a pansy. He spent the first 8 years of his life curled up in those warm mama snuggle-bubbles! Lucky bastard. 

I could not believe the big screw-up for Celine Dion’s part. At first I thought it was a miracle from God Himself. Her microphone is muted just as we’re about to be subjected to her shrieking – I mean – singing. And her headphones were all screwed up, too. But damn, she handled it like a pro. I gained respect for that pigeon.

I learned something from the Grammy's . Luther Vandross isn’t dead! Yet.

Madonna’s still looking good. I hate the fake British accent that she still slips into. Hey, moron! You’re AMUUUUURICAN! You’re not English! Stop drinking tea, stop eating biscuits, stop laughing at puns… you’re not English!

Sting’s back up dancers were bootleg. And ugly. Their movements weren’t even coordinated. 

And Ringo Starr looks like a terrorist.