Hog's mom does NOT approve of this article.

Here's what you've been waiting for! My HogWild break-down of the musical event of the year... the Karaoke World Championships! Er, I mean, the Grammy Awards!

No, it seemed like most of the performers were really singing. Here's some of the HogWild highlights:

* Alicia Keys duet with Frank Sinatra to open the show.

Alicia Keys' dress! Wow! I know some lucky bastard had the job of taping her boobies into that dress. It was probably some g@y dude. Man, to get my hands on those snuggle-bubbles, I would go deep undercover as a homothexual double-agent for a year just to make Alica Keys pick me as the one to handle her hooters. Then as I compliment her, telling her she looks Fabulous... I can no longer control my excitement and I yell out, "BOOBIES! I'm touching Alica Keys' talented boobies!"

Sure, I've seen/touched/made-love-to/slept-on/suckled/squeezed/smiled-at boobies before but I've never had the privilege of touching such talented ta-ta's.

NOTE TO WOMEN: I love your boobies, too. It's just that as a guy, it's not everyday that you get to smash your face between 2 soft squeeze 'ums and go "Brrrrrrr-ewski!" while thinking to yourself,"Wow! These breasts have won a Grammy!"

NOTE TO SELF: You are a stupid, stupid man. HA HA HA!

Plus, Alicia Keys sounds intelligent. She's very articulate unlike most pop singers. If you put Alicia Keys vs. Jessica Simpson in a game of Connect Four, Alicia Keys wins 99 games in a row and Jessica Simpson has to be rushed to the hospital for swallowing a red piece.

* Carrie Underwood:

Carrie Underwood was looking hot and she has a hell of a voice. Now, is that a wig? I'm so bad at judging that stuff. I've never been all into Carrie Underwood, but seeing and hearing her sing at the Grammy's... man. Alicia Keys is going to have to share me with Carrie.

NOTE TO EVERYONE: Hey! This is MY fantasy and it can be as unrealistic as I want!

Here is jail-bait Miley Cyrus:

You know who is not within 100 yards of young Miley Cyrus? That's right. R. Kelly and his full bladder.

* GRAMMY LOW-LIGHT: Cranky old Prince. I know every girl on the planet worships him like he's the best midget since the Keebler Elf, but dude is cranky. He made this snide remark about the Frank Sinatra bit earlier in the show saying sarcastically, "Frank Sinatra looks good for being 150."

Prince! Why hate on Frank? Prince himself looks good for 90.

* The artists tend to thank God first. I'm cool with that. Though I wonder has there ever been an atheist who specifically did NOT thank God? Like, "I'd to thank everyone except for that fictional invisible man-made myth in the sky. This Grammy Award is due to hard work, talent, and because I blew Clive Davis in an Avis rental car... NOT because of some supernatural being made of light."

* Tom Hanks was a presenter for some reason. And he talks about The Beatles. He says The Beatles "changed the history of our planet." Um, I think that is a tiny wee bit of exaggeration.

I will give you that The Beatles are the best band ever. The most powerful music ever. The most timeless music ever. Changed the history of our planet? No. You know what changed the history of our planet? A giant meteor that crashed into Earth causing a 10,000 year ice age. Did The Beatles cause the dinosaurs to go extinct?

Music is powerful but last time I checked, despite the Beatles' message of peace there are still wars, murders, and people who talk really loud on their cell phones in the elevator.

And despite The Beatles' message of peace I still have violent thoughts every time I see Yoko Ono.

* Cyndi Lauper was all excited to present the Best New Artist Grammy to Amy Winehouse. Why? Maybe they are crack buddies?

Amy Winehouse had to perform via satellite in London because the US denies crackheads entry to Los Angeles. They already have enough.

* Jason Bateman was REALLY obnoxious. Was he drunk or attempting to be funny? He couldn't even read off of the teleprompter. And he was acting like he was too important for the gig.

Look Mr. Bateman, you're invited to the Grammy Awards and you're introducing the Foo Fighters and they even let you do some "banter." Be appreciative! Remember when your stupid ass was in Teen Wolf Too because Michael J. Fox turned it down? Be grateful you ungrateful schmuck!

* Speaking of schmuck-faces... Kanye West.

I HATE him. No, I will NOT be trendy and claim to like Kanye West or that he has intelligent rhymes. No. He is a moron and a douche.

At the Grammy performance he raps, "You can be my black Kate Moss." WTF?! Why Kate Moss? Because it rhymes? I thought rappers are always talking about "real" girls with natural curves, not anorexic girls with cocaine addictions.

And he's wearing these stupid goggles. Look, I love me some Andre 3000 from Outkast. Kanye West needs to realize he is not Andre 3000. Kanye is a whiny little b!tch. Dude is always complaining or throwing a temper tantrum about something.

And how many commercial references can he get into 1 song? He managed to work in Louie Vuitton, Christian Dior and Klondike. I'm waiting for his new song where he rhymes, "I'm hard like Cialis on my pen!s... and I'm a hot hybrid like the new Toyota Prius!"

He did do one thing right. Kanye knows the key to an outstanding Grammy Performance is 1 - to have lots of smoke shooting up from the stage. 2 - reference someone who has died recently. 3 - have more smoke shooting up from the stage.

Kanye West's tribute to his mom who died was actually very sweet. Kanye was sincere and it was heartfelt. Too bad he's still a douche.

* Fergie and John Legend

Fergie does not sing as well as she thinks she does. She thinks she is Christina Aguilera when she is really Debbie Gibson.

* Beyonce gave a really awesome introduction of Tina Turner. Basically saying that Tina Turner is the most talented R&B singer of all-time. That Tina Turner is the total package. See, Beyonce has class. She is confident enough to know that SHE is the #1 R&B singer at the moment but she can humble herself to give credit to a living legend. The only way Kanye West gives an introduction like that is if he was introducing himself!

Now, I love Tina Turner. And that is why I am so distressed. The woman can still sing. But why is Grandma Turner squeezing into a tight silver outfit?

She looks like a bloated tin can full of botulism. Her outfit was not appropriate for a mature and overweight woman. Just dress a bit more conservatively. She doesn't have to prove anything. She's allowed to look her age and look classy. She's freakin' Tina Turner! No one wants to see Tina Turner's Grandma sag-bags pushed up and out. Let them rest under a sweater with cats on it.

* Song of the Year went to Amy Winehouse for Rehab. It's a song about how a crackhead (her) refuses to accept help for her crack addiction. THAT wins a Grammy? Next year Britney Spears will write a song called "Child Welfare Services."

* The Foo Fighters performance was very whatever. You know what it needed? Smoke shooting up from the stage.

* George Lopez was corny. He did a rip-off of an old Chris Rock joke saying that Obama or Hillary should have a Mexican Vice President so no one will want to kill them lest there be a Mexican President who puts blue-trim on the White House. Zzzzzzzzzzz. You know you might be a Mexican if... a redneck if.... zzzzzzzz. Very innovative stuff. It was a good reminder as to why I don't watch his TV show. I wouldn't watch the George Lopez Show no matter how much smoke shot up from the stage.

* Best Rap Album went to that little b!tch Kanye West. Why? Because he intimidates people into voting for him or else he'll cry and throw a temper tantrum. Other rappers intimidate with Tech 9's. Kanye intimidates with salty tears.

Kanye is a jerk-face douche-ball. And he's SOOOOOO humble. For his acceptance speech he says, "It's good to be back home. The Grammy Awards are our home." Like he expects to win. Then he tells Common not to drop an album the same year as him because he will always win. I know Common is one of those rappers who is all about enlightenment and peace but it's enough to make Common grab a gat and bust a cap in Kanye.

Then Kanye blabbers on during his speech. He directs the director on how to run his show by saying he should turn off the "wrap-it-up" music while he is talking about his mama. Yes, BUT... Kanye would have had PLENTY of time to thank his mother if he did that FIRST instead of using 15 minutes to first thank himself and trash-talk. Did I mention that Kanye is a self-centered douche?

* Aretha Franklin is a living legend...

... and she is also a living Taxi Cab.

* Now that we're at the 17 hour mark of the show, the Grammy Awards are dragging on and being boring. This is where we need Britney Spears. Because Britney would do something really bizarre that we've never seen before like juggling flaming d!ldos or attempting to read to her children.

* Kid Rock sings with some weird old lady.

I have no explanation for this other than that the Grammy producers probably thought it would be an interesting contrast to put Kid Rock with Old-as Rocks. Aaaaaaaw! HA HA HA!

I'm not hating on the old lady. I'm blaming the producers of the Grammy Awards because they put her up and Jerry Lee Lewis and Little Richard singing oldies all the way at the end of the show. What? Why?! They put the part of the show that old people want to watch when the old people are already asleep!

And the Grammy people kept hyping up the Amy Winehouse performance. Why? Is she doing a crackhead duet with Whitney Houston?

Seriously, Amy Winehouse is disgusting. It looks like her cooter is crawling with worms and a discarded Big Mac.

What's shocking about Amy Crackhouse is that she is from what appears to be a good Jewish family. I'm Jewish and I know that Jewish girls don't get tattoos and smoke crack. Crack is not kosher.

The sad thing is that she's actually really talented. Hopefully she can get it together. Maybe one day she will become the Barbra Streisand of homeless crackheads.

And she won Record of the Year for Rehab. Awesome! Now she can throw away her pipe and use her Grammy Award and smoke crack out of it!

Amy Winehouse's performance was pretty good. But you know what would have made it better? That's right... crack smoke shooting up from the stage!

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