The Grammy Awards

by  HogWild

Now, I’ve been as mean as the next guy when it comes to rippin’ on Rosie. You’ve heard all my jokes. Rosie O’Donnell’s DNA includes a cream filling . . . She needs to tie rubber bands around her arms to remind her where her wrists and elbows are supposed to be . . . She’s looks a lot better ever since being de-tusked . . . She’s only anti-guns because she was once shot in the ass by a harpoon . . .

Large and Loud. Much like an Ice Cream Truck.

Yes, yes yes. But I had given her another chance. I watched her TV show with a fresh attitude. And ya know what? It was actually pretty good. I mean sure, we’re talking daytime TV standards here, but it was creative and somewhat partially funny. Rosie was kinda cool. Seemingly somewhat down-to-earth. (Actually she’ll get REAL down-to-earth if you put some candy on the ground.) But whatever, I was cool with Rosie for a while. I had even replaced her with Roseanne for the butt (BIG butt) of all my fat jokes.

But now Rosie has a new place in my heart. I’m not even SURE how I feel about her now. On one hand, I have a greater respect for her. In the other hand, she’s desperately grasping a chocolate scooter pie. 

But like Rosie was ILL on Grammy Night. This was supposed to be a night to honor Music’s best. Instead Rosie-rings-around-her-posie was cracking on the honorees!  The problem is, it wasn’t funny. I mean, she was ripping on people without a PUNCH LINE! She wasn’t even ATTEMPTING to make jokes, she was just angry!

She had one good line, “I don’t want to say Cher is old, but I hear now she’s calling EVERYONE Sonny.” I thought I had heard that on Leno a few times, but what the hell, they all have the same writers anyway. But besides that she was just mean. Maybe they were SUPPOSED to be jokes but they just weren’t funny. Rosie O’DingDongs was like, “Our next presenter is Britney Spears--- go ahead you SLUT!” DAMN! 

Britney Buttocks.

Rosie was about as funny as she is skinny. Like, not at ALL. She was just RUTHLESS with Whitney Houston. Now, I’ve made my jokes and caustic comments about Whitney’s proclivity to puff the pot, but I have to think. If I was hosting a night meant to HONOR Whitney, would I rip on her to her face? If she was a guest on MY show. Yes. But if basically, I’m a guest on HER show, um, hmm. Tough Call. But Rosie busted out with the Song Parodies, the line, “and here’s a big fan of the Doobie . . .”, the main problem was that Rosie’s material just wasn’t hittin’.

Speaking of hittin’, Bobby Brown was in the audience. I guess those allegations that he beat up Whitney were false. She even went so far as to dedicate her Grammy to him! She called him the ORIGINAL King of R&B. PLEASE! BOBBY BROWN?? The King of R&B? Dude, that's like saying Def Leopard was the Original King of Rock. Like Bobby had a few big hit in the 80’s. My Prerogative and that weak Ghostbusters song, but what has he done this side of 1993? Nada. King of R&B!! HA! Bobby MUST have slapped Whitney upside the head a few times to maker her BELIEVE that. Either that or Whitney was just weeded out of her MIND. 

This was my favorite tape for one week in 1988. 

So Rosie has some grapes. That’s what we learned. We also learned that Whitney tried to sell her statue for an ounce after the show. Oh well. But there were a few other highlights as well.

Whitney used The Grammy Statue to smoke a bowl.

Jennifer Lopez came on stage with a Britney Spears dress. Then Rosie cracked on her! Incredibly enough Rosie made fun of Jennifer Lopez’ body! That’s like the pot calling the Whitney black! That’s like Donald Duck making fun of Mike Tyson’s lisp! That’s like Puff Daddy complaining that someone stole his song! 

Oh and Puff got it from Rosie too. She was like, “I hope he’s not packin’ heat.” Listen woman!  You’re not funny, QUIT IT BEFORE PUFF PUTS YOU UNDERGROUND! Man, we all know Puff had Biggie rubbed out so he could sell all those after-death albums. Keep that tish up Rosie and Puff Daddy will be producing YOUR post-mortem Platinum Comedy CD. 

I also learned that Mary J. Blige is most likely NOT a natural blonde. What the hell was SHE thinking. Looked like a yellow mop fell from the sky and landed on her skull! Looked like she swiped Martha Stewart’s wig or something.

That's looks as natural as homosexual monkeys in space.

And what was with them trying to push all this Latin Music on us? Latin Music is the Swing Music of last year. Remember all those Swing bands and the swing clubs that popped up. And EVERY bim had to learn swing dancing. Now what? Big Bad Voodoo WHO? I like different kinds of music. I’m open to new cultures. But this “new” Latin craze is simply played. Being from New York it’s not even new to me. It’s like whenever you can convince Ohioans to like something “exotic” it’s a “craze.” It was like Ricky Martin was popular on every radio station across the U.S. except in Ohio. Ohioans were like, “we ain’t gonna listen to none of them there foreign Hispaniards dirty dancin’ music!” But finally it was too much to stop, so Ohio gave in and now they love Ricky as much as every other state. Martin’s label was ecstatic. “We got Ohio! Now we are officially a “craze”!!!! But it’s like way overplayed now and Ricky Martin has 10,000 bootleg Ricky Martins following his path. From now on the only SALSA I want is with my tortilla chips!

And holy handbags, is it just me or Ricky Martin getting gayer? Weren’t the leather pants a butt munch? Er, a BIT MUCH? And if there is any type of symbolism in this world, it was when Ricky played on stage surrounded by fire. He did it as a coming-out statement. He was enclosed by Fire because he is FLAMING! A flaming queer! Wake up limp-wrists! He is GAY! But that’s fine. He should just come out and end the speculation on the destination of his ejaculation! Then no one, including me, would care anymore about his sexuality. But I guess that’s the point. Every musician must have a gimmick. His is his thexuality. But I’ve figured it out. I’ve figured out who he patterns himself after. Think about it. He’s sexy, a great dancer, teens love him—Ricky Martin is the Gay Elvis!!

And newcomer Macy Gray. She is um, ambiguous isn’t she/he? I heard they weren’t even sure if they should put it in the male or female category. If it was MY Grammy Show, I would have been like, “And now for the category of Best New Hideous BEAST in R&B music . . .”

If Bruce Lee had sex with a Horse who didn't come his hair.

The coolest performance that I saw though (and I did doze off before the end. GOD it was boring) was Sting’s global music type jam. I’m sure we’ll hear it again plus a break beat next year on Puff Daddy’s new CD. And what’s with Phil Collins’ hair? I thought if you use spray-on hair you’re supposed to try to be discreet. Nub painted a PENIS on his head.

There's a Jammy on his dome.

Overall the show was MAD boring. And I’m not just strutting my urban vernacular here. It was SO boring, it got me MAD. I wanted to throw something at my TV for sucking the life out of me while I watched that crap. The only reason I watched it was for you. Yes YOU! You ungrateful swine that visit my net site. I watched it to give you the HogWild report. But do you care? No. But I did it for you anyway!

Well, okay. There was one other, small reason I tortured myself with this program. To see Faith Hill. Damn she’s fine. Sure I clicked mute button to silence her country singing, but it was enough to see her pretty mouth move. Mmmm . . . Damn.

Country Music isn't so bad when you put it on Mute.