JUSTIN: My fantasy baseball team SUCKS and it’s driving me crazy! 

For those of you who have never heard of fantasy sports or don’t know how they work, let me explain. 

It’s basically like Dungeons & Dragons for sports fanatics because you get a bunch of your friends together and draft players to play on your make-believe baseball team. 

Trust me, that same look that girl gave you in fifth grade when you told her how your fifth level paladin slayed the black dragon is the same look she’s going to give you when you tell her how your fantasy first baseman scored 30 points. 

There’s a reason why they call them fantasy sports... because once you get addicted to them your sex life will be nothing but a fantasy.

HOG: HA HA HA!! It’s true!

JUSTIN: Just ask HogWild. He tried to warn me. He told me that Fantasy Baseball kills relationships, but did I listen?  No.  Not that my marriage is in trouble but my sanity sure is.  I can’t even watch a sitcom these days without getting up and checking how my fantasy team’s doing during the commercials. 

HOG: What makes me question your sanity is not Fantasy Baseball, but that you’re watching “According to Jim” and laughing.

JUSTIN:  Courtney Thorne-Smith is a MILF!  At least before I was married...

My wife, she tries to talk to me, but while she’s telling me all about how her boss is a d!ck and the b!tch sitting next to her is trying to steal her job, I’m desperately trying to figure out why the hell Scott Rolen can’t get A HIT! 

HOG: Well, that’s totally normal. No man wants to hear his woman complain about her job.

Every time my girl complains about her office, I say:

“Dang it! Y’all women are the ones who wanted to work in the first place! If it was up to me, all y’all complaining would be limited to the kitchen! … and uh, the bedroom. I’m sorry ‘bout last night, sweetie. I was just real excited or somethin'."

 

JUSTIN: When I’m at work I try and stay focused, but most of my lunch hour is spent wolfing down leftovers and scouring the waver wire for unknown sluggers to save my season!

HOG: Remember the good old days when you spent your lunch hours drooling over statistics like 36-24-36 instead of 31-102-.310?

You've got a real problem when you spend more time examining HIS figures...

...than HER figure:

JUSTIN: Are you asking yourself, "How the hell do you get points from a fantasy player and why do guys care about it so much?"  Well, we care, because as men (and even HogWild) we love to compete. 

HOG: HEY! HEY! I said, HEY! I am all man!

Don’t make me whip out my clitoris! I mean, penis. Seriously, I have a penis.

JUSTIN: Whether it’s playing pool, bragging about women or playing against each other’s fantasy teams we HAVE to win! 

Not because winning a make-believe game is all that we care about, but because we know that if we lose to one of our friends that we’re going to get teased unmercifully until we gain back the upper hand. 

Kind of like when a girl goes out shopping and finds a great pair of shoes on sale and then brags to all of her friends about what a great shopper she is. 

As far as her and her friends are concerned she’s the world’s greatest shopper.  Until one of her other friends goes out and finds a nice pair of thong panties on sale that make her look like Eva Longoria, then she’s the best.

ABOVE: The best.

NOTE TO MY GIRLFRIEND: Just kidding. YOU are the best. Please don't kill in me in my sleep.

JUSTIN: Men are super competitive just like women. It’s just that we don’t take our tops off and pillow fight after the game.

HOG: Neither do girls, dude. I know. I couldn’t believe it either!

But I asked my girl about it, and she says that chicks don’t really settle arguments by unhooking their bras and slapping each other with their oiled up breasts.

It sucks man. Now I totally have no interest in voting for an all-female House of Representatives.

JUSTIN: It's like you just told me that there is no Santa Claus!

Now if the worth of a man were judged by his fantasy team, we’d be living in a pretty sad world but luckily it’s not, because most men who play fantasy baseball also have a real favorite baseball team that they cheer for.

HOG: Uh-oh. Now it DOUBLE-sucks for you. Because the only way your Texas Rangers win the World Series is if all the other teams are visiting southern Italy at the same time when the Mount Vesuvius volcano explodes and every single Major League baseball player is melted and only their caps are seen floating atop the burning red lava. And then I still think the Minor League Toledo Mudhens would kick the Rangers’ ass.

JUSTIN: Well you just wait...we're gonna...ummm...Hey at least I'll have your company while watching the World Series because the only way the Mets are making it to the Series is if the Yankees need extra bat boys!   Oooooooooooh.

HOG: Dude, I don't know if you heard. But the Yankees just signed the best bat boy in the league... Mark Teixeira. Sorry, looks like you lost your All-Star 1st baseman to become the Yankees $27 million dollar helmet shiner.

Speaking of a helmet shiner, here is a hot picture of Eva Longoria delivering a hard slider up and in.

JUSTIN: This totally throws a wrench in the works because when you have a baseball team made up of fantasy players from different cities sooner or later you’re going to have one of them competing against your own team. 

Then who do you cheer for? 

Do you stay true and pull for the hometown or do you sell out for fantasy points? 

It’s a very thin line to tread but somehow men walk that line every day and if by some chance you can hold a relationship together at the same time then you’re a better man than most. So please ladies please be patient with us.

HOG: Back when I was a born-again-virgin, um, I mean in a Fantasy Baseball League… I would root for my home team to just barely win over my Fantasy Players.

For example, if I had Albert Pujols on my Fantasy Team, I would hope that he went 5 for 5 with 5 grand slams and 20 RBIs but that the New York Mets still won the game 21-20. And that’s why they call it Fantasy Baseball.

And yes, women, ya gotta understand why we do this. It’s so we don’t cheat on you.

It keeps our minds occupied with third-base coach signals instead of flirting signals. We’re concentrating on pitching, instead of pitching a tent in our pants.

I ask you, isn’t better that we bring home RBI’s rather than STD’s?

We’re not staying out late with women at bars… we’re staying out late with MEN at bars!

JUSTIN: Cue the music:  "It's raining men...hallelujah!"

HOG: No, um, us men are watching baseball together. You know, guy stuff. Damn it! You know what I mean!

I’m as straight as the 1^st base line! I would never touch another man’s Foul Pole! Or dig into his batter’s box. Or throw some warm-up pitches in his bullpen…

JUSTIN: I hear you... besides when you're "Checking your scores" you know you're checking out Pillowfightingvixens.com! 

HOG: I’m just saying Fantasy Baseball is good because it replaces horniness with dorkiness. Because previously, we were horny dorks, and now we’re just dorks.