*** DATING TIPS FOR GUYS ***

* Just relax and be yourself. The yourself who is 2 inches taller, makes $100,000, and is 15 pounds lighter. Just like your online profile.

* Under no circumstances should these phrases ever leave your mouth on date:

1 - "…and that's why the courts ordered that I be castrated."

2 - "You didn't happen to tell any friends or family or the police that you we're meeting me here, did you?"

* Start looking and feeling good in advance. The best way to build confidence right before your big date is to have a quick date that goes really well with a much more attractive woman.

But since that won't happen, have your mom give you a pep-talk. And thank her again picking out your clothes.

* Have mom choose clothes that are appropriate for where you're going. Many dance clubs have "black lights", so this will be the perfect opportunity to show off your impressive "New York City at Christmas" dandruff display.

* Be punctual. You may not be all that attractive or interesting or funny or pleasant or cute or mysterious or fun or personable or talented or charismatic or athletic or artistic or successful but at least you show up on time. You are the Union Worker of the dating world.

* Gentlemen, this is the age of the Metrosexual. This means it is okay to use make-up to cover-up your acne. And if you do that, you should also cover-up your pen!s with make-up and paint on a v@gina because you're a sissy-girl.
 

* Before your date, do not waste time (as you normally do) downloading copious amounts of p*rn. Make your date feel special, by downloading select amounts of special p*rn.

* Gentlemen, those socks stuffed down your pants should look subtle. You should not stuff so many socks down your pants that people think you might be growing a giant groin-tumor.
 

* Rehearse the phrase, "I just got tested" until it sounds natural.

* Guys, to prepare for the date, make yourself a nice warm bath. Add some bubbles. Play soft music. Light candles.

Note: Only do this if your date is with another guy.
 

 

*** DATING TIPS FOR GIRLS ***

* Ladies, make-up should look subtle. You should not use so much make-up that you could be confused with a certain fast food chain's spokesclown.

* Girls, brush your teeth and swish with a minty mouthwash. Not only will this improve the smell of your breath, but it will make your date's penis taste more like a candy cane and less like a piece of sweaty beef jerky.

* For good luck, pray to the one-legged Goddess Buddha Earth Mother or whatever trendy voodoo spiritualism you chicks are into these days.

* Think positively. Just because you've failed in every relationship up to this point doesn't mean that this person will also rue the day you met.


* Avoid boring conversation topics such as traffic and weather. Instead, ask your date open-ended questions like, "Where were you on the night of December 12th?!" Follow up with more and more questions. You will know it's going well if your date begins to sweat under the powerful light you're shining into his eyes.

TIP: If you receive an unsatisfactory answer, be sure to slam your hand onto the restaurant table, then stand up, begin pacing around, then get right in his face and yell, "Listen here, creep! If you want a second date, then you will tell me the truth! I'm only going to ask you one last time… "Do… you… like… cats?!!!"