How much is your Class Action Lawsuit Worth?

When a lot of  people get pissed off about something, lawyers like them to band together and testify in court for what's called a Class Action Lawsuit. So now litigants are winning millions of units against Cigarette companies just by claiming ignorance and whining, "Who knew that cigarettes were bad for you?" And the juries buy it! Now, I'm all for gutting those bastard cigarette companies, but what I'm sayin' is that when people see the big jackpot, they're gonna start suing other forms of common air pollution. So I KNOW ma Hogz are just like me and if the bacon bits are callin', you're gonna go for it. So I'm gonna tell you just how much your stupid class action lawsuit is worth.  

CASE #1

Busses have been farting their filthy fumes in people's faces for years!

Your claim: Who knew that purposely sucking up a lungful of carbon monoxide could cause permanent mental damage?

You sue: the Bus companies for pain, suffering and chunks of fecal exhaust in your hair.

You will win: $30 million

Plus to get out all that bus doody out of your hair, you have to rinse not once but twice! This adds up to wicked shampoo bills. 

CASE #2

Today's dance clubs spend so much money on high-tech sound systems and lighting that they can no longer afford to hire a Janitor! That's why their dirty restrooms curdle your blood and singe your nose hairs.

Your claim: Who knew that untreated human excrement carries disease?

You sue: all Janitors because their high-priced consultant fees are too expensive for the low profit entertainment business.

You will win:  $40 billion

You remove your gym clothes from your locker at the end of the year without  the use of protective goggles and a lead apron.

Your claim: Who knew that providing a perfect habitat for mildew and bacteria was  deleterious to your well-being? Who knew what "deleterious" even means?

You sue: The Schools for supplying text books and pencils instead of supplying you with something really necessary like a silver nuclear waste-removal uniform.

You will win: $600 billion

It's not your fault that your commute requires you to drive through New Jersey!

Your claim: Who knew that living in a state known for Industry might create hazardous smog?

You sue: the State for allowing manufacturers to employ thousands in their factories.

You will win: $100 billion

CASE #5

While performing community service at an old age home, several residents make mudslides. Outrageous! You came here to do a good deed, not play "Guess what Irving's got in his Diaper?"

Your claim: Who knew that poor bladder control adversely affects the sinuses?

You sue: all the old bastards for their life savings.

You will win: $12 billion

Your man shows up for your date without a shower, right after playing basketball. You're infected by the untreated raw sewage that's been festering in your boyfriend's armpits.

Your claim: Who knew that intense body odor causes dizzy spells?

You sue: Seventeenie Magazine for filling its pages with useless crap about romance and diets instead of warning you about the PITfalls of teenage dating.

You will win: $600 billion

You get stuck driving behind a piece-of-crap car in desperate need of a junk yard funeral.

Your claim: Who knew that speeding with your head hanging out the open window with your mouth wide open could potentially allow toxins and toxin-covered bugs to fly down your throat?

You sue: the City for making Public Transportation so unpleasant that this schmuck would rather humiliate and endanger himself by driving this rattling death trap.

You will win: $400 billion

You get a lecture from your teacher right after her lunch period.

Your claim: Who knew that directly inhaling the exhaling of another human being could aid in the spreading of airborne germs?

You sue: the major toothpaste companies for clearly failing to provide an adequate supply of their product in your teacher's neighborhood.

You will win: $250 billion

While looking at HOGWILD.NET, nasty smells start crusting out of your PC speakers and your eyes start burning.

Your claim: Who knew that looking at virtual burning "trash" could kill crucial brain cells?

You sue: HogWild 

You will win:  12 monthly installments of 83 cents. You think I gots more bacon bits than that! Puhleaze! 

I plead Temporary Insanity! No! PERMANENT Insanity! At a young age, I was kicked in the head by a ninja ballerina!

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