1- The office holiday party is a great opportunity for you to show your co-workers the more social and fun side of your personality. If you do not have a social and fun side to your personality, hang out with Accounting.

2 - Yes, at the office holiday party your only “work” is to shmooze, drink on the company dime, and chat it up with the most attractive people in the room. If you are in Marketing, today is “business-as-usual.”

3 - The office holiday party is also a great opportunity to talk to people you rarely interact with on a day-to-day basis. For instance, you may see the engineers talking to the receptionists. After 2 - 3 minutes of awkward, choppy, pause-riddled conversation, you will understand why these 2 groups should be restricted to hallway head nods.

WARNING: If the conversation exceeds 3 minutes there will be a desperate random grasping for things in common and the conversation will turn to traffic and weather and other exciting topics typically covered by AM radio.

4 - Loosen up your tie, let down your hair.

NOTE TO MEN: This does NOT mean to remove your toupee.

5 - At some point, somebody will shout in frustration, “This party is soooo lame!” and then pull out a joint and a hacky sack.

DON’T let this somebody be you.

UNLESS you are employed in San Francisco.

Here are some Do’s and Don’ts:

  DO the office slut

DON’T do the boss’s daughter

UNLESS she is the office slut.

DO drink

DON’T get wasted

UNLESS drinks are free... because if you don't, then the only thing getting wasted is free alcohol.

DO have fun

DON’T really have fun

UNLESS you are already planning to change careers.

DO drink socially

DON’T wear one of those beer helmets with the 2 straws in your mouth

UNLESS you work for the NFL

  DO turn down offers to try Ecstasy pills

DON’T offer cocaine as an alternative

UNLESS you are employed by the Hollywood Screen Actors Guild

Don’t talk about people behind their backs. Tell ‘em to their face! Why not? You’re drunk! Besides you’re only telling the truth. Everyone knows Tina is a slut who f*cked her way to the top of the Gerfelderg Account!

6 - RULES TO REMEMBER: What happens in the office holiday party’s bathroom STAYS in the office holiday party’s bathroom.

7 - Ladies, you may get too drunk at the office holiday party and fling your panties at the boss. For your sake, take the preventative measure of not wearing panties to the party. Be sure to tell everyone. But talk is cheap. Prove it.

8 - If you are constantly refreshing your drink, you will earn the reputation as the office lush. Instead, hold the same drink all night, taking tiny sips. Then secretly go to the bar, slam Tequila shots, then return to the conversation with that same full glass.

9 - More DO’S & DON’TS:

DO go to the office holiday party to get ahead

DON’T go to the office holiday party to get head

UNLESS you are a tenured professor because, really, what the hell can anybody do about it?

Don’t go trying to pick up that new office hottie. The office holiday party is not a singles bar. It’s a biker bar. Start fights and break sh!t.

WOMEN:

DO dress a bit more festive than you would at the office

DON’T wear revealing clothing

UNLESS you want that raise, my little buttercup. Heh heh heh.

MEN:

DO dress a bit more relaxed than you would at the office

DON’T wear revealing clothing

UNLESS you want that raise, my little buttercup. Heh heh heh.

DO talk about things other than work

DON’T talk about your genitals

UNLESS you’re in the P*rn Industry, but that would be talking about your work, so talk about something else like banana splits or big ripe tomatoes or how you have to jiggle your key into the lock or how the beer they serve comes in real nice cans or...

Now is the time to show your sense of humor! Be sure to tell jokes that are offensive to certain ethnic groups. When a co-worker of that ethnicity walks by, indicate this to the group with a clearly audible, “SHHHHHHHH!!!! Here’s one now! Tee-hee-hee!” This kind of behavior applies double if you work for the United Nations.

DO speak in a more relaxed manner

DON’T use foul language

UNLESS you are whispering it into the ear of a co-worker with a hand on the crotch

DO ask before bringing a significant other

DON’T bring uninvited guests

UNLESS they are strippers

WATCH as Accounting begs the strippers for receipts for tax purposes

LISTEN to Tina shout “I can do better than that!” as she rips off her bra to expose tassel-twirling boobies and tears off her panties to reveal her "accounts receivable" covered only by a single yellow post-it note.

LAUGH as the hacky sack game ends abruptly

STARE as the engineer pulls the giggling receptionist into the bathroom

RUN to the bar to get that Tequila shot

PLAN to change careers.

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