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Drunk Santa Answers Your Letters:

* Santa, do all the reindeer really have their own names?

- Jack, age 7

Of course! They're all different! Every reindeer has his own special personality and you can really taste the difference in the steaks.

* Dear Santa, how can you build so many toys so quickly?

- Sue Ellen, age 7

Ho Ho Ho! Because of my famous hard-working little helpers... the Chinese.
 

* Mr. S. Claus, This letter will serve as a notice. You're being audited.

-Mikey at the IRS, age 42

Ho Ho Ho! This igloo in the North Pole not only shelters me from the cold, but from U.S. Tax Laws!
 

* Santa, do you really deliver toys to every child in the world in a single magical night?

-Robby, age 5

As mandated by the courts, Santa only delivers toys to children he's fathered. It only seems like the whole world! P.S. If I'm not mistaken, your mother is a waitress named Sheila in Muncie, Indiana. Well, I'll certainly be at your house!

* Dear Santa Claus or Current Resident:

Victoria’s Secret is having its Once-a-Year Sale on Wonder Bras!

Ho Ho Ho! Santa is keeping this catalogue of lingerie-wearing babes hidden from my old lady, Mrs. Claus! Because the only thing worse than Mrs. Claus discovering that I m@sturbate to this catalogue would be her ordering and WEARING something from this catalogue. Ugh!

* Dear Santa Claus, One of the older girls at school says you're not real. Are you?

- Feliza, age 6

Either I am real or you're a schizophrenic who writes imaginary letters to herself. Either way, go make yourself useful and fetch Santa a cold beer will ya?

* Dear Santa, why is the sky blue and what happens to us when we die?

-George, age 9

Ho Ho Ho! For your Christmas gift this year, I am going to find your father. Because why else would you be asking Santa these questions? Either you have no father or you do not have access to Wikipedia. On second thought, yeah, I’ll just get you a laptop.

* Dear Santa, Can you explain the birds and the bees?

- Tommy, age 10

Sure! But late night cable television programming does a much better job! Enjoy!

* Dear Santa, All my life I’ve always wanted a puppy. Will you please send me one?

- Joey, age 39

Ho Ho Ho! Joey, you are the only non-retarded 39 year old who still lives at home and writes me letters. I am sending you the Help Wanted section of the newspaper for Christmas. Get a job, you bum! Merry Christmas!

* Dear Santa, My little baby brother died this year. I really miss him, Santa. I really do. For Christmas, I don’t want any toys or dolls. All I want is my brother back.

- Jill, age 6

Ho Ho Ho! Jill, think of it this way: life is a short bittersweet adventure. Treasure each moment. Give love to all. Because one day… we all die. Except for me.

* Dear Santa,

You have been pre-approved for a Platinum Plus Credit Card from Chase Bank and Visa! And for a limited time only your credit transfers will carry a 0.0%* interest rate!

* Interest rate is variable and increases to a daily compounding rate of 39.99%. Over the limit fees are $49. At any time, we may contact your bank, and switch all your money for SkyMiles on a soon-to-be out-of-business Airline of our choice.

Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas!!! And don’t forget to go f*ck yourself!

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