I hate bugs. Ever since I was kid growing up in the Bronx, I've hated bugs. Because in the winter our apartment was so cold and dirty that the cockroaches would be ice skating on the toilet water. It was like Roach-a-feller Center.

So when I found out I had bugs in my apartment, I started freaking out! But exterminators are expensive! Luckily, I have a comedy buddy (he's a clown) who is a part-time exterminator.

Well, he must've just finished a gig because he and 12 clown friends come into my place -- all decked out in their clown costumes. The make-up, the red noses, the crazy orange hair. And they each have this huge canister of poison. Then they start running around my apartment! But instead of using the huge canister of poison to SPRAY the bugs, they are using the huge canisters to physically smash the bugs. Meanwhile, another clown is stomping on bugs with his giant clown shoes.

ME: What the hell are you guys doing?! Don't you have any real poison?

MY CLOWN FRIEND: Of course we do! Here's some!

Then he squeezes the flower on his shirt and it squirts in my face!

ME: Aaaaaah!

MY CLOWN FRIEND: Just kidding! That's only water! You're silly!

I got fed up with them, so I kicked them out. How hard can it be to kill some bugs? I can do this myself!

Now, I don't know anything about the science of exterminating bugs. But you know who does? Google.

So I read up and I find out what chemicals I need to buy. Unfortunately, I mixed the chemicals incorrectly. See, here's what I learned. One of the ingredients in bug poison is a bug pheromone that attracts the bugs so they eat the other poisonous chemical. Well, I kinda put way too little poison and way too much pheromone. So now I have bugs from all over New York City coming to check out my place and hook up with each other.

I basically created a bug singles bar.

Now there's 2000 bugs in a line, waiting to get into my house. At the door is huge bug holding a clipboard and checking I.D.'s. I get inside my apartment and music is thumping. There are cockroaches wearing gold chains and cologne. Ants in mini-skirts and high heels.

Now when us humans go to a singles bar we might have a one night stand. Bugs don't do that. In one night, bugs choose a partner, have sex, and have 8 million baby bugs. Then those bugs have 8 million more baby bugs.

Bugs would show up at my place at 2 AM like, "Damn, bro! I told you we should've got here earlier! All the hot bugs are already grandparents!"

Now I'm really freaking out. I mix all the chemicals I have! Then you hear BOOM! People on the street could see a mushroom cloud coming out my window.

I have to go to the hospital. I'm in a full body cast. Only my face is exposed.

ME BARELY ABLE TO TALK: I blew myself up. And I may never walk again. But at least I'm away from those evil bugs!

And that's when a fly... landed on my nose.

Noooooooooo!