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Baseball Jokes: Why
the New York Mets Must Lose For the Sake of Humanity + Jessica Alba Corks Derek
Jeter's Bat
Serious Sports + Seriously Twisted Humor
Justin Sanders with HogWild
JUSTIN: BASEBALL IS BACK! And
every team is even at the start of the season. It’s the time of year
where fans everywhere are excited about the upcoming
season... That is unless you live
in Kansas City, Arizona, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, Seattle, Cincinnati,
Washington, Colorado, Tampa Bay or Miami, Florida.
In that case you should fill a cooler of beer and either
check out your local minor league team or become heavily invested in
your child’s T-ball league.
It’s like when I was young and I was the
star of my T-ball league and…wait that was you Hogster. I played
Little League with all of the rest of the boys my age.
HOG: I did not play T-ball!!! It was Little League!
And I was the reserve outfielder on the 1988 Co-op City All-Star
Team. What!!! Yes, the same Co-op City Little League that
produced Major Leaguer Stan Jefferson who started a string of 6
games in 1989. So there!
ABOVE: 14 year old HogWild. This
is the year we won the Bronx Championship! (In a controversial game
called early due to weapons. No, I'm not kidding.)
JUSTIN: This year’s contenders consist of the Chicago Cubs…
wait a minute the Cubs are going to suck too…but Cubs fans
still have 2 things going for them.
1 - Your cross town rivals just won the
World Series and
2 - You’ve made it 98 years with
out a title so what’s another year of suffering?
HOG: Ouch! Tough talk Mr. Texas Rangers Fan. The 2
most notable things in Rangers history are:
1 - Signing Alex Rodriguez for $252 trillion dollars and
2 - Allowing George W. Bush to run your team about as
well as he’s running the War in Iraq.
JUSTIN: Don't forget the camera man killer Kenny
Rogers.
As for the real contenders for the World
(as long as the by world you mean the United States) Series here are
the clubs to keep an eye out for:.
Chicago White Sox: Not only are they the Defending Champs
but they’ve got the funniest manager in the Major Leagues! He’s
like a cross between Simon Cowell and Freddie Prinze, only
this guy knows how to coach and his team is “looooking good.”
HOG: If funniness was a real qualification for Manager
then Bobby Valentine (who once wore a Groucho Marx moustache
and glasses disguise in the dugout) would be in the Hall of Fame
instead of coaching the Makizushi Futomaki Hosomaki Temaki Spicy
Tuna Marines in Japan.
JUSTIN: Of course in any heartwarming movie about baseball
you need to have a villain so I guess we should talk about the
Yankees! This year their two hundred million dollar line
up looks like an All Star team but their pitching staff looks like
the cast for Space Cowboys. Seriously, Randy Johnson’s love child
is old enough to be a baseball groupie (in most states) but if
they can avoid injuries they’ll be tough to beat this year.
HOG: Looks like Randy Johnson really has a… Randy Johnson.
Cheerio! Pass me a crumpet!
JUSTIN: Top Drawer old man! Of course if we mention the Yanks
we have to mention the Sox. They’ve got a revamped pitching staff
and some new faces in the outfield so keep an eye on them. But then
again when you have a $150 Million Dollar payroll shouldn’t
you be a contender?
It’s to the point where watching the
Red Sox play the Yankees is like watching two frat boys fight
over a sorority chick. Sure, the rest of us would love to make a
run at her but in the end our daddies just didn’t have the money to
bankroll our plights.
HOG: HA HA HA!! Except instead of doing keg
stands, they are doing Steroid Stands – Giambi is
upside down gulping pills from a huge barrel. Sheffield is
two-fisting cans of Human Growth Hormone.
In Boston, you’ve got:
Curt Schilling: PLEDGE! Fetch me my Metamucil! And don’t
forget my prune juice.
JUSTIN: Also look out for the Cleveland Indians, Oakland
Athletics, Toronto Blue Jays and possibly even the Texas
Rangers! That’s right, I threw my team in there HogWild because
in the end, I still believe they can do it! But then again I haven’t
drank in a month so I could just be delirious!
HOG: Haven’t been drinking? By picking the Rangers you are
ADMITTING you are drunk.
Unless you’re sniffing the pine tar
again.
And dude, Cleveland will never
win because they are under the Curse of the Wahoo. As long as
they have a Native American as their mascot, they will never win. Of
course they never won much WITHOUT Chief Wahoo, either. I think the
best solution is for the team to fold and re-open as a class AAA
minor league affiliate of the Yankees. You know, like
Seattle.
JUSTIN: On the National League side of things we should
probably start with the St. Louis Cardinals and the
Atlanta Braves because not only will they both have great
records this season but they’ll both probably choke in the playoffs
for the second year in a row! Ouch!
HOG: I believe it was Shakespeare who spoketh,
“’Tis better to have choked and lost, then to have never choked on a
strawberry glazed doughnut with rainbow sprinkles at all.”
Shakespeare rules.
JUSTIN: And I believe it was Homer Simpson that said,
"Mmmm, doughnuts."
That leaves us with last year's
National League Champions, the Houston Astros, who should
make a run at the title as long as they don’t have to play the New
York Mets or the Los Angeles Dodgers.
HOG: I think the Astros should go back to those old uniforms
with orange, red and yellow stripes because they looked like giant
Skittles.
JUSTIN: The Mets are totally reloaded this year. They
also have the pitcher that broke the Boston curse, Pedro
Martinez. If he can stay healthy and they can get some decent
innings out of Billy Wagner in the bullpen they could be
celebrating a title this year.
HOG: The last time the Mets celebrated a title:
1 - The Chernobyl Nuclear Power plant melted down
2 - The Challenger blew up and
3 - The Oprah Winfrey show went national.
For the sake of the humanity,
we can only hope the Mets lose.
JUSTIN: How can you cheer for YOUR OWN team to lose Wild Hog?
Or his this reverse psychology HogWild? Anyway, you should also keep
an eye on long shots Milwaukee, Philadelphia and San Francisco
because you never know in the National league!
HOG: You know those 3 cities have the teams with the
stupidest names.
Milwaukee Brewers. Because they
Brew beer? Why name a team after a profession? Why not the Milwaukee
Cheesemakers? Or the Milwaukee Wal-Mart Junior Associates?
The Phillies? Because that’s what people from Philly are
called? That’s like naming a team, The New York New Yorkers. Or the
Detroit Detroiters. Detroitoids? Detroiticons?
And San Francisco Giants? What the hell does that mean? Only
one player on the team is a giant. And to get that big he is no
longer a giant where it counts.
ABOVE: Venus Williams is looking
better than usual. Oh wait. Damn. That's Barry Bonds in drag.
JUSTIN: So you’re probably sitting there thinking to
yourself, “Hey, what if I live in a city with a crappy team or
even worse, no team at all, what do I do?”
I’m glad you asked. For all the casual
fans out there here are a few individual highlights to look forward
to this season.
The Human Bobble Head Barry Bonds will try and pass the Human
Bobble Belly Babe Ruth this year for second place on the all
time home run leader board. Fans across the country will be
watching weekly as Barry’s home run total and hat sizes grow bigger
and bigger!
HOG: This guy should never have been allowed to pass
Willie Mays on the home run list. Now he wants to cheat
his way past Babe Ruth and Hank Aaron? Hell no. Why can’t
everyone just agree to throw the ball at his weak knee every time?
I think at some point this season, Bonds will succumb to the
pressure of fans ripping on him and his hard exterior will
crack open and the real Bonds – a 12 inch rat –
will jump out of his steroid-juiced human exoskeleton and will run
around the field squealing, “It’s not fair! It’s not fair!”
Then Derek Jeter will trap him
under a helmet and feed him to George Steinbrenner.
JUSTIN: Jimmy Rollins will be continuing his challenge to
Joe DiMaggio’s 56 game hitting streak. Although it should be
noted that Joey D set his record in one season and also banged
Marilyn Monroe -- both of which will probably never be
duplicated in my lifetime. But give Jimmy some credit he’s on fire
at the plate…or at least he was last year so keep an eye on this
Philly Philly.
HOG: Dude, I hope no bangs Marilyn Monroe in your
lifetime. She’s been dead for years. At this point she’s almost as
skinny as Nicole Richie.
JUSTIN: For the record, Derek Jeter has not only won a
handful of championships but he also had sex with Jessica
Alba. If he ever has a 57 game hit streak I think the
Yankees should have his bat bronzed. And yes, I just added that last
part so you'd throw in a picture of Jessica Alba!
HOG: Dude, Derek Jeter has
ALREADY had his bat bronzed! By Jessica Alba!
ABOVE: A photo that will make my
girlfriend mad at me and probably cost me the Fun-Dip this weekend.
I hope you @$$holes appreciate this! :)
JUSTIN: Will Roger Clemens
retire or will he play again this year and who what team will he be
pitching for?
Actually who cares because I just
read that Roger Clemens puts
icy hot on his crotch
before games so that he doesn’t get overly comfortable during games
and keeps his edge. Yikes! I got icy hot on my balls (do you really
want me to explain this one?) one time and spent the next hour in
the bath tub crying like a bitch while furiously trying to wash it
off my sack. So my hats off to Roger! He’s a bad motherf*cker!
HOG: I think they should investigate Clemens for steroids.
The guy had one of the best seasons of his career last year
at age 102. Plus he’s putting icy hot on his bozak.
That’s not normal.
The only other athlete to put icy-hot on
his jammy was Wilt “I-had-sex-with-10,000-women” Chamberlain.
But that was doctor’s orders to keep down the swelling.
JUSTIN: Get your grills ready because America’s Pastime is
back!
HOG: ♫
Buy me some Peanut and Cracker Jack
I don’t care if Clemens comes back
Or about Bonds’ shrunken sack
Or fat David Wells’ Big Mac Attack
Or Randy Johnson’s love shack
Or if Doc Gooden is back on crack…
Cause it’s 1, 2, 3 strikes yer out
At the old ball game!
More Funny HogWild Rants and Jokes
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