JUSTIN: Well since baseball season is up and kicking I think it’s time we took a look at one of my favorite pastimes, THE BASEBALL BRAWL!

HOG: Nothing is better than watching multi-millionaires slap each other. These guys are too rich to "brawl." They shouldn't "brawl" they should "duel."

DAVID ORTIZ: I challenge ye, to a duel of honor.

Then he slaps the pitcher in the face with his batting gloves and the 2 of them engage in a fencing competition.

JUSTIN: Last week Pedro Martinez pegged 3 players from the Washington Nationals in 1 game almost inciting a bench clearing brawl.  Now while it would’ve been cool to have seen the fight, the season is young and we are bound to see one sooner or later. 

HOG: Yes, but it will be when slutty ass Anna Benson starts heckling her ex-husband from the stands.

I didn't know Anna Benson has 3 kids! She's definitely in next year's March MILF Madness tournament!

JUSTIN: This is cool, because baseball is the only sport these days that offers entertaining fights. 

HOG: Yeah! And you should see the fights in my FANTASY Baseball League. I was minding my own business making photocopies, when this guy in my office (who is also in the Fantasy Baseball League) threw a hardball right into the middle of my back!

He said it was retaliation for what my Fantasy Player did to his Fantasy Player the night before.

No, there’s no violence. But we do have Fantasy Baseball Fights. We settle them by rolling a 12 sided die and multiplying it by the player’s health and strength points. Then we all laugh so heard from our throats that we have to adjust our thick black-rimmed glasses that are being held together with masking tape.

JUSTIN: Football is out because there’s too much padding to do any damage, basketball players fight like big awkward girls, no one watches hockey and boxing sucks because none of the good fights are ever on regular cable, so that leaves us with Baseball. 

There’s something special about baseball brawls when two players go at it and the benches clear, followed by both dugouts emptying onto the field, it’s like a 2Pac video come to life.

HOG: Now if only 2Pac could come to life.

 

JUSTIN: For example one of the best brawls in baseball history happened back in 1965 when Juan Marichal got  tired of the Dodger’s catcher John Roseboro buzzing him with his throws back to the pitcher.  How did Juan react? He simply whacked Roseboro in the head with his bat Soprano’s style, opening up a two-inch gash that took 14 stitches and started a bench clearing brawl that lasted 14 minutes.  Now that’s entertainment!

HOG: That sounds cool! And I thought the 1960s were all about peace and Koom-ba-ya.

You know, last night I lasted 14 minutes. Sure, my girlfriend was only in the room for 1 of those minutes, but like, whatever.

JUSTIN: Another one of my favorites happened in a Triple AAA Durham Bulls game on get this, “Strike Out Domestic Violence” night! 

Well that night the cause struck out because after Salem Warthogs pitcher Jason Kummerfeldt tagged three Bulls in one inning, it started a brawl that ended with a kick to Salem pitcher Glen Cullops' face that resulted in a broken jaw and five less teeth.  I guess he just didn’t know when to shut his damn mouth…

HOG: Awesome! So on Domestic Violence Night, does everyone receive a free wife-beater t-shirt?

Salem Warthogs. I like that name for a baseball team. That used to be my nickname for my Jammy. But then I got a prescription.

JUSTIN: The most memorable brawl that I’ve seen though was in the 2003 American League Championship when Pedro Martinez plucked a Yankee batter and both benches cleared. 

Why was this one my favorite? Because just when things started to settle down, Don Zimmer, the Yankees 72 year old pitching coach, charged Pedro “Beanie Baby” Martinez with murderous intentions, only to be grabbed by his head and thrown to the ground! 

It was a moment straight out of the WWE that could have only been topped if Jason Giambi had come out of the dug out and hit Martinez over the head with a steel chair! 

Honestly though whether you hate the Yankees or the Red Sox you have to give them credit for keeping one of the few blood feuds in professional sports going for so long.

HOG: Pedro Martinez slamming Don Zimmer to the ground was pretty cool. Though, you have to admit, even though it was Zimmer who charged Pedro, if that had happened on the STREET – a Dominican fighting an elderly white man – Pedro would still be in prison.

JUSTIN: Which takes me to the whole way a brawl is approached, I mean if I get hit by a 90 mph fastball in real life, I’m going to go down like a bitch and start sobbing.  But if I’m a beefed up baseball player I would do one of three things. 

1. Pick up the ball, run half way to the mound and tag the pitcher with a taste his own medicine 

2. Take the bat with me when I charged the mound. Sure you don’t want to kill the guy but you damn sure want to get your point across and a 32 ounce bat will do that.

3. We all know that the catcher's probably going to try and tackle you from behind when you go after the pitcher so that's why I'm going to stop and pop the catcher a few times before I go after the pitcher. After that I just hope that my “Roid Rage” will last long enough for me to beat the sh!t out of the catcher and the pitcher.
 

HOG: If I was a Major League baseball player, I would shrug it off, and say, “Guess I really earned my $714,000 per game paycheck today.”

JUSTIN: On the other hand, why do the pitchers just stand there with their arms out and wait for the batter to arrive?

Some pitchers are different and will throw their gloves at the batter in order to distract him just long enough so they can throw a wild haymaker or possibly even grab them in a headlock.

This was the technique that Nolan Ryan used when Robin Ventura charged him back in 1993.   The headlock is a good technique because like Ryan proved it allows you to free up one hand and pound the batter in his head like an older brother giving noogies to his sibling.

ABOVE: Nolan Ryan autographs this photo! Things Nolan is proud of: Hall of Fame induction, Record for Most Strikeouts, Putting the beat-down on a younger player.

HOG: Yeah, we need to see more "big brother" moves in baseball fights. I want to see the batter charge the mound and give the pitcher a tremendous wedgie. Maybe pull his jock strap up over his head. Then the pitcher returns by giving the batter a purple nurple.

Then some big, huge dude drops on top of him, pinning him down and controlling his arms while mocking him, “Why are you hitting yourself? Huh? Why are you hitting yourself?”

JUSTIN: Seriously though whether you’re for the bean ball or against it you must realize that it’s a fact of life in baseball.

I mean I don’t see why baseball teams haven’t started drafting enforcers like they do in the NHL.

He doesn’t have to be the best player on the team he just has to be able to whip some ass when the benches clear! Can you imagine if the Mets signed Mike Tyson to a contract?

No one would ever throw at the Mets’ batters again. And if they did can you imagine Tyson going on a rampage and just going around knocking out random players on the opposing team! As a matter of fact, I think the Mets should do this right now!

HOG: Mike Tyson is the reason why all batting helmets have protective ear flaps.

ABOVE: You know, Anna Benson gets all the attention, but Johnny Damon's wife, Michelle is PDH* herself!

*Pretty Damn Hot

JUSTIN: Lastly baseball brawls aren’t just regulated to the field; occasionally the fans or even reporters get involved, like in 1912, when the infamous Ty Cobb got tired of a critic that was slamming him in the papers. 

What did he do?  Not much, he just went into the crowd and beat the hell out of the guy.

In typical Cobb fashion though the guy who he fought only had only two fingers on one hand so the fight was a bit one sided.

HOG: I side with Cobb. I say, if you dish out criticism, you have to be willing to take it. The pen is mightier than the sword. Except when Ty Cobb steals your pen and stabs you in the face with it.

After all my slams on celebrities here, I know there will come a day when Britney Spears punches me in the back of the head with brass knuckles.

JUSTIN: In closing we all know that violence isn’t the answer (wink wink nudge nudge) but in a way baseball fights are good for the sport.  The fans love it, no one (hardly ever) gets hurt and it brings both teams closer together.  So I’m not only cheering for my team to win the pennant, I’m hoping that they whip some ass along the way and for that matter you should too!

HOG: Can’t we talk it out? Most of it is miscommunication. If a pitcher hits a batter with a 100 mile per hour fastball in between his rib bones, he is probably just expressing his frustration with HIMSELF. Have some understanding! The batter should walk to the mound, and chat with the pitcher.

BATTER: You just struck me in the wrist with a very hard flying object traveling approximately the speed of sound. Is there anything you’d like to tell me?

PITCHER: Well, you see, you hit this towering home run off me last time, and I am just so angry with myself!

BATTER: Tell me about your father. Was he hard on you?

PITCHER WEEPS UNCONTROLLABLY.