JUSTIN: Barry Bonds is a liar and a cheater and for that reason will never be celebrated as a hero anywhere except for San Francisco.

HOG: It just goes to show that you need charisma. President Clinton was a liar and a cheater but people loved him.

Because in America, we forgive liars and cheaters. But we don’t forgive self-centered d!ick-heads. If Barry Bonds wasn’t such a douche-bag we might forgive him. It’s not like he’s the only one taking illegal substances. You could argue that he HAD to take steroids too keep up with everyone ELSE who was cheating. It’s not fair if some players have an advantage and others don’t.

It's like in high school. If some dude is cheating on the test, then it's like you also have to cheat to keep things even.

NOTE TO KIDS: Winners never cheat and cheaters never win!

NOTE TO ADULTS: I can't believe that kids fall for that crap!

JUSTIN: The truth is we’ll probably never know whether or not Barry Bonds took steroids and that’s why when I die and I come face to face with the big cheese in the sky the first words out of my mouth will be, “Did O.J. kill his wife, did Barry take steroids, and what really happened to Tony Soprano?”

“P.S. I’m sorry for p!ssing in Matthew May’s trumpet in 8th grade."

HOG: Hold up. What? When you finally meet your maker, THESE are the questions you have for God?

YOU IN HEAVEN : Did O.J. kill his wife?
GOD: Do you see O.J. around here?
YOU IN HEAVEN: No.
GOD: My child, your question is answered.

HOG: I can’t believe you’d waste your 3 questions like that!

Oh, wait, I mixed up God with a leprechaun again. I guess you can ask God as many questions as you want. But does he grant you wishes? I’m all confused now. Anyway, when I’m all dead and in heaven here’s what I am going to ask God:

1 – What is the meaning of life?

2 – If you love all, why is there pain and suffering on Earth?

3 – Why do I laugh every time I hear the word “poop”?

JUSTIN:  For all of the baseball purists who worried about Barry Bonds ruining the name of Baseball, RELAX. Alex Rodriguez hit his 500th homer recently and is only 31 years old, Ryan Howard is only 27 years old and already has 114 homers. Plus athletes are getting bigger and stronger every year. So the reality of the situation is that Barry retires this year and in 6 to 8 years Alex Rodriguez breaks the record and America can sleep knowing that an @sshole no longer holds the home run record.

HOG: This is like when people say don’t worry, the bum who is President of the United States has only 4 more years in office… meanwhile he sucks! Boooooo!!!

I think it's cool that we can boo athletes we don't like. It would be awesome if we could extend this to all professionals who stink.

I'd call up my cell phone company...

CUSTOMER SERVICE PERSON: How may I help you today?

ME: Boooooooooooooo!

CUSTOMER SERVICE PERSON: I'm sorry. What??

ME: I'm sorry. I guess you didn't hear me. I said, "BOOOOOOO!!!!"

I'd have a lot of fun with this. I'd boo the bus driver whenever he's late. I'd walk up to ugly hookers...

ME: Booo! You suck!

UGLY HOOKER: I do suck. But why are you booing?

JUSTIN: I think we’ll all agree that the real winner in this whole thing is Queens native Matt Murphy who decided to catch a game in San Francisco during a layover and ended up catching Bonds’ record breaking home run ball!

HOG: That’s gotta really p!ss off all the loyal San Francisco fans who went to every game for the past month trying to catch that ball. Then some New Yorker visits for 1 day and BOOM! He go homes with the most sought-after souvenir of the decade.

JUSTIN: He had to survive a beat-down for that the ball but he’s a Mets fan so he’s probably used to having the sh!t kicked out of him anyway. Plus now that he’s going to have about $400,000 to play around with he can finally move into Manhattan and cheer for the Yankees.

Ha ha! I’m kidding but just for fun here is what I would do with the 400 g’s after taxes if I had caught the ball:

1 - One Night, the Presidential Suite at the Beverly Hills Hotel, a pile of cocaine that would make Tony Montoya blush and all the Girls from Vivid Video.

HOG: My #1: One Night, the Presidential Suite at the Mets new stadium, a pile of chicken wings that would make a competitive eater blush and all the Girls from Vivid Video in a room getting decontaminated from their skank diseases while a team of “regular” hot girls bake me apple pies.

JUSTIN: 2 - Place a $400,000 bet on Black at any Roulette table in Caesars Palace. If I win, repeat my number one choice as many times as possible.

HOG: My #2: Place a $400,000 bet that Britney Spears will lose custody of her children.

JUSTIN: 3 - Rent a tux, a posse and spend the day handing out one hundred dollar bills to homeless people in New York City.

HOG: My #3: Buy 10,000 tuxedos. Hand them out to homeless people in New York City. Let’s class up the joint. I want to see the homeless begging for you to throw change into their top hats so they can buy new cufflinks.

JUSTIN: 4 - Pay off my student loans.

HOG: My #4: Do everything except pay off my student loans.

Before I pay off my stupid student loans, I would rather blow the money on an awesome new computer made out of platinum with a 900 inch flat screen monitor and a mouse pad made from the fur of a poached baby Giant Panda.

JUSTIN: 5 - Buy a professional WNBA team, fire all the players, and hire cross dressing midgets to replace them!

HOG: My #5: Buy season tickets to watch your WNBA team!